Fast Tracked and Other High School News

Heaven help us.  That's all I have to say.  A little over seven years ago, we made a choice that was the right choice for Tino AT THAT TIME.  He was bored to the point of misbehavior in his 1st grade private school class.  Public school would have meant repeating Kindergarten since he technically wasn't "old enough" to have already completed Kindergarten in the state of Florida.  We knew about one week into the school year that the private school wasn't the right fit for Tino.  We went to the public school.  Thank goodness the principal dared to think outside of the box and do something that was "against the law".  (Students are not allowed to enter Kindergarten until the age of five nor 1st grade until they are six years old according to Florida education code.)

Tino ended up "skipping" kindergarten and first grade.  This was a perfect educational accommodation until middle school and high school.  Did you know there is a huge difference both physically and socially between an almost 13 year old 9th grade boy and his almost 15 or 16 year old classmates?  And did you also know that although he holds his own academically, we sabotaged any chance he might have for high school sports?

So far Tino is embracing the high school experience.   This afternoon he told me "Mom, I am actually glad you made me go to Boone.  It's much better than Colonial".  Whoa.  This is coming out of the mouth of my son that has been mad at me for ruining his life by insisting he attend a law magnet high school which is one of the top high schools in the nation instead of going to his zoned high school which STINKS.

Today we reached a high school milestone.  First off, he asked to go to someone's house after school.  We compromised.  His friend (who is a senior) came to our house instead.  This evening he attended his first high school football game with three other friends from church.  Cristian and I just discovered that we don't have a plan in place for the high school social life.  EEK.  Being fast-tracked in academics has also inadvertently fast-tracked him into social situations that he would not otherwise be experiencing as a 7th grade student.

This is the text correspondence between Cristian and Tino this evening.
T:  Hey what up
C:  Nothing
T:  Right
C:  How's the game?
T:  Good I guess.
C:  ?
T:  Good.

Two hours later (about the time the game should be wrapping up).
C:  Where are you?
T:  We are going to the Nebeker's house.
C:  For what?
T:  To hang out with everyone from church.
C:  How long are you guys going to be there?
T:  Until 12 or 12:30 they said.
C:  Mom will pick you up at 11.
T:  Can you please let me go?
C:  Dude relax . . . you can go for a bit.  Mom will pick you up at 11:15.

First off, I am elated that Tino is even doing anything social.  Homeboy has been invited to two birthday parties in the past 2 years.  His social life consists of baseball practice and baseball tournaments or Young Men activities at church and Boy Scouts.  When it's not blazing hot outside, he can be seen (or heard) shooting hoops in our driveway.  He prefers to stay home.  So the fact that his buddies from church have been watching out for him at school (and now are trying to include him in their social activities) is HUGE.  I am just not ready for this.  He is 12 years old for another 11 days.  And then he will only be 13 years old.  That's still a huge difference between his church buddies who are 16, 16, and 18 years old. Yikes.

Any suggestions for the high school experience would be greatly appreciated.  Thanks.

New to the Neighborhood

  

This is about at close as my city kids will come to wildlife.  In fact, they refused to have their backs up to the cage to have their picture taken.  They decided to hang out with the armadillo while I went to Valencia yesterday to pick up all of my textbooks and have a brief training for my new J-O-B.

P.S.  Don't worry.  They didn't touch the creature.  They just looked from afar and PRETENDED like they were not nervous to be so close to it.

So what are they going to do . . . not rehire me?????

I am so highly annoyed.  In fact, I don't even know a word that even comes close to describing my feelings right now.  We have to submit our yearly lesson plans before we are allowed to leave campus and officially check out on the last day of school.  That is all well and good.  I totally understand that.  You see, because there might just be some teacher out there who chooses to show "films" daily or have "free time" and heaven forbid, not teach bell to bell.  However, I teach intensive reading.  And it is INTENSE.

My student population is taken from the lowest performing 20th percentile of the school.  When given a choice between Choice A:  Scribble down my lesson plans so that I understand the targeted benchmarks, essential questions, learning objectives, vocabulary and formative assessment for each day or Choice B:  Write formal lesson plans and upload them onto the school server, I choose Plan A.  I teach THREE different classes/curriculums which according to my contract is ONE too many.  My focus has been on moving students and getting them out of the lowest performing bracket.  My focus has NOT been on how fancy shmancy  my lesson plans look and whether or not someone else can read them.  They are FOR ME.

Here I sit . . . with my laptop . . .  rewriting one year's worth of lesson plans and transforming them from informal lesson plans to FORMAL lesson plans . . .  so that I can officially leave my job in 6 days from now.  These lesson plans are going to be kept forever.  You see, someone might just sub-poena them.  They are a public document.  But they better hurry and sub-poena them quickly.  They will be deleted from the school server by August 12, 2011 if I don't return as an employee for the school system.  O.K.  Venting done.  Back to writing lesson plans.

Can I tell you how excited I am to be treated as a RESPONSIBLE adult in my new J-O-B???????

Just Call Me ProfessorRam

Last week I was called into the principal's office and invited to sit down for a little chit chat.  I knew this chit chat was coming because according to my contract, it was about 10 days past due.  After some small talk (lovely weather) and elephant in the room talk (budget cuts), I was handed a pink slip.  It wasn't a pink slip, it was just a horrible copy of a copy of a letter that said my contract would not be renewed for the following year.  This took me COMPLETELY by surprise.  Why?  I guess I wasn't expecting anything in WRITING on SCHOOL LETTERHEAD that would make it look OFFICIALLY official that my position is being cut.   In addition, I had to inform the school administration of my intent to return (or not) right after Spring Break.  I literally felt a HUGE weight lifted from my shoulders when the non-pink pink slip was handed to me.  It would be an understatement for me to say that I was literally JUMPING FOR JOY as I walked back to my classroom.

Of course, I immediately started to think about my plans for next school year.  PLAN A (be a 50% SAHM/50% Hovering Helicopter Parent), PLAN B (teach one or two classes at the community college), PLAN C (teach one or two classes at the gym) , PLAN D (combination of PLAN A, PLAN B, PLAN C), and PLAN E (unemployment while I figure out another plan).   I knew there were some PT positions opening at the community college but with PLAN E, I could lay low for a few more months.  

