Lessons and Dreams

It's me again.  And I am among the living.  In fact, I feel like I am doing even more than just the mere day to day survival.  On Tuesday night, I met with our new Stake President.  It was very brief visit that lasted no longer than 30 minutes total.  Yet, the lessons I learned in that 30 minutes were very profound and can help me turn the corner of this deep dark despair I have felt the past year.

#1  I expressed that my heart still HURTS.  President Shill reminded me that my Savior Jesus Christ KNOWS exactly how I feel.  He said if there is anyone that can relate to having a broken heart . . . it is our Savior Jesus Christ.  He DIED of a broken heart.  Wow.  I knew that, but I guess had never thought of it that way.  And then he told me the same thing that so many of my friends and family members have told me.  If I will just hand everything over to the Lord, he will wipe my tears, take away my pain, and heal my broken heart.

#2  Through my life experiences, Heavenly Father has given me the opportunity to learn how to FORGIVE.  President Shill reminded me to not confuse forgiveness with trust.  He reminded me that I have the responsibility to forgive and that task lies completely on my shoulders.  As far as TRUST goes, that has to be earned back through the actions of those that have caused the breech in trust.

Sitting in the Stake President's office reminded me of the counsel my former Stake President gave me last year.  President Halversen told me to pay attention to my dreams.  He told me that my dreams would lead me and guide me and help me know what to do. Unfortunately,  the only dream I remember is the "cruise ship" dream.  Throughout the past year, I have had variations of the same dream over and over again.  In this dream, I am always on a cruise ship.  I have lost my husband and I am trying to find him.  But the unnerving part of this dream/nightmare is that I don't know who my husband is. And then every once in awhile, my friend Rojo, a former missionary that I worked with in the Dominican Republic, shows up in my dream.  I ask him if he has seen my husband.  (And of course I am hoping that he will say "Oh, yes I just saw ___________" and then he will tell me where my husband is.  And I am always waiting for Rojo to tell me the name of my husband so that I can see whether or not I still am married to Cristian or if I have moved on and have married . . . the unknown man of my dreams.)

The other version of this same cruise ship dream is that my anonymous husband and I decide to do a tour/excursion.  And the excursion involves snorkeling.  But instead of snorkeling, we are on a fishing boat dangling our feet in the water.  And instead of seeing beautiful fish and other sea creatures, the ocean is filled with ALLIGATORS.  And we are stupid and continue to dangle our feet in the water trying to entice the alligators close enough to the boat, but at the same time trying not to get attacked by the alligators.  So that's my dream.  Any psychology majors out there?  I've tried to do a google search and haven't come up with any answers as to what this dream/nightmare means.

So since I haven't had any luck in the dream department, today in church a sister came up to me and told me she had a very vivid dream about me.  She said that I stopped by her house to visit and I was so incredibly happy.   I asked her what I had done to find that happiness.  Of course, she didn't have the answer for me, but she said that I was glowing and radiating happiness in her dream.    Maybe sooner rather than later I will be able to discover what will make me happy (for time and all eternity).  She said it was a dream that touched her deeply.  In fact, she was teary eyed as she told me.  She said "Hold on Heidi.  You are almost there.  You will find your happiness."