Thanksgiving 2010

 

 

 

 

 

 

We had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Although Grandma and Grandpa were greatly missed, we invited some friends over that have become like our adopted family members in Orlando. Carla and Sammie, The Meyerson Family (Chad, Meagan, Ashlin, and Tayley), and the Elders.

Funny enough, I got to know both Carla and Meagan in cyberspace. Carla and Meagan were my FB friends introduced to me through other friends. Carla attended our same church building, but the English speaking congregation. One day last summer, we ran into each other at Aquatica. Mateo and Sarah hit it off with Sammie, who is about 14 months older than Mateo. I met Meagan through one of my former zone leaders and A.P.s in the mission (Kelly Smith). Almost two years ago, he told me he has a sister that would be relocating to the Orlando area. Meagan and I corresponded via e-mail and FB for almost one year before actually meeting in person this summer.

Even though it's a little bit late for the "I am grateful for" Thanksgiving speech, I am especially grateful this year for my parents and siblings who lend a listening ear and are such examples and an inspiration to me, a patient husband, loving children, supportive friends, Priesthood blessings, missionaries who have made good choices thus far in their life so they can bless my family as they visit our home, awesome health insurance, a college education, a job to help me pay off student loans, and answers to prayers.

Christmas Gifts

 

There are no Christmas presents wrapped and underneath the tree, but guess who I found the other day?

It's My Day!!!!!

Sarah loves being in charge of writing the events of the week on the family calendar. She has known for the past couple of days that Thursday and Friday is her special day. On the calendar it says "EEG". When I asked Sarah if she remembers what that means, she told me yes. She was very excited to be hang out with me for 2 days. McDonald's pancakes for breakfast on our way there with those yummy chicken nugget breakfast things (translation: hash browns), and Flippers Pizza delivery for dinner.

When we got to the parking lot of the building, she froze. She then looked up and said "Why did you trick me mommy? It's supposed to be my special day! I don't like this place. It's the S word. (Stupid). I don't want to go inside." We waited for a little over an hour for the electrodes to be attached to her scalp. And then I listened to her cry and whine and complain for the next two hours. Let's just say this is going to be a long 48 hours.

Thank goodness for Meagan, Carla, and Shannon. Their visits give her something to look forward to. Meagan just dropped off a bunch of crafts that we can do together. YIPPIE! Carla will be delivering Chipotle and McDonald's in about one hour. I think the boys will come tomorrow. And I think I will sneak into my car and drive home allowing Cristian the opportunity to sleep in the very oh so comfortable futon.

I called my buddy Manuel the other day and also spoke to Maritza requesting the big room. They both told me it was going to be occupied. We were going to have to stay in one of the smaller rooms. However, upon checkin today we were told we got the big room. YES! What this means in layman terms is there is a double bed that I can crawl into with Sarah in the middle of the night. The futon is also a larger size. And instead of being stuck in a space of 8 feet by 8 feet, we are in a room that is double the size. Thanks friends at the Epilepsy Center for hooking us up! And thanks next door seizure neighbor who was slated to stay in the big room and arrived about two minutes after we did this morning. :0) I guess that is what we call the true meaning of "first come, first served".

Delurk anyone???

O.K. Here's the scoop.  My loyal readership has gone from 3 people up to about 15.  I am not the technology queen.  So I don't have the slightest idea even HOW to spy on you spying on me.  How about giving me an early Christmas present by telling me who you are and how you stumbled upon my blog?  Thanks!

Profound Questions

A dear friend responded to my  Independence post via e-mail.  In it, she asked: 
1) What is it that you want out of your life? 2) Does this desire or want have anything to do with perfection? (Are you looking for change on an instant basis or are you able to wait/be patient for some time to allow the blessings to happen?)  

She then went on to say:

The Atonement is the most amazing power in the Universe. It has the power to set everything right. Now the timing of that is left up to the Lord. Your comment about independence is a powerful question. You said, "Will I ever be able to retrain myself to be less independent? Will I be able to to learn to depend on my spouse? Will I ever be able to learn to pick up the phone and call my visiting teacher or home teacher if I ever need anything? Will my children learn from my example of being "too independent" and then not know how to function in their own future "normal" and "healthy" relationships?..."


Heidi, what do you want? Wait, ponder and think about your answer. Really think about it. The Atonement is what fills in the gaps. Again, I know that this is not new. But stop and look at the deeper side of things. My heart breaks, loves,and longs for you to feel happy. To not just survive life, but to enjoy and live life. For your childrens' sakes, I pray that you can find daily happiness and sprinkle that on those children so that their memories of you are of someone who was loving, kind, and FUN!

Live for today.  Take the moments.  Pray for those moments so that you are not surviving, but that you are living. Live life! That is what Heavenly Father  needs you to do.