I was hired for a full-time gig in the Fall at the local community college less than 24 hours after receiving my pink slip.  I will be cut back to part-time in the Spring.  When I say local community college, what I mean is there are 4 different campuses of this particular community college.  I will be teaching at the campus that is 7 miles from my home (not to be confused with the other three campuses that are approximately 15 miles, 25 miles, or 30 miles away).  I will be teaching three sections of Reading, two sections of Composition, and one section of Structure (Grammar) for the English for Academic Purposes program.  I will have an OFFICE and need to be available 10 hours per week for office hours.  Since I don't teach any classes on Fridays, I have the option to meet with students on campus OR hold virtual office hours.

I am SOOOOOOO excited.

23 Days and COUNTING

Did I mention that I turned in my "Intent to NOT Return" form at school (about 3 weeks ago)?   I have tried teaching middle school for 1 1/2 years.  I am just not cut out for middle school.  It has literally sucked the lifeblood out of me.  At the end of the day, I have absolutely NOTHING left to give to my family.  And there is something definitely wrong with that.  In 23 school days I will "retire" as a middle school intensive reading teacher.  My next career choice?  Still undetermined.  Right now I am debating between being a hovering helicopter parent of a high schooler and/or community college lecturer.

I have literally kicked into SURVIVAL mode.  If you have not heard back from me or if I have failed to call you, text you, e-mail you, visit you, etc. please don't take it personally.  In 23 days I am ready to PLAY . . . just like the three kiddos in the above photo.

How to Be a Supportive Family Member or Friend to Someone Who is Trying to Get Out of a Funk

It is another "How-To" Tuesday.  As I promised last week almost one month ago, here is the part II that goes along with my post about how to get out of a funk. .  I actually thought of this post topic first.  Last week month I met with my Branch President at church.  We were discussing a sort of "year in review" if you will.  When I first got into my funk, my former Branch President told me that if I was able to get through this I could very well help other people who had been in a similar situation.

Now granted, I would never ever in a million years wish my FUNKiness on even my worst enemy.  It has been a long, hard road but I have learned many lessons along the way.  As I spoke to my (new) Branch President last week, I may or may not have been venting about the events of the past year and how I was disappointed in the way some people had acted (or failed to act).   He listened and then responded that my suggestions might in fact help others out.  Maybe things played out the way they did because people did not KNOW how to be supportive.  Maybe they did not KNOW how to react and therefore had walked the other way just to avoid any awkard situations.

Disclaimer:  Riddle me this. How many times have you been slapped with the unfortunate news of someone's life?  How often has this been more of a forum for gossip as opposed to the person or persons sharing the information so that you would be equipped with the necessary skills and tools to reach out in fellowship and friendship to those who are truly IN A FUNK?  Have you ever been present when there is a BIG GIANT ELEPHANT in the room?  This post is inspired by my family members and friends who WERE INSPIRED and knew exactly what to do to hold my hand, lift me up, and help me get out of a funk.  Now I cannot say that I am 100% recovered from my personal funk, but I have made progress.  Next time, just in case you do not know what to do in an uncomfortable family or friend FUNKY situation, I leave with you a list of things my family and friends have done to help me.

1. First and foremost, remind your family member or friend (who is in a funk) OFTEN of the cleansing and healing power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  AND also remind them  of the importance that forgiveness and repentance play in this most powerful process.
2. Listen to the promptings of the Holy Spirit.  If you were saying your prayers that day and you thought that you should call or visit a certain family member or friend . . . ACT upon that prompting.  My former Relief Society was so inspired.  A day after my FUNK, she called me.  And texted me.  I must have received anywhere between 20 and 30 phone calls and texts from her.  She told me she was thinking of me.  She was wondering if everything was alright.  She was persistent.  I left my phone in my car (on purpose) . . . which means I did not receive the calls or texts.  And then she showed up on my doorstep.  She kept ringing the doorbell and knocking on the door until I finally lifted the covers from over my head, crawled out of bed, and went to answer the door.  Granted this was MIDDAY and I should not have been in bed in the first place.  But she was PERSISTENT.  And she KNEW that I needed her.  She DID NOT GIVE UP.  And what about the missionaries that had not been to our house in over a year?  Well yes, they also felt prompted.  And they stopped by.  I did not answer the door, but they did leave a message on a little note card with a picture of Jesus Christ on the reverse side.  "We were in the area and thought we would pass by.  We just wanted to say hi and we hope everything is good.  Please call us if you need anything."  And you know what?  I picked up the phone and called them.  And invited them to dinner.  We have had anywhere between two and four  missionaries to our house for dinner every other Sunday for the past 13 months.  The Spirit they bring into our home uplifts me and encourages me.  (Not to mention my kids absolutely idolize them and can not wait until they grow up and can serve as missionaries.)
3. You cannot reason logic with insanity.  Now lets face it.  When someone is in a funk, you will be dealing with CRAZY or maybe even CRAZIER.  My family members and friends took me under their wings and reminded me (with kindness and compassion) that CRAZY runs in my family.  They suggested that family history of depression and anxiety + life events could very possibly lead to= depression and anxiety for me.  Although I went to the doctor kicking, screaming, and digging in my heels . . .  I was put on a very low dosage of an anti-anxiety medication.  This actually has been a win-win situation.  It has actually calmed me and taken the edge of the craziness that is out of my control (life events) and it is also just enough that when I take it before bed, I am able to get a DEEP sleep and I no longer suffer from insomnia. Oh, and therapy?  Yeah, therapy.  A definite must.  Although I knew I was going to need some SERIOUS therapy, the thing that pushed me OVER THE EDGE and made me pick up the phone and make an appointment is when my friend's husband (WHO NEVER SAYS ANYTHING) called me out in front of my 200+ FB friends and said something to the effect of "stop venting on FB.  Go get yourself a good therapist".  
4. Offering comfort food to the person in a funk is a good thing as long as it is in moderation. My comfort food was diet coke and m & m's, diet coke and chocolate covered cinnamon bears, or diet coke and Sees dark chocolate molasses chips.  Believe me, I really felt the love when I visited with family members and friends and they had MY comfort food of choice waiting for me.  And it made me feel even BETTER when they indulged and ate MY comfort food WITH me as we talked (or as I talked, they listened).  But draw the line.  In cement.  No need to overconsume.  It will lead to emergency midnight runs to CVS or Super WalMart in search of pepto-bismol and tums.
5. Try to be honest, but not BRUTALLY honest.  Acceptable comment:  "Wow, you have a big giant bird poop cloud hovering over your head."  (This comment will actually make the person in a funk laugh several days or several weeks down the road.) Unacceptable comment:  "Wow, your life really SUCKS.  I would hate to be you right now."  Acceptable comment:  "That is amazing that your husband AND sisters have offered you half of their livers . . . if they are a match."  Unacceptable comment:  "Did you hear about the liver transplant gone bad and that both the donor and receiver of the liver DIED over the weekend?"  Acceptable comment: "Let me loan you a copy of a book that truly helped me out . . . The Walk Out Woman:  When Your Heart is Empty and Your Dreams Are Lost".  Unacceptable comment:   "Would you like to attend the Single Adult barbecue  this weekend and meet all of the people out there with BIGGER problems (and skeletons in the closet)  than you have?"
6. Remind family member or friend in a funk that you can run, but you cannot hide.  My first instincts were to pack up and move out of Dodge.  Was that comfortable?  YES.  Was that reasonable?  NO.  My house, my job, and my life are here.  Running away from my problems whether it was 300 miles away  or 2850 miles away  was not  going to make the problems go away.  The issues would still remain and would need to be dealt with sooner or later.
7. Be patient and understanding of of your family member or friend's INABILITY to make simple decisions.  You might just have to step in and make decisions for the family member or friend who is in a funk.  I have one friend that met me at Aquatica with the kids at least once per week.  I have some other friends that met me at Sea World.  I have another friend that picked up Sarah and took her to dance every week.  Cristian took 1 1/2 hours out of his 1 hour lunch break EVERY FRIDAY to bring me lunch. (He has missed our weekly lunch date only 3 times in the past 13 months).  I have another friend that schedules my manis and pedis for me.  Had these plans not been made for me ahead of time, there is no guarantee that I would have even made it out of bed that day.  My friends' and family members' patience with me and that extra help in helping plan things for me that I could look forward to were like dangling the carrot in front of the rabbit.  
8. Be a friend.  I think the most difficult thing for me was to have people turn and walk the other way both literally and figuratively.  Once I no longer had anything to offer, it was as if I was non-existent.  Turning and walking the other way?  OUCH.  It's like pouring salt into the wounds.  Now I am not saying you need to all of a sudden be BFFs with a person in a funk, but "caring, kindness, and compassion" definitely help.  Be intuitive.  Sometimes your friend or family member  need you to listen.  Sometimes advice is needed or wanted.  And at times he or she simply needs a shoulder to cry on.  

