The Day I Begged to be Sent to Barahona

Today an experience that I had about 19 1/2 years ago popped into my head.  I may or may not have had a HUGE crush on this guy that served his mission in the Dominican Republic.  When I got my mission call, Crush-Guy was so incredibly excited for me.  It was great because he would tell me tons of mission stories.  And his FAVORITE area of all was this city in the southern part of the island named Barahona.

Well, I also wanted to go to Barahona.  In fact, about two seconds after I arrived at the mission home from the MTC and met my new Mission President, I told him that I really, really, really wanted to serve in Barahona.  Every chance I got, I would name-drop "Barahona".  When we finally had a chance to meet and have an interview one on one, I again told him all of the positive things I had heard about Barahona and that I would really like to serve there.  He sat me down and told me that for the time being, sister missionaries did not serve out in the campo.  They stayed in Santo Domingo.

I served in Santo Domingo from September 1991-January 1992.  In early January, we got word from the Mission President that all of the hermanas would be transferred out of the capital and sent to work in the campo.  We would be serving in the Relief Society, Young Women's, and Primary auxiliaries as counselors.  We would do something called "shadow leadership".  Although we would really be doing the functions as President(s) of the various organizations, we would be called as counselors and quietly lead behind the scenes and help the new presidents learn how to do their various callings. I was sent along with my cool companion Hna. Jensen to work in all four branches of Barahona.  BARAHONA! 

I had COMPLETELY forgotten about this experience.  UNTIL TODAY.  Barahona changed my life.  Two years after completing my mission, I ended up marrying someone from BARAHONA.  Here I am, 14 1/2 years of marriage and 3 children later . . .  What path would my life have taken me had it not been for BARAHONA?  As a side note, before I went on my mission, my minor at BYU was Japanese.  Every single solitary person in the Japanese program . . . both male and female . . . EXCEPT FOR ME . . . received mission calls to serve in Japan.  Interesting.

I wanted to go on a mission since I was at least 8 years old.  I even wrote a little story about it when I was in the 2nd grade.  I dated this guy the year before I turned 21.  Everyone thought that "we were perfect for each other" and that "we should marry".  Well, yeah, that didn't happen.  I wasn't even out of the MTC before I had been Dear Janed.  Prior to getting my mission papers filled out I needed to go to my Bishop and Stake President SEVERAL TIMES and BEG for my mission papers.  You see, I attended BYU.  Everyone (except for Heidi Hazen) went to BYU to find their eternal mate.  Everyone (except for Heidi Hazen) met and found their true love within Provo, Utah city limits.  Since I had a boyfriend, the next logical step according to both my Bishop and Stake President was MARRIAGE.

As I was going through this inner turmoil . . . mission . . . marriage . . . mission . . . marriage . . . I went to visit my grandma and also went home to visit my parents.  During Relief Society, there was this video segment shown that had the song "I'll Go Where You Want Me to Go Dear Lord" playing in the background.  Of course, when I returned to BYU, we also had that same exact R.S. lesson with the video and the hymn that I DID NOT WANT TO HEAR. I KNEW deep down that I had to go on a mission.  Marriage was a good choice . . . but mission was an even better choice.

Of course, today when I went to church, I was pondering about my life.  And then, low and behold the closing hymn in Sacrament Meeting was "I'll Go Where you Want Me to Go Dear Lord".  And as I was playing the organ and trying not to choke back the tears, I started to think about what I have thought all these years was a "good choice" and what would be an even "better choice" for my future and possible eternal exaltation.  I know deep down what I need to do.  Now it's just finding the courage to "Go where (He) wants me to go".

Family Friday

One of my favorite times of the day is in the afternoon between 4:30 p.m. and 5:30 p.m.  This is when I leave work and go gather my chickens a.k.a. Tino, Mateo, and Sarah.  I have always had that "mother hen" instinct.  (And I can confirm "always" because over the past month I have been reading my journals from high school, college, and my mission.  One of the common trends I notice is that I want to take care of others or make sure everyone else is a.o.k.)

Anyway, Tino has been going to school with me in the mornings and he waits for me after school so I can take him home.  Then we go and pick up Sarah at her sitter's house and Mateo at the YMCA.  We get home and although it's borderline crisis-ish . . .(kids are STARVING, homework needs to be done RIGHT NOW, baseball or basketball practice started 15 minutes ago, etc.) . . .  I feel so good that my kids are with me.  Safe and sound.  And they have survived yet another day out in the world. 