Each week prior to therapy, I review my notes from the previous week.  Last week, my therapist was running a little bit late.  Instead of reviewing the prior week's notes, I reviewed the entire notebook.  There were two common themes.  #1 Heidi's search for happiness and #2 Heidi's cold heart. (O.K., not cold heart . . . that's just my interpretation.  My guard is up.  There is a big giant stone wall built around my heart.  I have a difficult time letting ANYONE in.  Unfortunately that "Tough Heidi" fortress that I have built around my heart has prevented me from building lasting relationships with others (friends, family, co-workers, neighbors, etc.)  It's a big deal if I let anyone into my tight-knit circle of trust.  

In answer to my friend's question, what I want is to be able to know what I need in life that will truly make me happy.  And I want to be able to rely on the Savior and allow Him to heal my broken heart.  I want my friend to know that I am making an effort to live for today . . . one little step at a time.

Nightmare in Orlando

What may or may not be the worst thing to do in the planet besides clothes shopping with me?????  Clothes shopping with my firstborn son.  I put my foot DOWN this afternoon.  #1 I will NOT allow him to wear shorts in weather that is forecasted to be in the 20s tonight.  #2 I will certainly NOT allow him to wear his one pair of long pants that we purchased for him last year which now go well above his ankles.  He is insistent that the kids at school will not look down at his feet to see his pants are FLOODS.  I am insistent that middle school kids are HARSH, BRUTAL, AND SUPER DUPER MEAN.  I will NOT let my child go to school dressed like that.  He now has two new pair of pants that are not too skinny, not too baggy, not too blue, not too black, not too trendy, and not too nerdy.  Is everyone happy now?  I am.  And that's all that matters. The end.

Ch . . . ch . . . ch . . . Changes

Well, I am not a fan of changes.  I dig my heels in.  I kick.  I scream.  I cry.  And may or may not complain a little bit.  Is it no wonder that my offspring react the same way to change?  I like comfort zone.  I like easy breezy.  Well, today was another change.  The Elder's Quorum President got released.

My first reaction was . . . tears . . .gasp . . .what am I going to do?  What is Cristian going to do?  But then I took a deep breath and realized maybe this is all part of the great plan.  Last night I was reading in the Gospel Principles manual about prayer.  The one paragraph that seemed to jump out from the page and poke me in the eye was:

Our sincere prayers are always answered. Sometimes the answer may be no, because what we have asked for would not be best for us. Sometimes the answer is yes, and we have a warm, comfortable feeling about what we should do (see D&C 9:8–9). Sometimes the answer is “wait a while.” Our prayers are always answered at a time and in a way that the Lord knows will help us the most.

Sometimes the answer is "wait awhile".   I have relied on the support of my church leaders more than ever this past year.  As I have relied on their guidance and support, their time to serve has come to an end in one way or another.  My Branch President moved to Mexico.  Our Stake President got called as Temple President.  The high council member that was also our home teacher was called to another position in the stake.  My Relief Society President moved back to her home ward.  And today the Elders Quorum President was released.

O.K. so you are probably thinking what is the big deal?  People get released in callings ALL.THE.TIME.  But you see, this is so different.  I have poured out my heart and soul to these brothers and sisters. Although I am not a fan of change, I realized one thing today.  This is a perfect opportunity for a fresh start.  This is a true new beginning.  I have felt that the Ram . . . family has gotten lost in the cracks with all of these leadership changes.  But could this be our opportunity to really grow?  And show what  we are made of? 

I don't need to recycle the feelings of hurt and pain.  Maybe I am about ready to turn that corner and allow the Savior to heal me.  Maybe this wouldn't have been possible had I been in my comfort zone . . . where my Stake President, High Council Member/Home Teacher, Relief Society President, and the Elder's Quorum President who know EVERYTHING there is to know about the Ram Fam (plus more than they ever wanted to know) were still my  leaders.  Maybe this is what needed to happen so that I would be forced to EMBRACE change.  And to rely even more on the Lord.

I am grateful for our new Branch President who has since become our home teacher.  And I am grateful for the missionaries who visit us often.  And in the meantime while the rest of these changes keep happening around me, I will continue to "wait awhile".  The answers that I am seeking will surely come.

The Nativity and "Breath of Heaven"

Tino's Birthday

 

Yeah, so this isn't a "today" post, but it's a oops, "I should have blogged about this three months ago" post. For Tino's birthday, we went down to Miami to see the Cubs-Marlins baseball game. The last time I had seen a Cubs game was during Bob Brenly's first stint as broadcaster for the Cubbies.

