Good GRIEF!

My close friend Maria is doing her thesis on the grieving process.  Last week instead of working on my thesis during class, I started writing poems.  She LOVED them.  In fact, she loved a couple of them so much that she is including them in her thesis. I am currently going through the grieving process TIMES TWO.  Since I am SUCH a control-freak, the fact that I am grieving over two different incidents in my life and the fact that I am in different phases of the grief process is a little much for me.  I do not do well when I am not in control.  Surprised???

Today at church, I spoke to the Branch President.  His main message for me:  I need to STOP being so STUBBORN and I need to learn to ACCEPT HELP and/or ASK FOR HELP from others.  I also need to focus on ME.   I need to do whatever it takes to get HEIDI in a HAPPY place.  And not that he wanted to kick me while I was down, but he also reiterated the fact that I need to CLING to the Savior more than I ever have.  I thought it was quite appropriate that the opening hymn in Sacrament Meeting was "How Firm a Foundation".

I'm not ready to talk about the incidents I am grieving over, but I am ready to share one of my poems. The new and improved HAPPY HEIDI will begin to look at things half-full instead of half-empty STARTING TODAY.

Half Empty or Half Full?

Nightmares or Dreams

Misery or Happiness

Trials or Character Building

Bad Choices or Good Choices

Fault Finding or Acceptance
Selfishness or Selflessness

“Of the World” or Heavenly Father’s Plan

Looking Backward or Forging Ahead

Time or Eternity

Survive or Thrive???

Two of the questions I continue to get from my friends and family is "How do you survive?  How are you coping with all that is going on in your life?"  The answer is quite simple.  I have SIMPLIFIED my life like you would never imagine.  I know.  Oxymoron.  How could Heidi's life POSSIBLY be simple?  I have the following main goals for each day:  sleep, eat, study, work.  That's it.  There you have it.  If I can master doing all four things on my list, it has been a very successful day. 

I have one additional, all-encompassing goal that helps me to check the four items each day OFF of my list.  I am being SPIRITUALLY SELFISH.  For years, my answer to "surviving" was to lay real low on the things that had to do with church, faith, gospel, spirituality . . . just to "keep the peace".  I now have come to realize that was not a good choice.  I have been receiving answers for YEARS.  YEARS.   I  was not ready to receive those answers nor to accept them. 

Mini-miracles and tender mercies have happened in my life EVERY.SINGLE.DAY for the last couple of weeks.  I attribute those miracles and tender mercies to my Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ.  They are lifting me up and holding my hands.  I think that is what has helped me to bust out of the "survival" mode and begin to thrive.

It's going to be a long and difficult road ahead . . . but BRING IT ON.  I'm ready!

Friday Favorites Week #1

One of my friend's has been encouraging me to "not sweat the small stuff".  However,  I have this BIG GIANT problem.  I AM sweating the small stuff, the medium sized stuff, and the big giant "a boulder just landed on top of  me" stuff.

I will blog about "the small stuff" today . . .  my favorites. If it were possible to take something with me to heaven (besides my knowledge gained here upon this earth) it would have to be CINNAMON BEARS.  I eat cinnamon bears at least once a year either when my parents come to visit me from Utah or when I go to Utah to visit my family.  It's always the same drill . . . 5 pound bag of cinnamon bears from Sweet's Candy Company.  I eat about 3 1/2 pounds of the cinnamon bears and reluctantly share the other pound and a half.  Since I am a Hazen/Tribe and Hazen/Tribe's are all about food, cinnamon bears are my ultimate love language.

Thesis Thursday

So I need a favor from EVERYONE.  As in EVERYONE.  Please continually check in on me and make sure I am progressing on my thesis.  O.K. how about we pretend the last couple of weeks didn't even happen?  Because quite frankly, I have not exactly been in the writing mood.


Since I don't have a huge thesis update this week, I will go a little off topic. The university has instituted this new "security" policy.  You know, because someone from the outside might just want to go and sit in on a BORING lecture or even go do some research at the almost non-existent library.  The security guard checks our photo i.d. EVERY.TIME.WE.ENTER.THE.BUILDING.  Do you know how annoying that is when I am trying to be fashion-conscious?   I change my handbag every week which means that every week I leave my school i.d. IN THE WRONG BAG.