Although I work at a school in a middle-class neighborhood, the life experiences that many of my students have had leave a LOT to be desired.  I have a group of students that are naughty.  They are not so naughty that they spend more time out of my class by serving in-school suspension and out of school suspension, but they are on the borderline.  They haven't quite decided if they want to be "good" or "bad".  Well this group of students started getting into trouble.  A LOT.  While in my class.  And when they get into trouble, it highly inconveniences me and my life because then I get to give them detention. 

Come to find out, they were getting into trouble ON PURPOSE so they could get detention and hang out with me during lunch time because I am the "cool teacher" and the "fun teacher".  The things they talk about when they come to my room are HORRIFYING to say the least.  I have a new speech for them.  I tell them they need to focus on their school . . . get a Bachelor's degree, Master's degree, well-paying job . . . and THEN when they are around 25 years old they can begin dating and have a boyfriend/girlfriend.  I want to be the strict teacher that teaches them more than they have ever known in their entire lives and the teacher that makes a positive impact on their lives.  Cool?  Fun?  UGH!!!!!!!!    

I put the KABOSH on detention.  I told them that from now on, if they got into trouble in my class they would have to go serve detention elsewhere.  "But we want to hang out with you . . ." was their reply.  So then I told them if that's what they want, then they have to be good.  And they have to choose good friends and make good choices during the school day.  They want to eat lunch with me EVERY DAY.  But I told them they can eat lunch with me one day every other week as a privilege and not as a punishment. If they don't get into trouble during the day with the other teachers, they can come to my class at the end of the school day for 10 minutes until the last group of students has been dismissed.  So now everyday after school, I have 12-13 students come to my class. 

Back to my mother hen instincts.  These students have MESSED up home lives.  I can't change that, but I can provide a "safe haven" for them when they come to school.  Likewise, now that I have seen WITH MY OWN EYES exactly what kind of influences and what kind of environment is out there that my children have to deal with EVERY SINGLE DAY of their lives . . . it has encouraged me even more to provide a SAFE HAVEN for my children within the walls of our home.  Family prayer, scripture study, FHE, wholesome recreational activities . . .  It's baby steps, but I hope that I can provide a firm gospel foundation for my children so that during those 8-10 hours every day when they are away from my presence, they can choose the right and be able to CLEARLY distinguish between RIGHT and WRONG. 

I love you Tino, Mateo, and Sarah!!!!!

Can I borrow your Spanish-English dictionary???

Yesterday the craziest thing happened.  O.K. so maybe it's not crazy.  It's just life.  My life.  My next door neighbor and friend from the islands, Natacha, came over to borrow a Spanish-English dictionary.  You see, on her side of the island (Haiti), they speak Creole or French.  She only needed help with ONE or TWO words, but had this "impression" she needed to knock on my door and ask if I had a dictionary she could borrow.

I was having a difficult day.  She of course said the NICEST things such as "Heidi, you look like a MILLION BUCKS.  WOW, what's going on in your life . . . because you look FANTASTIC!!!"  So what do you say to comments like that?  Yes, I have lost weight.  Yes, I just went to go visit my gay boyfriend/colorist on Saturday and he did a REALLY awesome job on my cut and color.  Yes, the dust is settling and the clouds are lifting . . . so I don't feel like I'm in such a FUNK.  But really????

We have been neighbors for almost 5 years.  I knew she was a nurse for some prominent doctors.  I knew she works far, far away (o.k. so it's only 45 minutes away, but still . . . .)  But I never knew what kind of docs she works for.  It just so happens that she works for specialists that treat the SAME medical condition that I was just diagnosed with.  She is a STOREHOUSE of information.  She deals with patients like ME every single day.  And she shared with me SUCCESS STORY after SUCCESS STORY after SUCCESS STORY.  It's not like it used to be.  There are some modern advances in medicine.  People do get cured. People do go on to live happy, productive, "normal" lives.

And if that wasn't enough good news to make my day, she also shared with me some other stories that have to do with the OTHER situation I am dealing with right now.  Incredible!   She ended our visit by telling me "Heidi, you need to have faith and you need to have hope.  The Lord is lifting you up right now and he is with you every step of the journey.  YOU.ARE.NOT.ALONE."  I couldn't have said it better myself.