It seems like a life-time ago that I worked during the summers as a nanny for the S.F. Giants ball players. The Brenly's were the first family that I worked for. I tried for weeks to get into touch with Bob. In fact, Tino sent countless e-mails via the radio station but to no avail. Game day came. I told Tino he would have the chance to meet Bob. He wanted to know how. I said, don't you worry. I will get you in. We went to the players parking lot, where we saw the Cubs' bus. I went to security and told them I was a family friend and needed to speak to Bob Brenly. He had already gone upstairs to the press box. It took me awhile to find the press box, but I finally tracked it down. (The upstairs security guys were not as helpful as the downstairs security guys.) We had to find the press box the old fashioned way. Go inside the stadium, look up to where we saw all the computers and cameras, then wander upstairs in that direction.  My plan to track down Bob was going well . . . until of course we got to the doorway that said "Press Box, No admittance, etc. etc."  Yeah, right.

 

 

Once again, I had to go through my very professional and confident "I know what I am doing" speech to the security guards.  It took three security guards.  Finally, the security supervisor came to help us.  It took about ten minutes of waiting, but it was worth the wait.  Bob's look of surprise on his face after not seeing me for 20+ years was almost as big as the look of surprise on Tino's face that I was able to actually make it through security and introduce him to Bob.  As suspected, Bob hadn't received any of Tino's e-mails.  I  have to thank Joan, Brenda, Shelley, and Becky (former S.F. Giants baseball wives) for teaching me the ins and outs of getting around ballpark security twenty plus years ago.

 

As for the actual baseball game, I couldn't tell you who won or who lost.  For me the most exciting and memorable part of the game was being able to see Bob after all these years and introduce him to two of my three children.  (Yes, I was a little weirded out thinking that my kids are now OLDER than his kids were at the time that I was their nanny.)  How time flies, when you're having fun!

Schedules

 

O.K. first of all, this photo has nothing to do with the post . . . other than the fact that this post is about Sarah. She took this picture at Busch Gardens the other day. It is her contribution to the PTA Reflections Contest "Together We Can". Her artist's statement how the photo relates to the theme is "The Baby Rhino goes walking with the Mommy Rhino and the Daddy Rhino. And that is together."

Sarah is a schedule gal. This year more than ever, I have felt that my life has literally been spinning out of control. But thank goodness for schedules. And routines. And kids that THRIVE on schedules and routines. As I have felt like putting the covers over my head and not getting out of bed, I have Sweet Sarah to remind me the planned events for the day. And in case I have forgotten, she will go get the calendar off the fridge and show me.

Here is a typical conversation last night as we were driving home from taking Tino to Boy Scouts:

Sarah: Mommy, who is taking me to school in the morning? (Pause)

Sarah: Papi. And what am I tomorrow? Car rider, walker or YMCA? (Pause)

Sarah: YMCA. And who picks me up from school tomorrow? (Pause)

Sarah: YOU do. And don't forget tonight is washing hair night.

If you notice, this is more like a dialogue she is having out loud with herself. Although many of her OCD tendencies have faded away with therapies and time, she continues to THRIVE on routine. And seriously? Would I be a.o.k. if she didn't wash hair on "washing hair night"? ABSOLUTELY. But she wouldn't be o.k. with it. I am grateful that my children keep me on track. What would I do if they didn't keep me accountable for the routines that I have worked so hard to establish?

 

Judgment

I spend hours reflecting upon whether or not my judgment skills (or lack thereof) need to be fine-tuned before I make one of the biggest decisions of my life.   There is such a fine line.  Use excellent judgment, yet don’t judge others.   Elder Gregory A. Schwitzer said "Good judgment is needed not only in understanding people, but also in facing decisions that often lead us to or away from our Heavenly Father.  Although the Savior asks us not to judge others, He still expects us to use excellent judgment."    


Wow, nothing like pressure huh?

I have had the opportunity to spend countless hours speaking to a friend that I met when we first moved to Orlando. She has been hurt and wronged, yet her heart is overflowing with love, forgiveness, and sympathy.  Through the trials and tribulations she has continued to stand next to the person that wronged her.  I don’t think she has one judging bone in her body.  How does she do that?  She continually tells me that “el enemigo” was able to take the person that wronged her by the hand and lead (this person) down a slippery slope of sin and transgression, but that she has been chosen by Heavenly Father to help lift (the person) back up leading towards the path of righteousness.  Once again, HOW DOES SHE DO THAT?


I think one of my best crash courses in "try not to judge others" happened this year as I found myself in the offices of an *nfect*ous d*sease doc. I was afraid to sit down in the chairs or even touch the same pen as any of the other patients because their illness might just be so contagious that by breathing the same air I could be infected with who knows what.  Funny, how as I sat in my little corner of self-righteousness and glory, it occurred to me that GASP . . . I.AM.ONE.OF.THOSE.PATIENTS.    And by the way, I have a whole other post about that part of my life.  Being the anal-retentive list maker that I am, I can actually cross one thing off my list of worries and concerns.  But more about that later . . .