Anyway, if you forget your school i.d. you have to show your driver's license, fill out a paper with your student number, and offer to give your firstborn child to the institution should something happen while you are on school property.  ANNOYING!  As in HIGHLY ANNOYING.  I have been there for over one year.  And I know that besides a handful of professors, I.AM.THE.ONLY. Caucasian and Native English speaking student on campus.  So really. It completely BUGS that Mr. Security Guy goes through the same routine every time I forget my i.d.

A couple of months ago, I told him in my oh so proficient Spanish "I am the only native English speaker/white girl here on campus.  How can you not remember me?  I completely stick out like a sore thumb.  It's not like there's a bunch of us.  Do we really have to go through this i.d. thing every week?"  Needless to say, he hasn't checked my i.d. since that incident.  It's a win-win situation.  Saves him the work.  Saves me time . . . and my firstborn child.

Tino's Priesthood Preview

We attended a special Priesthood Preview event for Tino a couple of months ago.  It was a special night to honor all future Priesthood holders.  Parents and all of the prospective Priesthood holders that live in Orlando were in attendance.  After dinner and desert, a member of the Stake Presidency spoke to the young men.  Later on in the evening, there was an opportunity for us to meet with our Bishops and Branch Presidents in a small group setting.

Since our Branch President was out of the country, we met with Bishop Snow.  He actually lives two streets over from us, but we have never had an opportunity to interact with him since we attend the Spanish speaking Branch.  The spirit he brought to that meeting was incredible.  I didn't cry when Tino went to Kindergarten, nor did I cry when he started Middle School.  But there were several tears shed that evening, as I realized my little baby boy is growing up much too fast.


One of our assignments as parents was to write a letter to our sons.  It was a personal letter, but an excerpt of the letter reads:

We are so privileged to have you as our son.  We are so proud of the accomplishments you have made in your life so far.  Once you put your mind to doing something, there is no turning back.  You have excelled at school, in baseball, and with your latest endeavor-playing the baritone because of your determination.

You have also been such an example to us when it comes to being a follower of our elder brother and Savior, Jesus Christ.  You have a very tender heart and quietly serve your brother, sister, and parents.


You have been blessed with the gift of discernment.  You know that right is RIGHT and wrong is WRONG . . . with absolutely no in between.  You help strengthen the testimony and faith of your family members and those around you by your good example.

It's funny because often I actually get a little bent out of shape when Tino is being "TOO GOOD".  For example, when I want him to skip school so we can go to Sea World and ride the roller coasters, his response is "Well, do you think I am going to get into trouble if I skip school?"  In the eternal scheme of things, does it really matter if my son won't go hang out with me at the parks when everyone else is in school?  NO!  But in the eternal scheme of things, I have a son that has learned to choose the right. 

I look forward to the day when Tino receives the Aaronic Priesthood. 

I love you Tino Bambino!

 

Reflection

I know that Heavenly Father lives and I know that he is watching over me.  Sometimes life just SUCKS . . . but it's part of the great plan, right?  As it says in the scriptures, there is opposition in all things.  About three weeks ago, I had this prompting.  Basically, I had this desire to really learn more about the Atonement of Christ.  I stopped to think about my life and wondered to myself  "What can I do to better understand not only the repentance process but also the power of forgiveness?"   Then BOOM . . . I was blessed with an opportunity to learn how to do just that.   

My friend sent me a devotional from her church this morning.  It's a little bit cheesy, but the underlying message is very good.

"God is not wasting the pain in your life. He never wastes a wound. He's healing you at this very moment and using that pain to show you a dream bigger than you realize. But you need to trust Him. When you trust, you allow room for hope.  When we are in the deep, deep valley we must hold on to the assurance that God stands firm and strong behind us. Nothing we experience will be wasted. It will all be used for our good to make us stronger, to make us walk closer to Him, to give us a more loving heart. In our greatest pain we need to lean greatly on God. He's using our weakness to do His work in and through us, building trust, so that His dream for each of our lives can become a reality."

