What's Going On

Hello World. I realize that I have been a complete blog-slacker, but is that anything new? One of the things that I have been repeatedly counseled to do is to write down my thoughts and feelings in some type of journal and/or blog. Back in February, I was all gung-ho about documenting my journey on my blog. And then that fell by the wayside.

So here we are 8 months later . . . and I feel that I have progressed in ways I would have never been forced to progress had it not been for life circumstances that got thrown my way. I am so incredibly grateful for a loving Heavenly Father, Savior Jesus Christ, and for supportive family and friends.

Do I have all the answers yet? No. Do I feel confident that the Lord is preparing the way for me to receive those answers? ABSOLUTELY. Do I understand His timing? Not at all. Am I developing patience in this process? YES!

I have to laugh at what little I knew about the grieving process. I knew that my marriage had taken a HIT and that I had been diagnosed with an illness that has no cure within one week's time of each other. I learned all I could about grief (loss of a pseudo-marriage relationship and loss of good health). I figured that I could power through the grief cycle within a couple weeks time and then LIFE.WOULD.GO.ON. Yeah, right. For whatever reason, I failed to receive the memo that grief is a cyclical process and that some of those stages come back and bite you in the behind. (My trip to Utah this summer happened to be at a time when I had regressed back into the ANGER stage. I was MAD.AT.THE WORLD.)

Anyway, where am I now? I continue to take things one day at a time. Previously, I set mini-deadlines for myself which were in and of itself self-destructive. (I will hold onto my marriage until I finish writing my thesis, graduate with my Master's degree, finish out my contract with the school district, etc.) I can say that the Cristian I am married to now is the man I always wished I had married in the first place. Now I am just waiting to see whether or not I can have a change of heart and whether or not I will be able to accept and receive the love that Cristian has to offer me.

We are in a good place. Family scripture study, family prayer, family home evening, and weekly family activities are part of our routine. In addition, couples prayers and weekly date nights have been added to the mix. Cristian puts us FIRST. We COMMUNICATE.

I still get frustrated with myself on a DAILY basis. I expect my heart to be healed and to NOT wake up every morning HURTING. As my therapist tried to explain it to me the other day, I am exactly where I need to be right now. I could have gone the easy way out and fled or terminated the marriage relationship back in February. Instead, I have remained by Cristian's side and given it my best shot to work things out.

We are building a new relationship. It's almost like we have been given a second chance. Is this marriage viable? Will this relationship work out? I don't know. But what I do know is that I am working on my issues while still being married. Had I fled, I would have still had issues to work on (communication, trust, etc.) and would have taken those issues into future relationships.