Personal Revelation

I was in charge of Family Home Evening this week.  As I searched for a message, I kept finding scriptures and toughts that have to do with personal revelation.  Of course, I didn't want to teach a lesson on that topic, so I kept on browsing.  And then low and behold, this scripture showed up right in my face:  Be thou humble; and the Lord thy God shall lead thee by the hand, and give thee answer to thy prayers. (Doctrine and Covenants 112:10)


The ability to qualify for, receive, and act on personal revelation is the single most important skill that can be acquired in this life.  (Julie B. Beck, “‘And upon the Handmaids in Those Days Will I Pour Out My Spirit’,” Ensign, May 2010, 10–12.)



The past week, I have really tried to tune out the external noises that surround me and tune in to the promptings of the Spirit.  As I have tried to tune in to the promptings, I have had many thoughts come to my mind.  I have also had flashbacks and been reminded of certain experiences I had in college, on my mission, and even early marriage.  What is that scripture . . . something about all these things shall give thee experience and shall be for thy good?  (But what if I didn't sign up for these experiences?????  What happened to the easy breezy life?)


All I can say right now without getting too personal and divulging way too much information is that I am in data collecting mode.  Now don't get me wrong.  I am NOT a card carrying member of the CIA.  I relinquished that job several months ago for my own sanity and peace of mind.  Part of my data collecting has been to focus my attention on the quiet whisperings of the Spirit.  I am grateful for personal revelation.  I realize that I need to exercise faith and have the courage to act upon the personal revelation that I have received.

Character

‎"Neither Satan nor any other power can destory or undermine your growing character. Only you could do that through disobedience. A sterling character is converted into worthless ashes when eroded by deceit or transgression. Strong moral character results from consistent correct choices in the trials and testing of life." - Richard G. Scott, Oct. 2010 Conference


I was talking to a friend the other day.  I have changed/transformed in many ways over the past year.  I am grateful for the choices that I have made that have led me to where I am now.  Even though I have kicked and screamed and cried and dug in my heels, I have received quiet confirmation of the Spirit.  I will continue to live one day at a time.  Hopefully, I will eventually not be in the stage of SURVIVING each day, but will be able to THRIVE.  And enjoy my life.  And be HAPPY.  As for today, I will do the best I can do with what I have been given and strive to continue to make correct choices "in the trials and testing of life".

Living in the Present

One of my greatest challenges has been to live in the present.  As I have had some life decisions weighing heavily on my mind, I have regretted things that have happened in the past.  And feared the future.  I know, I know.  I am reminded of the quote that President Benson's son repeated often BOTH times I took his religion class at BYU.  "Regret of the past and fear of the future are twin thieves of today".  I am going to give it my best shot to live in the present for the next 30 days.  I know I'm about 28 days late (but would it be Heidi-style if it weren't fashionably late and/or procrastinated?)  I don't even know what Novoploblo or whatever means.  And I know, that's not the right acronym.  It has something to do with blog every day during the month of November.  Except for I will blog every day for the next 30 days . . . the tail end of November and most of December.  Be prepared for an absence of photos . . . since 99.9% of my photos live inside of my camera or inside of my head.  


But I might even be kind enough to give Carla my password so she can upload/download (or whatever you call it) the hundreds of photos that she has on her phone and her camera of my family.  

Thanksgiving Break

 

Today was the first day of Thanksgiving break. I look forward to days off of work, sleeping in past 7:00 a.m., and afternoon naps.

Independence

I have always been very independent. And unfortunately, the older I have gotten the more independent and set in my independent ways I have become. I just figured out what drives me absolutely CRAZY about my job. It is a very ACT-REACT school and administration. This action-reaction gets pushed on to us.

At the other schools where I taught the administration was SUPER cool. Now I think maybe they were TOO cool for my own good. They told us their expectations and we were allowed to follow- through in our way. That system worked for me. However, it drove some teachers absolutely NUTTY. Some teachers needed the play by play and to be told step by step what to do and how to do it. Without that guidance, they were unable to function.

I work in the absolute opposite environment now. Florida is completely behind the game as far as educational practices and educational reform goes. The new "best practices" that are being crammed down our throat are the same things we were doing in California oh . . . about 10 years ago. Highly annoying. I DREAD checking my e-mail because it is always going to contain another mandate or suggestion. At the beginning of the school year, Bloom's Taxonomy was pushed and pushed. I always used Bloom's, but hadn't perfected implementing the higher levels on a daily basis. Now that I feel comfortable with Bloom's, we are now being told that Depth of Knowledge is the way to go. Seriously? Can somebody please make up their mind????? We have tons of directives and "recommendations" being thrown our way, yet the support part obn behalf of those that are not in the trenches day in and day out is lacking.