Lessons Learned

I may or may not have had a little falling out with some of my friends that live in Blogland  about two months ago.  And I may or may not have thrown the baby out with the bath water.  I was spending a lot of my sleepless nights commenting on blogs and reading blogs.  At the time of the cyber-disagreement, I basically stepped away from the computer and stopped doing anything relating to blogging. 

I'm sad that it happened because I truly miss the daily interaction with a phenomenal group of women.  Wow could I ever use their encouraging words and uplifting advice right about NOW.  Did you read the Ensign this month about getting unplugged?  Yes, so I think that message was written SPECIFICALLY for me.  Now looking back on it, I don't think I would have been as in tune with the Spirit this last month if I would have still been so "plugged in" to the blogging world. 

I  learned lessons from every single one of those fabulous women.  Each one of them taught me a lesson or they had a life experience that I have learned from.  So although we don't communicate every day like we used to, I appreciate them for all they taught me over the last couple of years.  I don't even have all of their blog addresses anymore because I used to go to my sister in law's blog (which has since gone private) and then visit everyone via her blog.  Shout out to the BC ladies!  I love you, miss you, and perhaps we can do lunch sometime when I move to Utah.

Tino Tuesday

Well, it's FCAT time.  What does that mean?  Thanks to our lovely former president George W. Bush and the No Child Left Behind Act of 2001 (that's sarcasm Andrea), teachers and students have the privilege and opportunity to sleep FCAT, dream FCAT, breathe FCAT, and teach/learn FCAT the entire school year.  Budgets revolve around FCAT, teachers are hired and fired based upon FCAT, and students are promoted or retained dependent upon their performance on FCAT.  You gotta love those high stakes tests!

Tino may or may not be a little bit superstitious.  There are certain things he MUST do on FCAT days in order to score a 4 or 5.  It's not the studying or the preparation that happens the other 363 days of the year.  It's all about the FCAT breakfast.  Anyway, I made a BIG mistake of trying to use a new recipe for Tino's favorite cinnamon rolls.  (Note to self:  Tino's favorites are the OTHER cinnamon roll recipe that I usually use . . . not the NEW recipe that was HORRIBLE).

I know what you are thinking.  I should KNOW better.  I'm an AFAA certified Group Exercise instructor and I should not be feeding my child a bunch of white flour and white sugar . . . day of the FCAT.  Don't worry, I make Tino eat scrambled eggs and drink a glass of milk so there's at least some protein to combat the sugar high.  Oh yeah, and I don't even use white sugar.  I use brown sugar.  (How's that for some justification???)

Mateo Monday #2

Mateo has to do "letter of the week" homework every Monday.  This homework was HIGHLY annoying for me until he learned how to find his own clipart in Word.  A couple of weeks ago, dear Tino downloaded, uploaded or whatever it's called the virus of all viruses onto our computer.  When Cristian was doing the clean sweep, it also wiped out all of the clipart and photos in Word.

Since Mateo no longer has easy access to clipart anymore, he draws his pictures for his homework.  His teacher expects him to write several sentences to go along with the corresponding pictures.  I love Monday homework now because I get to see Mateo's creations.   

Livers . . .

I have never ever been diagnosed with an illness that has NO CURE.  Until of course February 18, 2010.  This is all a VERY NEW experience for me.  What do you do?  What do you say?  Am I going to die tomorrow?  My one overall fear in life has ALWAYS been that something would happen to me.  About 7 years ago, Cristian and I had a conversation about life and death.  We decided that if anything did ever happen to us, we would want my sister Heather to raise Tino.  We knew that Heather and Brad would righteously raise Tino in the gospel.  We made a verbal agreement. Then of course, life happened and we moved to Florida.  About 7 years and two additional Ram* kids later, we have no wills.  We never hired an attorney to draft our wills and get our desires WRITTEN DOWN.  I know.  Irresponsible. 

So back to the diagnosis.  As I stood in the clinic listening to the lab tech read off my test results . . . all I could hear was "blah, blah, blah . . ."  mixed in with her judgmental comments and looks of disdain.  And then of course she told me I needed to seek medical attention IMMEDIATELY.  The illness is known as the "silent killer" because usually one doesn't find out about it until cirhossis of the liver or liver cancer is so far advanced there is nothing that doctors or specialists can do to make it better.  I was bitter.  I was numb.  I was definitely in shock. 