I will be forever grateful to my Heavenly Father for sending supporting family members and friends my way. 

Spring Break Staycation Day #1

Today was the first day of Spring Break for the kiddos.  I had to make an appearance at work, otherwise I got the privilege of filling out a leave of absence form and taking a sick day or personal leave day.    I had my final observation for the year.  Happy, happy, joy, joy (insert SARCASM).

I have come to the conclusion that middle school is most definitely NOT for me.  Why is there a mass exodus of teachers EVERY SINGLE YEAR at this particular school?  I GET IT now.  The only reason I am holding out is for the students.  (Does this sound familiar from last year?)  Another reason is that Cristian reminds me continually that I.AM.NOT.A.QUITTER and I need to finish out my contract.

While I was at school, Cristian and Mateo worked on mowing the lawn, Tino worked on complaining about how much he did NOT want to go to the beach, and Sarah worked on filling up the car with every single beach toy, towel, and beach accessory (umbrella, tent, etc,) known to man.  My plan since I am feeling under the weather (fever and throat ON FIRE) was to take a pillow to the beach and sleep the entire day.  Unfortunately, the couple of hours that I was at work zapped all of the emotional and physical energy I had left.  I literally slept THE ENTIRE AFTERNOON and did not leave the comfort of my air conditioned house or comfy bed.

Here are some photos from Cristian and kiddos' day at the beach.  Please do not mention that you saw these pictures to Tino.  He told me "it's not FAIR.  Why would you do that to me?  If you blog pictures of me, I will blog pictures of you."  And if he finds out these are actually blogged, he will refuse to pose for any other photos the rest of the week.

Cocoa Beach, FL

How to Get Out of a Funk

My blog friend Stie has started "How-To Tuesdays".  As every single one of my five or six faithful blog readers know, I am always running just a little bit late for the party.  I have not had ANY idea what bits of wisdom I could possibly add to the blogosphere.   But then it struck me . . . almost like a bolt of lightning.  I can post about "How to Get Out of a Funk".  This post is not funny.  This post is not creative.  Actually it might be rather dull and boring, but here is my "How-To Tuesday" . . . brought to you on a Thursday. I have referenced forgiveness and trust in other blog postings.  This post includes everything else I haven't mentioned before.  (Or maybe I have mentioned it, but if you are anything like me it helps to REITERATE some of these steps.)

1.  Have an event in your life happen that you never ever possibly imagined could happen to you.  It could be health related, family related, job related, etc.  You choose.

2.  If you are a spiritual person, seek spiritual guidance ASAP.  Seek the counsel of church leaders AND don't be afraid to ask for priesthood blessings or to be put on the prayer rolls/lists of your local church congregation.  Be honest with the person or people that you go to for spiritual guidance.  They cannot help you if you do not confide in them.  They are usually pretty in tune with the Spirit so they will call you out almost immediately if you are withholding information.

3.  Go through an intense GRIEVING process.  Cycle through the grieving process over and over again.  Realize that there are several stages to the grieving process.