I feel like I am stuck in a cage. Not only am I stuck in the cage, but I am being cornered with my back against the wall. I don't do well with that. I appreciate independence. I thrive on independence. Now I am not a complete rebel, don't get me wrong. It's not like I am going to refuse to teach to the grade level standards and benchmarks. It's just that I do much better when I can do it MY way. Or, when every once in a blue moon I can receive some positive feedback instead of absolutely NO comments . . .with more and more "how-tos" that are sent to the entire staff piling up in my e-mail inbox.

What does this post have to do with ANYTHING? First the obvious question at hand: Can I SURVIVE an entire school year working under these conditions????? And my other questions: Will I ever be able to retrain myself to be less independent? Will I be able to to learn to depend on my spouse? Will I ever be able to learn to pick up the phone and call my visiting teacher or home teacher if I ever need anything? Will my children learn from my example of being "too independent" and then not know how to function in their own future "normal" and "healthy" relationships? Just wonderin'.

Temple Trip

I decided since the temple would be closed for the next couple of weeks, I better go "one more time" before closing. This morning when I woke up, I had this feeling that I should do sealings. Yeah, right. (What am I? A self-masochist?) A temple trip was on my "to-do" list, but temple sealings were definitely not part of my plan. However, I decided to just go with the prompting.

As I drove to the temple, I started reflecting how ten months has gone by since my whole world came crashing down. And guess what? I have survived. That is simply amazing to me. As I was pondering, I looked up and I saw the sun peeking out from the clouds. It was as if Heavenly Father was sending me my own private message saying "Heidi . . .here is the light radiating through the darkness . . . all you have to do is have FAITH and be willing to follow the path towards the light, truth, and righteousness".

I have chosen not to attempt to do temple sealings because I was afraid that it would be like pulling the scab from an oozing wound. Tonight I felt peace. And love. And comfort. I wept as I listened to the promises and the blessings of the temple sealing. After we finished, I was able to ask the sealer some questions that have been weighing heavily on my mind. He did not mince words and was VERY direct. I am confident that Heavenly Father is watching out for me. Families can be together forever SOMEDAY.

Like Father, Like Son

 

 

So I couldn't believe my eyes one day when I walked into the office. HELLO . . . could they be any more alike in appearance? They are twinners down to the Conway League t-shirts, intense concentration as they stare at the computer monitor (most likely looking up box scores or other sports stats), and the glasses.

First Day of School

So I think someone may or may not be completely MOCKING me. You be the judge.

 

 

 

Hispanic Heritage Festival

 

I was playing around with a photo of Cristian and I. Now I can't get it back to its original color. And our red eyes STILL haven't been fixed. This is the only semi-decent photo of us from the Hispanic Heritage Festival at church a couple of weeks ago.

What's Going On

Hello World. I realize that I have been a complete blog-slacker, but is that anything new? One of the things that I have been repeatedly counseled to do is to write down my thoughts and feelings in some type of journal and/or blog. Back in February, I was all gung-ho about documenting my journey on my blog. And then that fell by the wayside.

So here we are 8 months later . . . and I feel that I have progressed in ways I would have never been forced to progress had it not been for life circumstances that got thrown my way. I am so incredibly grateful for a loving Heavenly Father, Savior Jesus Christ, and for supportive family and friends.

Do I have all the answers yet? No. Do I feel confident that the Lord is preparing the way for me to receive those answers? ABSOLUTELY. Do I understand His timing? Not at all. Am I developing patience in this process? YES!

I have to laugh at what little I knew about the grieving process. I knew that my marriage had taken a HIT and that I had been diagnosed with an illness that has no cure within one week's time of each other. I learned all I could about grief (loss of a pseudo-marriage relationship and loss of good health). I figured that I could power through the grief cycle within a couple weeks time and then LIFE.WOULD.GO.ON. Yeah, right. For whatever reason, I failed to receive the memo that grief is a cyclical process and that some of those stages come back and bite you in the behind. (My trip to Utah this summer happened to be at a time when I had regressed back into the ANGER stage. I was MAD.AT.THE WORLD.)

Anyway, where am I now? I continue to take things one day at a time. Previously, I set mini-deadlines for myself which were in and of itself self-destructive. (I will hold onto my marriage until I finish writing my thesis, graduate with my Master's degree, finish out my contract with the school district, etc.) I can say that the Cristian I am married to now is the man I always wished I had married in the first place. Now I am just waiting to see whether or not I can have a change of heart and whether or not I will be able to accept and receive the love that Cristian has to offer me.

We are in a good place. Family scripture study, family prayer, family home evening, and weekly family activities are part of our routine. In addition, couples prayers and weekly date nights have been added to the mix. Cristian puts us FIRST. We COMMUNICATE.