My first knee-jerk reaction was to call my doctor who I had just hired a couple months ago.  The thing I LOVE about this doctor is he takes walk-ins.  It might take a couple of hours waiting, but appointments are not necessary.  So when I went to make a phone call Friday morning, I had this strong impression to WAIT.  And CALL  the doctor that had just opened up a new office across the street from my house.  I went with the impression.  I called the other doctor, but he didn't have any availability until MONDAY afternoon.  But I decided to hold out until Monday.

As I sat in the doctor's office that Monday, I felt ALONE.  If there is ever a time in my life that I NEEDED someone to be right by my side . . .lifting me up . . . holding my hand . . . comforting me . . . it was then.  The waiting room was completely empty.  NOBODY was there.  I wished that my Mom or Heather or Nurse Anne could have been there with me.  Shannon has two little ones so it's unrealistic to expect her to accompany me with her kiddos.  Carla was in Switzerland and France.  My mother-in-law was taking care of Mateo and Sarah.  Cristian was working.

This was the first time that I had been to a doctor's appointment after being diagnosed with an incurable illness.  For future reference and for anyone that might go through this experience-TAKE SOMEONE WITH YOU.  I don't care HOW uncomfortable the other person might feel while while talking to the doctor about what lead you to find out there was this diagnosis.  TAKE SOMEONE WITH YOU.

I entered the consult room.  I still felt VERY alone.  I felt VERY VULNERABLE.  And then I looked up.  There was a painting that filled almost the entire wall.  It's called The Difficult Case by Nathan Greene.  At that moment, an overwhelming peace filled my soul.  I felt calm.   

My new doctor introduced himself.  He looked at my lab results.  He then told me that he knows exactly what I am going through because he has a loved one suffering from a similar illness.  What are the ODDS that the new doctor that I chose happens to have a daughter with a similar illness?  She is being treated holistically.  She was scheduled to begin interferon treatments (which is like radiation or chemotherapy), but since doing this alternative treatment her numbers have dropped so dramatically that she no longer even has high enough numbers to receive the interferon treatments.  Back to my question . . . what are the ODDS?  There are NO ODDS.  Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ are lifting me up.  I AM NOT ALONE. 

Later on in the week, I was listening to one of my favorite Christian radio stations.  They had a little devotional.  A father was trying to teach his children an object lesson.  He went to the meat market, bought a liver and then poured alchohol and a bunch of other worldly stuff on it.  The liver soaked everything in.  It was toxic.  He then had his children reach their hands in a bag and feel the liver.  It was slimy.  It was gross.  He then explained that he had infected the liver with the sins and vices of the world.  He explained the function of the liver and how it is so important in keeping everything else in your body running smoothly.  The devotional said more stuff which I can't remember . . . but the bottom line of the devotional was "Don't be a liver (organ) . . . be a LIVER"  Live for HIM and put your life in the hands of the Lord and EVERYTHING WILL WORK OUT.

So there you have it.  My liver (organ) might be sick, but I am going to be a LIVER. 

And P.S.  I've been playing the "who, what, where, when, why, how" game for a couple of weeks now.  I don't have all the answers.  But I do know that A.  I have worked in a high-risk, bloodborne-pathogen clad environment for more than half my life (babysitter, receptionist in a skin care salon, nanny, pre-school teacher, mom, elementary school teacher, day-care worker, and middle school teacher) B.  I was hospitalized for a couple of days in a 3rd world hospital where I was administered i.v., my blood was drawn, and I was administered drugs intravenously C.  I had a bike accident in the same 3rd world country where I had to get emergency dental work done D.  I have been getting pedicures for YEARS and just started getting my nails done last summer  E.  Cristian has tested NEGATIVE  F.  Does it really matter?

The most important fact as far as I'm concerned is that it was detected early and I am seeking medical treatment.

Family Friday

O.K.  I know that it's a little bit difficult to tell if I am being sarcastic, serious, etc.   I realize that there is a fine line between "keeping it real" and having the editing function of my brain appear as if it has completely malfunctioned.  I still can't determine whether or not I am still in a total state of shock or if it's denial or if it's even real.

Have you ever watched The Truman Show?  I kind of feel like Jim Carry's character in that movie.  Now I am thinking, evaluating, and trying to distinguish between what has been "real" in my life and what was just a dream that never really existed in the first place.