1. Denial and Isolation.At first, we tend to deny the loss has taken place, and may withdraw from our usual social contacts. This stage may last a few moments, or longer.
2. Anger.
   The grieving person may then be furious at the person who inflicted the hurt (even if he's dead), or at the world, for letting it happen. The grieving person may be angry with himself/herself for letting the event take place, even if, realistically, nothing could have stopped it.
3. Bargaining.
   Now the grieving person may make bargains with God, asking, "If I do this, will you take away the loss?"
4. Depression.
   The person feels numb, although anger and sadness may remain underneath.
5. Acceptance.
   This is when the anger, sadness and mourning have tapered off. The person simply accepts the reality of the loss.

 4.  Vow to not say anything to anyone about the event or chain of events that has put you into a funk.  Then about 10 minutes after making that vow, pick up the phone and call your nearest family member or friend.  Cry on the nearest family member or friend's shoulder if they happen to live close.  After about one week of grieving, decide that it's too much to handle alone.  Delegate the family member or friend that you had confided in to call and notify the rest of the family members (parents and other siblings) and let them know what is going on in your life.  The same family member or friend will also be very good at sending out an SOS text or message to former missionary companions and/or friends letting them know "You really need to push yourself back into Heidi's life right now.  She needs you".

5.  Prioritize.  Put all things God related first.  Realize that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ will help you get through this.  Visit your temple/church often, fast and pray, read your scriptures, etc.  Learn to become spiritually selfish.

6.  Learn to scale back and say "NO".  "I would love to go to the party this weekend but . . ."  "I know we scheduled a play date with the kids but . . ."  Stop with the excuses.  There is absolutely no need to justify and make excuses.  Just learn to say no.  And leave it at that.   At first when you start saying no this will really throw people off.  NOBODY is used to you saying no (employers/supervisors, PTA, SAC, church leaders, neighbors, family, friends, etc.) and this will be a paradigm shift for all involved.  I repeat . . . learn to say no.  And make no excuses.  After all, most of the excuses sound pretty lame anyway.  Just give it up while you are AHEAD.  Don't say yes just to say yes.  It frustrates those you have said "yes" to and it makes them want to bop you over the head for turning into a big giant FLAKE who is completely incapable at this time of making and keeping commitments.

7.  Listen (for once) to husband's advice and counsel.  For now, just take one day at a time.  Have five things and five things only on the daily to-do list.  Sleep.  Eat.  Go to Work.  Go to School.   PRAY.  (And once you have finished writing your thesis and your Master's degree has been officially conferred, you can cross "go to school" off your list.)

8.  Give up the need to know.  Since this is a vulnerable time in your life, the more you find out could open the door to more hurt and more pain.  Try not to be too curious.  Relinquish your status as a card-carrying member of the CIA.  (Although keep in mind that if you are looking for employment in the future, know that you are a darn good investigator, detective, and even whistle-blower).

9.  Learn to let go.  Embrace the motto "Let Go and Let God."  Heavenly Father knows his plan for us and it's on HIS time not on our time.  Let the dust settle before making any big decisions.  There is no need to rush.  No need to hurry.  Sit back.  Relax.  And try to enjoy the holding pattern you are in.

10.  Read.  Put scriptures at the top of the list.  After the daily scripture study, find time for "pleasure reads" such as The Peacegiver:  How Christ Offers to Heal Our Hearts and Homes, The Holy Secret, The Speed of Trust, Simplify:  A Guide to Caring for the Soul, or a devotional like Bread or Stones.

11.  Make plenty of ME time.  My ME time has included:  visiting the temple, working out with a personal trainer, visiting the chiropractor on a weekly or at least semi-monthly basis,  seeing a therapist (minimum of twice per month), waxing and facials once a month, and manis/pedis once a month.  I haven't been a "hang out with friends" type of person since I got married, but I now try to make girl time and hanging out with friends a priority.  It happens once every month to six weeks which is HUGE for me.  Go ahead.  Call me social butterfly.

12.  Keep in mind that regret of the past and fear of the future are twin thieves of today.  Try ever so hard to live in the moment.  Try not to obsess and get caught up in putting a deadline on difficult decisions.  Allow the dust to settle.  

In this time of vulnerability it is so easy to fall into the role as victim.  Perhaps these challenges were given to you so that you would be forced to look into the mirror.  And reflect.  And make changes that will make you an even better person inside and out.  If your funk is a direct result caused by poor choices of others, make this your new mantra:  "I feel with loving compassion the problems of others without getting caught up emotionally in whatever God gives them for their own growth."

If there is another person involved in your funk, that person needs to be willing to make changes on his or her own.  Pray for that person.  OFTEN.  Try not to fix the other person.  It simply will not work.  Resist the urge to  get emotionally sucked in to their problems.  Remember, at this point your plate is still full and you need to worry about getting yourself out of the funk.  You can't rescue and try to help someone else get out of their funk. The desire for true change and change of heart needs to come from within.

Stay tuned for next week's installment of "How to Be a Supportive Family Member or Friend to Someone Who is Trying to Get Out of a Funk".

I Am So Vein, Vein, Vein

And I am also VAIN.  My journey with my legs began about one year ago.  At the same time I hired my personal trainer and started visiting medical specialists that I didn't even know existed, I also decided I was going to get rid of my UGLY varicose and spider veins on my legs, once and for all.  I didn't know how much longer I was going to have medical insurance, so I high-tailed it to my dermatologist to do my yearly skin cancer check AND remove my ugly veins on my legs. Come to find out, my veins were way too deep.  My dermatologist refused to even touch them with a ten-foot pole.  I was referred to a vein specialist.  Once again, I figured that it would be a quick and simple fix.  Not so much.

Come to find out, the leg and ankle swelling that I had suffered with for YEARS had nothing at all to do with my bad knee (skydiving accident 1988).  It may or may not have had something to do with the 67 pounds I packed on while preggo with Tino.  And it may have also been hereditary.  The vein specialists confirmed that I was not crazy and that the swelling of my ankles and legs from the knee down WAS.NOT.NORMAL . . . nor was it IN.MY.HEAD.  (It was all indeed in my legs.  Ha-ha.) 

What I thought was going to be a quick cosmetic fix, turned into a medically necessary urgency.  I had multiple bad veins on both my right and left legs.  Instead of the blood flowing back up to my heart and recirculating, the blood stopped at my knee and pooled back down to my ankles and feet.  Hence, the reason for the constant leg, ankle and feet swelling AND the consistent throbbing pain that I went to bed with every night and woke up every morning with.  The docs were surprised that I hadn't had any major blood clots or any other setbacks since my veins were in such bad condition.

