How to Be a Supportive Family Member or Friend to Someone Who is Trying to Get Out of a Funk

It is another "How-To" Tuesday.  As I promised last week almost one month ago, here is the part II that goes along with my post about how to get out of a funk. .  I actually thought of this post topic first.  Last week month I met with my Branch President at church.  We were discussing a sort of "year in review" if you will.  When I first got into my funk, my former Branch President told me that if I was able to get through this I could very well help other people who had been in a similar situation.

Now granted, I would never ever in a million years wish my FUNKiness on even my worst enemy.  It has been a long, hard road but I have learned many lessons along the way.  As I spoke to my (new) Branch President last week, I may or may not have been venting about the events of the past year and how I was disappointed in the way some people had acted (or failed to act).   He listened and then responded that my suggestions might in fact help others out.  Maybe things played out the way they did because people did not KNOW how to be supportive.  Maybe they did not KNOW how to react and therefore had walked the other way just to avoid any awkard situations.

Disclaimer:  Riddle me this. How many times have you been slapped with the unfortunate news of someone's life?  How often has this been more of a forum for gossip as opposed to the person or persons sharing the information so that you would be equipped with the necessary skills and tools to reach out in fellowship and friendship to those who are truly IN A FUNK?  Have you ever been present when there is a BIG GIANT ELEPHANT in the room?  This post is inspired by my family members and friends who WERE INSPIRED and knew exactly what to do to hold my hand, lift me up, and help me get out of a funk.  Now I cannot say that I am 100% recovered from my personal funk, but I have made progress.  Next time, just in case you do not know what to do in an uncomfortable family or friend FUNKY situation, I leave with you a list of things my family and friends have done to help me.

1. First and foremost, remind your family member or friend (who is in a funk) OFTEN of the cleansing and healing power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  AND also remind them  of the importance that forgiveness and repentance play in this most powerful process.
2. Listen to the promptings of the Holy Spirit.  If you were saying your prayers that day and you thought that you should call or visit a certain family member or friend . . . ACT upon that prompting.  My former Relief Society was so inspired.  A day after my FUNK, she called me.  And texted me.  I must have received anywhere between 20 and 30 phone calls and texts from her.  She told me she was thinking of me.  She was wondering if everything was alright.  She was persistent.  I left my phone in my car (on purpose) . . . which means I did not receive the calls or texts.  And then she showed up on my doorstep.  She kept ringing the doorbell and knocking on the door until I finally lifted the covers from over my head, crawled out of bed, and went to answer the door.  Granted this was MIDDAY and I should not have been in bed in the first place.  But she was PERSISTENT.  And she KNEW that I needed her.  She DID NOT GIVE UP.  And what about the missionaries that had not been to our house in over a year?  Well yes, they also felt prompted.  And they stopped by.  I did not answer the door, but they did leave a message on a little note card with a picture of Jesus Christ on the reverse side.  "We were in the area and thought we would pass by.  We just wanted to say hi and we hope everything is good.  Please call us if you need anything."  And you know what?  I picked up the phone and called them.  And invited them to dinner.  We have had anywhere between two and four  missionaries to our house for dinner every other Sunday for the past 13 months.  The Spirit they bring into our home uplifts me and encourages me.  (Not to mention my kids absolutely idolize them and can not wait until they grow up and can serve as missionaries.)
3. You cannot reason logic with insanity.  Now lets face it.  When someone is in a funk, you will be dealing with CRAZY or maybe even CRAZIER.  My family members and friends took me under their wings and reminded me (with kindness and compassion) that CRAZY runs in my family.  They suggested that family history of depression and anxiety + life events could very possibly lead to= depression and anxiety for me.  Although I went to the doctor kicking, screaming, and digging in my heels . . .  I was put on a very low dosage of an anti-anxiety medication.  This actually has been a win-win situation.  It has actually calmed me and taken the edge of the craziness that is out of my control (life events) and it is also just enough that when I take it before bed, I am able to get a DEEP sleep and I no longer suffer from insomnia. Oh, and therapy?  Yeah, therapy.  A definite must.  Although I knew I was going to need some SERIOUS therapy, the thing that pushed me OVER THE EDGE and made me pick up the phone and make an appointment is when my friend's husband (WHO NEVER SAYS ANYTHING) called me out in front of my 200+ FB friends and said something to the effect of "stop venting on FB.  Go get yourself a good therapist".  
4. Offering comfort food to the person in a funk is a good thing as long as it is in moderation. My comfort food was diet coke and m & m's, diet coke and chocolate covered cinnamon bears, or diet coke and Sees dark chocolate molasses chips.  Believe me, I really felt the love when I visited with family members and friends and they had MY comfort food of choice waiting for me.  And it made me feel even BETTER when they indulged and ate MY comfort food WITH me as we talked (or as I talked, they listened).  But draw the line.  In cement.  No need to overconsume.  It will lead to emergency midnight runs to CVS or Super WalMart in search of pepto-bismol and tums.
5. Try to be honest, but not BRUTALLY honest.  Acceptable comment:  "Wow, you have a big giant bird poop cloud hovering over your head."  (This comment will actually make the person in a funk laugh several days or several weeks down the road.) Unacceptable comment:  "Wow, your life really SUCKS.  I would hate to be you right now."  Acceptable comment:  "That is amazing that your husband AND sisters have offered you half of their livers . . . if they are a match."  Unacceptable comment:  "Did you hear about the liver transplant gone bad and that both the donor and receiver of the liver DIED over the weekend?"  Acceptable comment: "Let me loan you a copy of a book that truly helped me out . . . The Walk Out Woman:  When Your Heart is Empty and Your Dreams Are Lost".  Unacceptable comment:   "Would you like to attend the Single Adult barbecue  this weekend and meet all of the people out there with BIGGER problems (and skeletons in the closet)  than you have?"
6. Remind family member or friend in a funk that you can run, but you cannot hide.  My first instincts were to pack up and move out of Dodge.  Was that comfortable?  YES.  Was that reasonable?  NO.  My house, my job, and my life are here.  Running away from my problems whether it was 300 miles away  or 2850 miles away  was not  going to make the problems go away.  The issues would still remain and would need to be dealt with sooner or later.
7. Be patient and understanding of of your family member or friend's INABILITY to make simple decisions.  You might just have to step in and make decisions for the family member or friend who is in a funk.  I have one friend that met me at Aquatica with the kids at least once per week.  I have some other friends that met me at Sea World.  I have another friend that picked up Sarah and took her to dance every week.  Cristian took 1 1/2 hours out of his 1 hour lunch break EVERY FRIDAY to bring me lunch. (He has missed our weekly lunch date only 3 times in the past 13 months).  I have another friend that schedules my manis and pedis for me.  Had these plans not been made for me ahead of time, there is no guarantee that I would have even made it out of bed that day.  My friends' and family members' patience with me and that extra help in helping plan things for me that I could look forward to were like dangling the carrot in front of the rabbit.  
8. Be a friend.  I think the most difficult thing for me was to have people turn and walk the other way both literally and figuratively.  Once I no longer had anything to offer, it was as if I was non-existent.  Turning and walking the other way?  OUCH.  It's like pouring salt into the wounds.  Now I am not saying you need to all of a sudden be BFFs with a person in a funk, but "caring, kindness, and compassion" definitely help.  Be intuitive.  Sometimes your friend or family member  need you to listen.  Sometimes advice is needed or wanted.  And at times he or she simply needs a shoulder to cry on.  

I will be forever grateful to my Heavenly Father for sending supporting family members and friends my way.