P.S. Heather and Anne . . . here's a picture of what I look like right now.  I tried to get the kids to take a picture, but they're not cooperating.  So this is REAL.  As in KEEPING IT REAL.  5 hours of sleep, worked all day, homework, cooking, cleaning, etc. etc. You get the drill.   I don't have as much of the "WOW, YOU REALLY LOOK LIKE A TRUCK RAN OVER YOU" look as I did last week. 

Mateo Monday #1

So since I am SOOOOOOOOO far behind in blogging, I figured I would try to dedicate one day a week to each child.  You see, I am very creative like that.  There are two things that I LOVE about every day.  It completely, totally, 100% . . . . or maybe 100,000% makes my day.  I love being greeted by Mateo's smiling face first thing in the morning and being greeted by his smiling face again in the afternoon when I pick him up from YMCA.

At the beginning of the school year, mornings were NOT a happy place around our home.  Mateo was bored out of his mind (who wouldn't be when you have already mastered all of the Kindergarten Benchmarks and Task Analyses prior to the first day of Kindergarten???)  Since Mateo is so young AND immature, grade skipping simply was not an option.  We had plenty of weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth in the mornings.  Mateo simply did not want to go to school because IT.WAS.TOO.BORING.  He BEGGED to be home schooled every day.  

Short version of the story is that I finally convinced him that just as it is mommy's job to go to school and finish her Master's degree it is Mateo's job to GO.TO.SCHOOL.  Even though it is "boring", he has come to realize that school is a place where he goes to "hang out" for 7 1/2 hours each day so that mommy can get her school work done and now her "work" work done.  His teacher has made Mateo a peer tutor.  He spends most of his days helping other students that need the help.  You know, the students that still don't know the difference between a letter and a number . . . or the students that have no clue what a "month" or "day of the week" is.  Although Mateo hasn't advanced like I had wanted him too, I have REFUSED to help him at home because I didn't want the achievement gap to be even greater between himself and his peers.

Now Mateo is happy to go to school each morning.  He is happy that he can help out his friends who aren't "as smart" as him (totally Mateo's words by the way).  And at the end of the day, when Ms. Stephanie calls him on the walkie talkie to get his things together and meet me at the front . . . he also shows his happiness and excitement. 

Mateo may or may not be a little bit of a rule breaker.  One of the rules he breaks EVERY.SINGLE.DAY is running down the halls of the school.  Every afternoon, when I pick him up I can hear the pitter patter of his feet running down the hallways of the school.  He then rounds the corner and I am greeted by ONE.BIG.GIANT.SMILE. 

So there you have it . . . two things I absolutely, positively love about each day of the week. 

Back to Blogging

So several events have happened over the course of the last couple of weeks. Two of them MAJOR.  Let me explain.  

Incident #1 A couple of weeks ago, my sister was working on her Blog Book. You see, she blogs.  And she takes pictures.  And she documents the life of her family.  As she was working on compiling her 2007 blog book, I started to think that this is what blogging is all about.  I don't write a journal.  But wow I am going to forget a lot if I don't start writing it down or at least taking pictures.  

I have often joked around that I am getting early onset dementia and alzheimer's, but in the back of my mind I'm really not joking.  I feel that I have lost WAY more brain cells than my quota of allowable lost brain cells that can be blamed on having three children.  Anyway, bottom line . . . I felt that I needed to start blogging again.

Incident #2  My mother . . . who is about on my level as far as technology goes . . . joined Facebook.  Actually, I take that back.  I think my mom is more advanced than I am as far as technology goes because she learned how to text message, compose an e-mail, check her cell phone voice messages, and send a page many many months (and maybe even years) sooner than I ever learned how to do so.  

Why did my mom join Facebook?  Because she wanted to know what is going on in the lives of her grandbabies that live ON.THE.OTHER.SIDE.OF.THE.COUNTRY.  It is so much easier for me to pop in to FB, say hi to all of my friends and family that live inside of my computer, post a status update, and then carry on with my day.  Once again, I had that prompting that I needed to get back into blogging.

So here I am.  This is my blog.  This is my story.  It will contain a lot of the past (since I have been such a blog slacker), a little bit of the present, and hopefully even some dreams for the future.