Today I just had my fourth leg vein surgery.  I only have two more left.  After those, I will have four sessions of this.  And then I will be able to do what I set out to do one year ago . . .  be rid of the spider and varicose VEINS.  Have I mentioned how incredibly GRATEFUL I am for health insurance benefits? 

I do have to say that I thought the whole Lamaze breathing thing for giving birth was completely OVER RATED.  But let me tell you, I have been putting my breathing techniques into good use with these surgeries.  To put it into perspective, just imagine trying to shove a garden hose through the opening of a small coffee stirrer.  And then have an elephant step onto your groin area.  That's what it feels like as they are trying to slip the catheter through the vein and then guide the laser through the catheter.  When they fire up the laser you feel this MAJOR pressure in the groin area.  O.K. so that might be a slight exaggeration, but two of my three child-births were without meds and/or epidural.  If I have to choose between childbirth without meds/epidural and leg vein treatment, I would choose childbirth hands down.  And that IS NOT an exaggeration.

Secrets

O.K. so I have a confession to make.  I might as well come clean.  For Christmas, my parents gave Tino a subscription to a really cool magazine.  I am the one that makes the weekly trek down the street to the mailbox.  This means that I am the first person to find out that Tino's cool magazine for the month has arrived.  I sneak it into the house.  I hide it under my pillow.  This magazine ROCKS.  Am I a bad person for taking my son's magazine when it was a gift intended for him and not for me?  Is it wrong for me to enjoy this magazine and read it cover to cover before handing it over?  After having the magazine in my possession for approximately one week, I take it into his room and exclaim excitedly "Hey Ti-man . . . your magazine arrived!!!" 

Seriously, I don't know what the appeal is.  Is it that I am the parent of a recently turned 12 year old?  Is it that I work with teens every single day?  Is it that I once was a teen?

One of the articles this month is about tolerance. Elder Russell M. Nelson states:  Tolerance is a virtue much needed in our turbulent world. But we must recognize that there is a difference between tolerance and tolerate. Your gracious tolerance for an individual does not grant him or her license to do wrong, nor does your tolerance obligate you to tolerate his or her misdeed. That distinction is fundamental to an understanding of this vital virtue.

An erroneous assumption could be made that if a little of something is good, a lot must be better. Not so! Overdoses of needed medication can be toxic. Boundless mercy could oppose justice. So tolerance, without limit, could lead to spineless permissiveness.

The Lord drew boundary lines to define acceptable limits of tolerance. Danger rises when those divine limits are disobeyed. Just as parents teach little children not to run and play in the street, the Savior taught us that we need not tolerate evil. “Jesus went into the temple of God, … and overthrew the tables of the moneychangers” (Matthew 21:12; see also Mark 11:15). Though He loves the sinner, the Lord said that He “cannot look upon sin with the least degree of allowance” (D&C 1:31).

Real love for the sinner may compel courageous confrontation—not acquiescence! Real love does not support self-destructing behavior.

I had never before distinguished a difference between tolerance and tolerating misdeeds. This topic has been weighing heavily on my mind lately.  If Tino knew my deep dark secret, would he have tolerance towards me or would he tolerate my misdeed of magazine stealing borrowing? 

On a more serious note, how often do we turn a blind eye towards someone that has made poor choices and is spiraling down the slippery path of self-destruction?  How often are we willing to confront that person courageously?  Things that make you go hmmmmmmmmmmm.
   

Facebook Fasting

I was completely inspired by my cousin to close my FB account.  Except for I couldn't do that because I am a complete and total FB addict.  I have a very addictive personality.  I go through cycles.  My addictions go something like this:  blogging, coupon clipping and deal-finding, community service and/or politics, food and/or exercising/working out, and FB.

Instead of closing my account, I decided I would go on a FB fast.  My family was right.  They mocked me and told me I couldn't stay away from FB for more than 2 weeks.  I was shooting for two months. Why 2 months?  #1 Just to prove my family wrong.  #2 Two months marks a very important date that I was advised by my former Stake President to wait for before I make any decisions that could impact my family for better or for worse.

I was FB free for ALMOST 2 weeks.  I have noticed that although FB is a huge time suck, it is healthy for me because I am able to vent.  FB is my free therapy when I am not able to rush downtown after work and visit Dr. Cam (the therapist I pay to help me work on my ISSUES).  It actually turned into more of an issue that I wasn't on FB.  I received text messages, e-mails, and phone calls from family/friends asking me if everything was o.k.  I even got stopped in the foyer of church last Sunday by two people making sure everything was alright because I hadn't been updating on FB.

This morning before work, Cristian and I had a deep conversation.  Tonight when Cristian got home from work he asked me why I hadn't told him (about two months ago) the things I told him this morning.  I responded that I was trying to edit for him and that I didn't want to let him know the worries and disappointments of my world.  He then told me that my editing function is broken.  He said I don't edit.  I accumulate.  I keep everything inside until I can't possibly hold anything else in.  Then I burst.  And explode.  Or meltdown.  (I think this morning may have been a combination of all three.)

Effective immediately, Cristian is changing tactics with me.  Instead of just assuming that all is well in my world, he is going to ask questions and encourage me to talk.  He wants to help me be less of an accumulator.  (One of the biggest problems of being an accumulator is that I have difficulty LETTING THINGS GO and NOT HOLDING GRUDGES.)    Anyway, with the combined help of Cristian, FB, a little bit of blogging here and there, and Dr. Cam . . .  I will try to be less of an accumulator.

And don't worry friends and family all is well in my world  . . . according to my most recent FB status.

Discovery

O.K. so it was t-5 by the time I got home from work today.  It took me the entire 5 minutes to round up the kids.  Of course it is a very cloudy day, so we hardly saw anything at all.  I took my laptop outside so I could watch the countdown clock.  I should have taken my camera instead.

We have lived in our neighborhood for nearly 7 years.  It is QUIET.  We go DAYS without seeing people.  But for whatever reason, every time there is a space shuttle launch, rocket launch, or one of the space shuttles or rockets are returning from one of their missions everyone flocks to the streets.