I still get frustrated with myself on a DAILY basis. I expect my heart to be healed and to NOT wake up every morning HURTING. As my therapist tried to explain it to me the other day, I am exactly where I need to be right now. I could have gone the easy way out and fled or terminated the marriage relationship back in February. Instead, I have remained by Cristian's side and given it my best shot to work things out.

We are building a new relationship. It's almost like we have been given a second chance. Is this marriage viable? Will this relationship work out? I don't know. But what I do know is that I am working on my issues while still being married. Had I fled, I would have still had issues to work on (communication, trust, etc.) and would have taken those issues into future relationships.

Mickey's Not So Scary Halloween Party

 

 

We celebrated Halloween a little early this year. We have NEVER, I repeat NEVER paid full price for a Disney ANYTHING since moving to Orlando 6+ years ago. Well, never say never. Cristian, Mateo, Sarah, and I went to the Halloween Party. Disney really knows how to throw a party. We had such an awesome time. My favorite part of the evening was when the wicked step sisters grabbed Sarah's candy bag and started pilfering through it. Priceless.

 

There were NO long lines and we each went home with a bag FULL of candy. Towards the end of the evening, we actually were turning down candy because we had already consumed our year's supply of sugar during the 5 hour stint at the party. Fun, fun, and I would do it again in a heart beat. AND . . . I think Sarah is ready for the Disney parks. She didn't have ONE meltdown the entire evening.

Tino's Last Talk in Primary

Disclaimer:  Tino wouldn't even let me read his talk, but I snuck into his profile and read the talk he prepared for church today.  Some day he will thank me for saving this for posterity.  Tomorrow Tino turns 12.  I am so proud of him.  Last night, we attended a "Behold the Royal Army" missionary activity at the Stake Center.  After the opening exercises part, the youth remained in the chapel and the primary children went to other rooms.  I told Tino he could just stay with the youth.  He REFUSED.  He said, "Mom, they said Youth . . . and I am not 12 years old yet".  We are talking less than 36 hours away from being 12 years old and my Tino would NOT bend the rules.  I am so proud of him.  Sometimes it drives me crazy that he is SOOOOOO literal . . . but now that I stop to think about it, I need someone like that in my life.  I need a son that can help his MOTHER stay on the straight and narrow when the going gets tough.   Here is Tino's talk:

I obey Jesus Christ because I love him.

You can obey him in many ways like praying and reading the scriptures. Praying is always important. It shows Jesus Christ that you love him and are following his plan. When you pray, he blesses you with what you have asked in your prayer and keeps you safe. Daily family prayers are important because it will help you be closer to the Lord and also your family. Daniel was a great example of prayer. He always prayed when he was on the earth, even when they banned praying. Some people overheard him praying one day and told the King. The King realized that he had made a silly law by forbidding praying, but he had to follow it. They threw Daniel in the lion’s den. He prayed and prayed. When they released the lions, they did not even touch him. That shows why prayer is always important and that Heavenly Father can keep you safe.        

Reading the scriptures is always good. It helps you learn about the prophets and the great things they did in their lifetime. So when you read the scriptures, you can pass them on to people who don’t come to our church. Then maybe they will be interested and join our church. You can also be a good example to smaller kids or other people so when they are bigger, they will what to set a good example too. Being obedient to your parents is also important as you try to get closer to them and Jesus Christ. You can do countless great things to show Jesus that you love him. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

GRADUATION 2010

It's official. My degree has been conferred! YES! During the graduation ceremony, I won an award. I haven't won anything since I won Menudo concert tickets in the 8th grade. I was given the Gabriela Mistral Award which is given to recognize a student who has excelled in the Master's Degree in Education with the specialization in Teaching of English to Speakers of Other Languages program at Universidad del Turabo in the State of Florida.

I am sending Tino, Mateo, and Sarah to Utah with my Dad for a couple of weeks. Cristian made arrangements for a restful and relaxing graduation vacation for me and somebody else. I decided to invite Cristian. I have NO idea where we are going. (My Dad keeps telling me it's Daytona Beach. My Silver Sneakers class at Bally think I am going to Montana.)  Anyway, I was given the ultimatum to have my bags packed and ready tonight. So I've got to go pack some bags . . . and get a pedicure.

Mission ALMOST Accomplished

Since I am so great at "keeping it real" . . . here is a real picture on my last day of class Saturday. I didn't get the memo that my classmates would be taking pictures to commemorate the occasion. Therefore, I rolled out of bed, put on the nearest workout clothes I could find, and didn't even think about styling my hair or putting on makeup.

I'm writing the final paragraphs of my thesis. Well o.k. I took a little break but once I finish blogging I will be writing the final paragraphs of my thesis. (Big giant sigh of relief).

