A dear friend responded to my Independence post via e-mail. In it, she asked:
1) What is it that you want out of your life? 2) Does this desire or want have anything to do with perfection? (Are you looking for change on an instant basis or are you able to wait/be patient for some time to allow the blessings to happen?)
She then went on to say:
The Atonement is the most amazing power in the Universe. It has the power to set everything right. Now the timing of that is left up to the Lord. Your comment about independence is a powerful question. You said, "Will I ever be able to retrain myself to be less independent? Will I be able to to learn to depend on my spouse? Will I ever be able to learn to pick up the phone and call my visiting teacher or home teacher if I ever need anything? Will my children learn from my example of being "too independent" and then not know how to function in their own future "normal" and "healthy" relationships?..."
Heidi, what do you want? Wait, ponder and think about your answer. Really think about it. The Atonement is what fills in the gaps. Again, I know that this is not new. But stop and look at the deeper side of things. My heart breaks, loves,and longs for you to feel happy. To not just survive life, but to enjoy and live life. For your childrens' sakes, I pray that you can find daily happiness and sprinkle that on those children so that their memories of you are of someone who was loving, kind, and FUN!
Live for today. Take the moments. Pray for those moments so that you are not surviving, but that you are living. Live life! That is what Heavenly Father needs you to do.
Each week prior to therapy, I review my notes from the previous week. Last week, my therapist was running a little bit late. Instead of reviewing the prior week's notes, I reviewed the entire notebook. There were two common themes. #1 Heidi's search for happiness and #2 Heidi's cold heart. (O.K., not cold heart . . . that's just my interpretation. My guard is up. There is a big giant stone wall built around my heart. I have a difficult time letting ANYONE in. Unfortunately that "Tough Heidi" fortress that I have built around my heart has prevented me from building lasting relationships with others (friends, family, co-workers, neighbors, etc.) It's a big deal if I let anyone into my tight-knit circle of trust.
In answer to my friend's question, what I want is to be able to know what I need in life that will truly make me happy. And I want to be able to rely on the Savior and allow Him to heal my broken heart. I want my friend to know that I am making an effort to live for today . . . one little step at a time.
2 comments:
after my divorce, i was very guarded and somewhere in my head thought "i don't want people to have the opportunity to hurt me, so i'll lock them out." when i finally got to the point of letting people in, guess what? some of them still hurt me.
it's part of life, i guess. the key for me has been getting comfortable enough in my own skin that i can get past those things. easier said than done, but really very important in the whole process.
Heidi Dear
My advice... just keep baking great chocolate chip cookies and everything will seem better while the whole process runs its course. I know I for one would love to savor one of your patented cookies!
In addition, one lesson I've learned over the years is that the Lord and Savior haven't moved from their position of love for us. All they ask is that we "ask". How many references in the scriptures do you see that ask us to "ask"?
The Savior is there for us to rely on and to help heal broken hearts.
It is up to us to ask for the Savior's help and then be patient for His answer. The answer may not come immediately because we may need further preparation to receive the answer. Or, often no answer at all is the in fact the answer but we haven't prepared for "no answer"!
I particularly like Elder Scott's Conference talk in October 2009 "To Acquire Spiritual Guidance" on this subject. Try it out while enjoying one of your marvelous chocolate chip cookies.
I love you.
Padre
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