Today was the last launch of the Discovery.  It's kind of sad.  Now I am not a rocket scientist by any means, but every time there is a launch I get goosebumps and teary-eyed.  Growing up, we would watch the launches via television while living in Utah or California.

I don't think my children understand the significance and how incredible it is that they have been able to witness so many space shuttle launches and rocket launches.  One day, when the space shuttle launches are a thing of the past, hopefully they will reflect upon the many times we gulped down our dinner or I pounded the doors while they were trying to go to the bathroom so we could all rush outside to witness a little piece of history.

Best Friends

Visit here if you want to see how Mateo and Sarah spent their weekend.

Lifting Burdens: The Atonement of Jesus Christ

Love Week 2011

Let's take a BIG.GIANT.SIGH of relief.  It's over.  Whew.  One of the most difficult challenges for me is to not replay events of Valentine's past and wallow in self-misery.   This year I made an effort to make NEW and IMPROVED memories.

Last Saturday, we went to P.F. Chang's as a family with all of the other thousands of couples that had a brilliant idea to celebrate Valentine's Day two days early.  On Monday (Valentine's Day), Cristian worked tweener which means 1:00 p.m.-10:00 p.m. shift.  (Hello, can anyone say "tender mercy of the Lord???")  The kids and I enjoyed a lovely evening at the baseball fields (Ahem . . . let's see how strong of a person you REALLY are Heidiram).   Cristian booked reservations for us to go on Friday to a bed and breakfast in Jacksonville.

My attitude and mood the entire Valentine's week was less than stellar.  It must have something to do with those unresolved issues still needing to be worked through.  While we were at the bed and breakfast, Cristian and I talked.  And talked.  And talked.  And talked.  Cristian and I share a LOT of history.  We share THREE beautiful children.  We have been married for 15 years.  I appreciate his efforts this past year to make amends.  I appreciate all he does to provide for our family.  I appreciate repentance.  I appreciate forgiveness.  I appreciate . . . appreciation.  He is trying.  He really is trying.

I have signed off Facebook for the next month or two.  I am not ready to completely shut down my account because let's face it . . . Facebook is FREE therapy when Dr. Cam is booked.  Instead of focusing my discretionary time and energies on my FB friends, I am going to focus my friendship efforts on the guy who lives with me and who is trying so hard to be my real-life friend.

Time for one more BIG.GIANT.SIGH of relief.  (And maybe even an anti-anxiety pill or two.)

The end.

Bored Games

This post is dedicated to all my friends and family who have ever wondered why I am not a fan of playing bored . . . oops I mean board games or any other kind of games (besides dominoes) with my family.  (And by the way, we were NEVER allowed to say the word bored or boring in my house growing up.  Am I a rebel or WHAT posting that word on my blog for ALL to see???)

Valentine's Bingo Night.  Fun right?  Lovely right?  What a better way to spend Valentine's Day than playing games with the family.  Tino had baseball practice tonight until 7:30 p.m. and Mateo has been anxiously awaiting his special game night.  (So there may or may not have been tears when I told Mateo I could not handle one more second of Valentine Bingo at the school last week . . .I had a sinus infection, ear infection and had been on my feet for 12+ hours.  My bed was calling my name.)  Anyway, our happy compromise was that we could finish up Valentine's Bingo at home . . . with the family . . . on Valentine's Day.

Here are reasons why I am not a fan of game night:
#1 It takes approximately 45 minutes to one hour to get things started.
#2 Mateo tends to dominate and make all the rules.  He changes the rules so many times that I have a hard time following which version of the game we happen to be playing.
#3 Sarah is ultra-competitive and will try to win at all costs (usually there is cheating involved) . . . which usually involves more Mateo rules and then a tear or two shed by Mateo because nobody is listening to him and/or we refuse to comply with his ridiculousness.

Here are the reasons I could be swayed into becoming a fan of game night:
#1 Forced family bonding.
#2 Awesome prizes for Bingo night.  (Mateo had Sarah empty out her Valentine's stash and hand over all the stuff she didn't like or didn't want.  Mateo did the same.)  If we can ever get through our first round of Bingo . . . I can look forward to some Kit Kats, Hershey Kisses or Reese's.  If I really want to win the grand prize, I can choose from an assortment of Sponge Bob, Spider Man, or Princess pencils.  If I "win" those, I will take them to school and regift them to my irresponsible 6th and 7th grade students who still have not received the memo that they are to show up to school with a pencil and paper EVERY.DAY.
#3 Mateo calls 5 minute breaks about every 2 minutes of game play.  It's not enough time for me to get into the groove of correcting papers and entering grades, but it is enough time to blog about these memorable events.

Almost Valentine's Day

How am I feeling about that?  Thank you for asking.  And if you didn't ask, I KNOW you were just DYING to ask, but didn't DARE.  It's o.k.  I will go ahead and tell you.  If I start to think too much about it, I start to feel sick to my stomach.  But then I redirect my thoughts.

I think about my beautiful children.  I think about Cristian. I think about repentance.  I think about diet coke.  I think about forgiveness.  I think about Sees molasses chips.  I think about love.  I think about compassion.  I think about maybe a little bit more love.  I think about the gift of discernment and being led by the Spirit.  I think about my family in Utah and California.  I think about miraculous cures from an illness that has no cure.  I think about empathy.  I think about a job that pays my bills and student loan debts.  I think about friendship.  I think about manis and pedis at Magic Nails.  I think about serving others. I think about open lines of communication.  I think about all my gh*tto girls and gh*tto guys (middle school students) that tell me daily I am "their role model".  I think about putting one foot in front of another and living one day at a time.  I think about my Savior Jesus Christ who will help me power through this.

It's almost Valentine's Day.  And I am o.k. with it.  This to shall pass.

Charity

We had an absolutely AMAZING Branch Conference last week.  One of the topics that our Branch President felt inspired that we needed to discuss was charity.  Now when I say charity, I am not talking about the "you see a poor, homeless person on the side of the road and offer them something to eat" type of charity.  I am talking about the charity that President Thomas S. Monson discussed when he said "rather than being judgmental and critical of each other, may we have the pure love of Christ for our fellow travelers in this journey through life".

