For Posterity . . .

Last weekend, I pulled out my Book of Remembrance that contains a lot of family history information from my mom's side of the family.  One of the stories that really impressed me was that of my great-great grandmother Eliza Brown.  This week, I shared a story about her with my middle school students.  First off, they were completely amazed that I would even know a story about someone that lived over 100+ years ago AND that she was my relative.  The question I was asked repeatedly throughout the day was . . . "But Mrs. Ramírez, how do you know that?"  My reply?  Because her biography was written down.  It has been passed down from generation to generation.  That's how I know.  I had a huge A-HA moment.  How will my future posterity know about me if I don't write it down? 

I have learned that there is a lot of stuff that I have repressed for YEARS.  I will now attempt to write it down somewhere other than in my little notebook that sits at my bedside table and lies hidden among Mateo's artwork, Sarah's Publix shopping lists, and my other pile of "to read after May 15, 2010".

In October 2006, I felt like I was completely LOSING it.  I wanted to commit myself to a mental institution, but I was going to start a new job the following Tuesday.  I was afraid that my suspicion of "losing it" might actually ring true with the psychologists, psychiatrists, etc. I  knew I needed to show up for my new job and couldn't risk the chance of not being let out of the loony bin by the medical professionals.  Cristian sensed my desperation and booked an immediate flight for me to Utah.  It just so happened to be the same weekend that my parents, Anne, and Rob would be visiting.  And Heather was living there.  It couldn't have worked out any better than that.  The stars had aligned in my favor and I was going to have an entire weekend of support from my family.

It was the perfect retreat.  It was way better than being committed to a mental institution.  On the plane flight back home, I felt inspired to jot down a list of things that I wanted more than anything in the world.  It was my ultimate wish list.  I wrote down wishes and desires for myself, for my family, and for my marriage.

My #1 desire/wish for my marriage was "to feel like I am being taken care of financially, emotionally, spiritually, and physically".  My #2 desire/wish was "to feel appreciated and valued for my contributions to the household and family".  This morning, I had another A-HA moment.  It was so profound (to me) that I felt I needed to write it down before I got started on my daily Saturday routine of thesis writing, presentation planning and sitting in class for 4+ hours.

The course of events over the last couple of months has FORCED me to change.  Now I am not a "I really love CHANGE" type of a gal.  I get in my comfort zone and PREFER to stay there.  However, the trials and tribulations have made me reflect, ponder, and analyze EVERYTHING about my life as I once knew it.  It wasn't fair for me to impose my #1 desires of my marriage on my husband.  I needed to look in the mirror and take responsibility for those desires.  Instead of them being desires for my marriage, I needed to have them be desires for myself.

I realized this morningduring my A-HA moment that I am in the process of successfully taking ownership in seeing that I take care of me instead of waiting or hoping for someone else to take care of me.  You know what?  It feels fabulous. I don't feel discouraged.  I don't feel disappointed.  And I don't feel let down.  I feel the exact opposite.  I feel EMPOWERED.  Here's my brief update:

• Spiritual:  I recognize the fact that the path I took for so many years of laying low just to make peace in my home was not the right answer.  I have stepped back up to the plate.  We are holding regular family prayer, family scripture study, and have begun to do regular Family Home Evenings.  I am attending the temple more often.  I have sought the help and support of my local Priesthood leaders . . . Stake President, Branch President, and home teachers.  I received a Priesthood blessing last night from my cousin who was in town visiting for a conference.
• Financial:  I have been blessed with a job.  With the income produced from that job, I am able to pay my tithes and offerings, childcare for Mateo and Sarah, student loans and debt, and have a little left over each month for savings/rainy day purposes.
• Physical:  With my health issues, I have been FORCED to re-evaluate my food choices.  I know that eating steel-cut oats, whole-grain bread, grapes, melon, and carrots are healthy choices for other people.  However, they are not healthy choices for me.  Typical food choices for me now include:  cottage cheese, berries, almonds, chicken, fish (not farm-raised), grass fed beef, and lots and lots of veggies.  I also hired a personal trainer who pushes me to a level I have never been pushed before.  (Disclaimer:  I hired the pt, but I am letting Cristian pay for him.  Thank you Cristian).
• Emotional:  I was in a nearly comatose/vegetative state while on anti-anxiety/depression meds.  I have been off those meds for over one year.  Instead, I am taking care of my emotional well-being with a more holistic approach:  chiropractic care and psychotherapy. I realize I still have a lot of issues I need to deal with . . . but at least those issues have come out of the deep dark closet.  Now that I am no longer in a state of denial, I am moving forward and progressing.