Since I am

Noche de Logros

Several weeks ago, I received a letter from Universidad del Turabo telling me to "save the date" . . . for a special evening.  It was followed about a week later with a fancy shmancy invitation to a "Noche de Logros" or Achievement Night and dinner held at a local hotel.  Up until last night, I had no idea what the event was for.  I knew it was semi-formal (Latin version semi-formal = FORMAL for gringo standards).  The old Heidi would have had a complete CLOTHING CRISIS. But the new and improved Heidi decided to wear a black dress and accessorize and call it a day.

I was able to invite two people.  I decided to invite Cristian and Tino.  Of course, Tino wasn't interested in going.   (NBA playoffs OR hanging out with a bunch of Latinos, conversing in Spanish the whole evening AND listening to music he doesn't particularly care for.  I'd like to think that it was a difficult decision for him to choose between the two events, but ESPN was calling his name.)

(Cristian picked me up at Shannon's house.  It was like a real, honest to goodness date).

All three universities that are part of Ana G. Mendez University System invited the Master's degree candidates for  who had received a 3.9-4.0 GPA and had superior class attendance, participation, conduct, etc.  

 

Bottom line is I got a nice dinner, certificate, and medal for my 4.0 GPA.  I will get to wear the medal around my neck during the graduation ceremony.  I think I will wear that medal every single day for the rest of my life.  It's been a long and hard journey.  There have definitely been some BUMPS in the road . . . but my big day is ALMOST here.  

Thesis Thursday

I have a Professor who is pretty amazing.  I had to choose between three different professors for my Literature Review Proposal class and for my Thesis class.  This particular professor came HIGHLY recommended.  And all of my former professors told me he would be a perfect for me.  He is very demanding and follows through.  Does it surprise you that I need someone that is going to be very demanding AND follow through?  Needless to say, I had to say goodbye to the rest of my classmates that I have taken almost every class with throughout the program.  They chose one of the two professors who have the reputation for being extremely easy and lenient on grammar, English language, and thesis content.

During Spring Break, I was able to finish my Literature Review Proposal class.  Let's just say that the high stress events that happened in February left me UNABLE to write.  Or THINK.  Or try to even pretend that I was a little bit interested in continuing on with my university studies.  But, I KNEW I had to press forward.  I KNEW that it was not an option for me to let everything go.  Long story short, I was given an incomplete and an extra month to finish all of the course requirements.  Once again, tender mercies of the Lord.

On Saturday, my professor handed back all of the work that I had submitted during Spring Break.  He attached a note on the cover of my portfolio.  I might just frame it and have it hung on the wall next to my diploma.  It says:

This portfolio shows clear evidence of dedication, organization, and professionalism.  But most importantly, it reflects growth on the student's part.  This portfolio contains a wealth of information that will be useful to you now and in the future.

Ms. Ramírez, I am so glad you did not withdraw from the course, but chose to complete all requirements.  We all go through difficult times in our lives.  Some give up; others don't.  YOU DID NOT GIVE UP!  I am so glad you are one of my students.  STAY THE COURSE! 

Completely changing topics, how do you tell your professor that you would like to set him up with your mother in law?  I haven't quite figured out the best way to go about it.

For Posterity . . .

Last weekend, I pulled out my Book of Remembrance that contains a lot of family history information from my mom's side of the family.  One of the stories that really impressed me was that of my great-great grandmother Eliza Brown.  This week, I shared a story about her with my middle school students.  First off, they were completely amazed that I would even know a story about someone that lived over 100+ years ago AND that she was my relative.  The question I was asked repeatedly throughout the day was . . . "But Mrs. Ramírez, how do you know that?"  My reply?  Because her biography was written down.  It has been passed down from generation to generation.  That's how I know.  I had a huge A-HA moment.  How will my future posterity know about me if I don't write it down? 

I have learned that there is a lot of stuff that I have repressed for YEARS.  I will now attempt to write it down somewhere other than in my little notebook that sits at my bedside table and lies hidden among Mateo's artwork, Sarah's Publix shopping lists, and my other pile of "to read after May 15, 2010".

In October 2006, I felt like I was completely LOSING it.  I wanted to commit myself to a mental institution, but I was going to start a new job the following Tuesday.  I was afraid that my suspicion of "losing it" might actually ring true with the psychologists, psychiatrists, etc. I  knew I needed to show up for my new job and couldn't risk the chance of not being let out of the loony bin by the medical professionals.  Cristian sensed my desperation and booked an immediate flight for me to Utah.  It just so happened to be the same weekend that my parents, Anne, and Rob would be visiting.  And Heather was living there.  It couldn't have worked out any better than that.  The stars had aligned in my favor and I was going to have an entire weekend of support from my family.