One more thing that President Monson said is "I consider charity-or "the pure love of Christ"- to be the opposite of criticism and judging.  In speaking of charity, I do not at this moment have in mind the relief of the suffering through the giving of our substance.  That of course, is necessary and proper.  I have in mind the charity that manifests itself when we are tolerant of others and lenient toward their actions, the kind of charity that forgives, the kind of charity that is patient.  I have in mind the charity that impels us to be sympathetic, compassionate, and merciful, not only in times of sickness and affliction and distress but also in times of weakness or error on the part of others."

Our Branch President challenged us to be more full of charity.  Right as the Branch President was finishing his remarks, a sister in the branch passed me a note.  She asked if we wanted to go to her house after church for dinner.  This is a sister that used to be my best friend.  This is a sister that I used to see every day, multiple times per day, EVERY SINGLE DAY of the week.  And then all of a sudden one day we didn't see each other.  And we didn't call each other.  Days passed into weeks.  Weeks passed into years.  It has been nearly 31/2 years since we have had anything other than a once a month hello from across the chapel or a quick "saludo" and peck on the cheek as we enter Relief Society.  She was so excited that I accepted the invitation.  She immediately texted her husband and said "You will never believe this, but Heidi said yes.  She is coming to dinner with her family."  Of course, her husband who is in charge of cooking on the weekends, responded by saying "Do we even have any food in our house that we can make for dinner?"  To which she responded, "Heidi is simple.  She doesn't care.  Her family doesn't care.  They will be perfectly content with whatever food we have to offer them."

Bottom line of my story:  We spent more than 5 hours at their house.  Dinner and Family Home Evening turned into dinner, FHE, mending of fences and building of bridges.  We cried, we embraced, we caught up on the last 3 1/2 years of our lives.  She told me that she had wanted to invite me over for over one year now, but she always felt that it wasn't the right time.   She said as she was saying her prayers that morning, she felt once again that she needed to invite us over to dinner.  And then of course, the Branch President's talk sealed the deal.  She KNEW she needed to act on the prompting she had received.

President Thomas S. Monson stated "Charity is having patience with someone who has let us down.  It is resisting the impulse to become offended easily.  It is accepting weaknesses and shortcomings.  It is accepting people as they truly are.  It is looking beyond physical appearances and attributes that will not dim through time.  It is resisting the impulse to categorize others."

You know how I feel about charity right about now?  Super duper happy.  I have a long way to go, but I will take one little step at a time.  And I am grateful for a friend that followed the promptings of the Spirit and was able to look past my faults and reach out her hand to help lift me up.

Walking the Path

Today's Sunday School lesson was really powerful. It was nothing new.  In fact, I taught a very similar lesson last week in Primary.  But since I am hard-headed and stubborn, I guess I need things repeated once, twice, and maybe even three times.

We learned about John the Baptist.  We also discussed repentance.  As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints we believe that the first principles and ordinances of the Gospel are: first, Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ; second, Repentance; third, Baptism by immersion for the remission of sins; fourth, Laying on of hands for the gift of the Holy Ghost.   What does it mean to repent? 

• Feeling godly sorrow for sin
• Confessing and forsaking sins
• Making amends, where possible, for wrongs done
• Obeying the commandments
• Turning to the Lord and serving him.

As our Sunday School teacher discussed the above-mentioned steps to repentance, I made a mental note of observations I have made this past year that someone near and dear to me has followed.  

Without mentioning any names, there has also been someone who has been holding a BIG GIANT GRUDGE and may or may not have been processing and reprocessing hurt and the pain associated with certain wrongdoings.  

It hit me like a ton of bricks this morning that I know somebody that truly has been walking the path of repentance.  And I know someone else who is preparing herself  daily to follow the path that leads to the miracle of forgiveness.    

Callings and Tender Mercies: Part Two

O.K. so first off a big thank you to Andrea, Layne, and Jessica for playing my game.  And thanks to anyone else who has commented but I haven't seen and/or published your comment yet.

Let me give a brief background about church service.  First of all, we do not have a paid ministry.  Members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints give of their time and talents without being paid monetarily.  Some like to say they are paid in the form of blessings received from heaven.  Anyway, last year when my plate was overflowing I asked to be released from my calling as 1st Counselor in the Primary.  Now some might think that this is completely taboo and you simply do not ASK to be released from a calling.  I am living proof that I did not get struck down by lightning for asking to be released.  I did not feel like I was in the position to be able to serve.

Fast forward about 6 months to writing a thesis, finishing up graduate school, completing the rest of my month to month teaching contract, Sarah's health issues on the down-low, personal therapy going well, marriage therapy going better than expected, etc.  By July, I felt like I was in a place emotionally, spiritually, and physically to where I could once again serve in the church.  So I texted my Branch President and told him to put me to work again.  And I e-mailed him.  And I called him.  And I texted again . . .  You get the drift.  He called me in and told me he had been fasting and praying about a calling that would not only be a good fit for me, but something that the Lord would have me do at this point in my life.  And I waited.  And waited.  And waited.  For SEVERAL MONTHS.

Towards the end of October, I was called to be the . . . . . . drumroll please . . .  Branch Employment Specialist.  Yeah.  Me.  Heidiram.  The Branch Employment Specialist.  Do you realize I have little to no experience in this department?????  I started babysitting when I was 9 years old, followed by a couple of nannying stints in college.  In high school I worked for a skin care salon.  Since college, all of my jobs have had some type of teaching involvement.  I've taught ages newborn to ninety.  But ME????  Help OTHERS?  FIND A JOB?

The church has put great efforts into helping members and non-members alike return to school,  find employment, put to use their entrepeneur skills, etc.  For more information visit www.ldsjobs.org.

Our Stake Presidency has been highly encouraging leaders and members of the church to FILL.OUT.THEIR.PERSONAL.PROFILE.   You can customize your profile to meet your needs . . . networking, casually looking for a job, actively looking for a job, etc.  The message we keep getting as employment specialists is how can we expect others to fill out their profile if we haven't completed our own profiles?   (You know, the whole lead by example thing).  I finally got around to completing my profile.  It took me over two months to complete because I couldn't get past the "Me in 30 Second" and "Power Statement" portions.  I finally completed it though.  And guess what?  There was a MATCH in the online job database.  My skills + my education + my interests= job opportunity available.  On a complete whim, I applied for the position.