Let's talk about families.  I remember about 18 years ago (cough-cough) when I first got home from my mission.  One of my very first post-mission callings was to serve as a teacher in the Relief Society.  One of the lessons that I taught had to do with teachings and doctrines of the church.  Bottom line was that some things we don't fully understand, but we need to just let it go and place it on a back shelf for the time being.  We shouldn't waste our time, efforts, or energies trying to figure it out.  I'm not talking about things like the Atonement of Jesus Christ or baptism and confirmation.  I'm talking about topics dealing with things such as polygamy or why blacks didn't receive the Priesthood until 1978.

So I have one of those topics that I truly DO NOT UNDERSTAND.  It's the whole concept that Families Can Be Together Forever.  My heart aches for this.  It yearns for this.  It is something that I want MORE THAN ANYTHING in the world.  How can I achieve this lofty goal if everyone is not "on board" with this plan?

I remember when I first got back from California/Utah in August.  One of the first songs that we sang in Primary was "Families Can Be Together Forever".  I remember that day TRYING to hold it together.  TRYING to not completely lose it in front of 60 Primary children as I lead the song.  But my heart hurt.  And the tears came.  Thank goodness it was borderline allergy season, because I was able to blame it on the allergies.  But WOW, did that ever leave an impression on me. 

I go back and forth on this concept.  The one side of the argument says . . . "What on earth did I ever do to deserve this? Together . . . FOREVER?  Seriously?  Am I THAT bad of a person?  Have I lived THAT horrible of a life?  FOR-EVER???"  And then the other side of the argument says . . ."Don't worry about TIME.  We will have the ETERNITIES to get this figured out and straightened up. It will all work out in the end because it's part of Heavenly Father's Plan."

 

Fast forward to the last several weeks.  I am starting to see this from a different perspective.  I still don't truly understand how this will all work out.  However, I truly believe in my heart that Heavenly Father has a plan for me.  I believe that my idea and/or dream of a forever family can someday become a reality.  In the meantime, I just need to have FAITH.  And PATIENCE.  And lots and lots of HOPE.

Thank you for your quiet prayers.  And thank you for not providing a bunch of external noise.  I need the quiet now more than I have ever needed it in my entire life.  I am in the process of making some HUGE decisions that will not only have a direct impact on my well-being, eternal happiness and salvation, but my children's as well.  Now that's a BIG responsibility.

Thesis Thursday

Well, not a lot to report from last week.  However, I do have to say that it is certainly AWESOME to have a very understanding professor that has "been there, done that" and can relate to what I am going through.  I explained to him that I absolutely do not have an extra $1400 floating around to repeat the class (which will not be offered again until August).  He wants to see me finish my thesis and graduate in May.  My professor gave me an incomplete AND an additional month to complete everything since I was a little bit FRAZZLED and in a complete STATE OF SHOCK the last couple weeks of class.

Cristian is being very supportive and has been helping out A LOT with the kids.  This allows me more time to study and write during the evenings.  AND yesterday he even offered me half his liver . . . no strings attached. 

Life is good. 

Seizure Sarah

Sarah has two nicknames . . . "Sweet Sarah" and "Seizure Sarah".  The last couple of weeks she has been more of  a "Seizure Sarah".  I guess the good news is that now I have learned several of her triggers which are:  lack of sleep, stress, and some of the bad food dyes and artificial junk found in processed foods.  The last couple of weeks her seizures can be attributed to stress.  She doesn't KNOW what has been happening in our home, but her body FEELS the stress so she responds by having seizures. 

Besides the slight setback of increased seizure activity, she is doing SO GOOD.  I'm not just saying that because I'm a proud mom.  Seriously.  REALLY.  Her social skills have improved, academically she is starting to show signs that SHE.IS.LEARNING.SOMETHING, and she is HAPPY.  Oh, and I can't forget to mention that I can now take her to Publix, Costco, or Children's Place without her having a complete meltdown.  And church? It's a much more pleasant experience than it used to be. 

Sarah has started to let me brush/comb her hair AND put a bow in.  Yeah, I don't know what I'm doing and her hair probably looks like a two-year old tried to style it.  BUT the fact that she now lets me touch her hair without screaming and coming completely UNGLUED is a miracle in and of itself. 

I don't have any recent pictures to post of her, so here is a picture I took in December.  I took the kiddos to Gaylord Palms Resort ICE exhibit.