It was the perfect retreat.  It was way better than being committed to a mental institution.  On the plane flight back home, I felt inspired to jot down a list of things that I wanted more than anything in the world.  It was my ultimate wish list.  I wrote down wishes and desires for myself, for my family, and for my marriage.

My #1 desire/wish for my marriage was "to feel like I am being taken care of financially, emotionally, spiritually, and physically".  My #2 desire/wish was "to feel appreciated and valued for my contributions to the household and family".  This morning, I had another A-HA moment.  It was so profound (to me) that I felt I needed to write it down before I got started on my daily Saturday routine of thesis writing, presentation planning and sitting in class for 4+ hours.

The course of events over the last couple of months has FORCED me to change.  Now I am not a "I really love CHANGE" type of a gal.  I get in my comfort zone and PREFER to stay there.  However, the trials and tribulations have made me reflect, ponder, and analyze EVERYTHING about my life as I once knew it.  It wasn't fair for me to impose my #1 desires of my marriage on my husband.  I needed to look in the mirror and take responsibility for those desires.  Instead of them being desires for my marriage, I needed to have them be desires for myself.

I realized this morningduring my A-HA moment that I am in the process of successfully taking ownership in seeing that I take care of me instead of waiting or hoping for someone else to take care of me.  You know what?  It feels fabulous. I don't feel discouraged.  I don't feel disappointed.  And I don't feel let down.  I feel the exact opposite.  I feel EMPOWERED.  Here's my brief update:

• Spiritual:  I recognize the fact that the path I took for so many years of laying low just to make peace in my home was not the right answer.  I have stepped back up to the plate.  We are holding regular family prayer, family scripture study, and have begun to do regular Family Home Evenings.  I am attending the temple more often.  I have sought the help and support of my local Priesthood leaders . . . Stake President, Branch President, and home teachers.  I received a Priesthood blessing last night from my cousin who was in town visiting for a conference.
• Financial:  I have been blessed with a job.  With the income produced from that job, I am able to pay my tithes and offerings, childcare for Mateo and Sarah, student loans and debt, and have a little left over each month for savings/rainy day purposes.
• Physical:  With my health issues, I have been FORCED to re-evaluate my food choices.  I know that eating steel-cut oats, whole-grain bread, grapes, melon, and carrots are healthy choices for other people.  However, they are not healthy choices for me.  Typical food choices for me now include:  cottage cheese, berries, almonds, chicken, fish (not farm-raised), grass fed beef, and lots and lots of veggies.  I also hired a personal trainer who pushes me to a level I have never been pushed before.  (Disclaimer:  I hired the pt, but I am letting Cristian pay for him.  Thank you Cristian).
• Emotional:  I was in a nearly comatose/vegetative state while on anti-anxiety/depression meds.  I have been off those meds for over one year.  Instead, I am taking care of my emotional well-being with a more holistic approach:  chiropractic care and psychotherapy. I realize I still have a lot of issues I need to deal with . . . but at least those issues have come out of the deep dark closet.  Now that I am no longer in a state of denial, I am moving forward and progressing.

This Time is "THE NEXT TIME"

A couple of weeks ago, we made a quick trip to Kohls to get Tino and Mateo some Converse shoes.  By the way there is no such thing as a "quick trip" because Kohls will entice you AND suck you in every.single.time.   There may have been a slight meltdown because there were no more Converse in the particular color and style that Mateo HAD.TO.HAVE.  So Cristian promised Mateo that next time we went to Kohls, it would be his turn to get Converse shoes.

Last night as we drove into the Kohls parking lot for another "quick trip", Mateo reminded Cristian that last time we went to Kohls he had promised Mateo new Converse the next time.  And this time was "the next time".  Wow.  Mateo was absolutely right.  So instead of a quick trip in and out of Kohls so I could purchase a scale (cough-cough) . . . it ended up being just a little bit longer.

Since Mateo was getting Converse, it elicited a chain reaction of an impending Sarah meltdown. Since Sarah is so highly competitive and she will NOT BE LEFT BEHIND . . . she looked at Cristian with those beautiful brown eyes and said "What about me Papi"?   So needless to say, Mateo and Sarah got new shoes.  First thing this morning, I could here the pitter patter of little feet.  Except for it was a little bit more than a pitter patter.  It was more of a clippity clomp.  I crawled out of bed to see what was making all the racket.  I found these two cute as a button kids . . . sportin' their brand new Converse and flip flops.  And for the record, I wish that I could have Sarah's sense of style.  She hadn't even been out of bed for 20 minutes and had already managed to comb her hair and figure out which accessories she would wear for the day. 

P.S.  Mateo is not doing a ballet pose in the above picture . . . he wants everyone "on my blog" to see the star on his Converse.