Within one week of pushing the SEND button of my resume, I received an application, background check, and security clearance forms from the recruiter.  I filled out the application and accompanying paper work.  On Sunday evening, I received an e-mail from the hiring manager who wanted to schedule a job interview with me for Monday.  The interview went very very well.  I got an offer.  And the job starts FEBRUARY 9.  It pays WAY more than I am making now.  Benefits are better than Cristian's company or the school district where I currently work.  The only problem is it starts February 9.  In San Antonio, TX.  And I live in Orlando.  Did I mention the job starts February 9?????  In San Antonio, TX???

I have so many friends and friends of friends who have been unemployed and have searched endlessly for jobs.  We are talking 100, 200, even 300 resumes sent out and job applications filled out.  I have friends who have been unemployed for  6 months, 1 year, and 18 months respectively.  I sent out 1 resume.  I filled out 1 application.  I had one interview WITH THE HIRING MANAGER.  And I got offered the job.  WOW.   Speechless.

Yes, I get annoyed at some of the members in my branch that think that my full-time job is to find THEM a job.  But in the process of my service, look at the door that was opened for me.  Heavenly Father has my back.  He is watching out for me.  I have options.  I have options.  I know, it might sound even crazier than my life is right now . . . but I.HAVE.OPTIONS.  I am grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who looks out for me,helps me, and reminds me on a daily basis that tender mercies abound.

Callings and Tender Mercies

So have I mentioned my latest calling in church?  Go ahead.  Take a guess.  I guarantee that never in one million and one years will you guess.  I will give you a hint.  It's a calling that I have NEVER, EVER had in my whole entire life.  O.K.  so of course my handful of readers are mostly cyber friends.  I will give you some help in guessing by telling you the church callings that I have had over the past 20 years:

• Relief Society President, R.S. Teacher, Visting Teacher Coordinator
• Young Women's President, YW 1st Counselor, YW 2nd Counselor, Beehive Adviser
• Primary 1st Counselor (times two), Primary 2nd Counselor (times three), Nursery Leader, Primary Chorister (times two), Wolf Den Leader, Bear Den Leader
• Gospel Doctrine Teacher, Gospel Essentials Teacher (times 2), Sunday School Teacher 12-13 year olds (times 3)
• Organist
• Seminary Teacher 

Humor me.  Just because you know, I am trying to be happy and all.  What is my latest church calling?  Leave a comment in the comments section and I will tell you a little story about my calling in tomorrow's post. I am not even going to promise some fabulous prize.  If you know me, you know how well the post office and I get along.   It's all well and good in theory, but I lack the follow-through skills to actually be able to send you a prize.  I can however offer you a big giant cyber hug . . . or maybe even a kiss on the cheek.

Lessons and Dreams

It's me again.  And I am among the living.  In fact, I feel like I am doing even more than just the mere day to day survival.  On Tuesday night, I met with our new Stake President.  It was very brief visit that lasted no longer than 30 minutes total.  Yet, the lessons I learned in that 30 minutes were very profound and can help me turn the corner of this deep dark despair I have felt the past year.

#1  I expressed that my heart still HURTS.  President Shill reminded me that my Savior Jesus Christ KNOWS exactly how I feel.  He said if there is anyone that can relate to having a broken heart . . . it is our Savior Jesus Christ.  He DIED of a broken heart.  Wow.  I knew that, but I guess had never thought of it that way.  And then he told me the same thing that so many of my friends and family members have told me.  If I will just hand everything over to the Lord, he will wipe my tears, take away my pain, and heal my broken heart.

#2  Through my life experiences, Heavenly Father has given me the opportunity to learn how to FORGIVE.  President Shill reminded me to not confuse forgiveness with trust.  He reminded me that I have the responsibility to forgive and that task lies completely on my shoulders.  As far as TRUST goes, that has to be earned back through the actions of those that have caused the breech in trust.

Sitting in the Stake President's office reminded me of the counsel my former Stake President gave me last year.  President Halversen told me to pay attention to my dreams.  He told me that my dreams would lead me and guide me and help me know what to do. Unfortunately,  the only dream I remember is the "cruise ship" dream.  Throughout the past year, I have had variations of the same dream over and over again.  In this dream, I am always on a cruise ship.  I have lost my husband and I am trying to find him.  But the unnerving part of this dream/nightmare is that I don't know who my husband is. And then every once in awhile, my friend Rojo, a former missionary that I worked with in the Dominican Republic, shows up in my dream.  I ask him if he has seen my husband.  (And of course I am hoping that he will say "Oh, yes I just saw ___________" and then he will tell me where my husband is.  And I am always waiting for Rojo to tell me the name of my husband so that I can see whether or not I still am married to Cristian or if I have moved on and have married . . . the unknown man of my dreams.)

The other version of this same cruise ship dream is that my anonymous husband and I decide to do a tour/excursion.  And the excursion involves snorkeling.  But instead of snorkeling, we are on a fishing boat dangling our feet in the water.  And instead of seeing beautiful fish and other sea creatures, the ocean is filled with ALLIGATORS.  And we are stupid and continue to dangle our feet in the water trying to entice the alligators close enough to the boat, but at the same time trying not to get attacked by the alligators.  So that's my dream.  Any psychology majors out there?  I've tried to do a google search and haven't come up with any answers as to what this dream/nightmare means.

So since I haven't had any luck in the dream department, today in church a sister came up to me and told me she had a very vivid dream about me.  She said that I stopped by her house to visit and I was so incredibly happy.   I asked her what I had done to find that happiness.  Of course, she didn't have the answer for me, but she said that I was glowing and radiating happiness in her dream.    Maybe sooner rather than later I will be able to discover what will make me happy (for time and all eternity).  She said it was a dream that touched her deeply.  In fact, she was teary eyed as she told me.  She said "Hold on Heidi.  You are almost there.  You will find your happiness."