What happened to the week?

I want my week back.  NOW.  Can we have a do-over?  Since my mom works full-time now, we only get to see my parents once every 8 or 9 months.  And I don't like that.  AT.ALL.  My parents were here for one week.  But it really feels like they were here for about one second.  I didn't take any pictures this week, but my mom did.  She took about 5 pictures.  And about 4 of the pictures look like Sarah was playing with her camera.  So let's just pretend there is a picture of us riding the roller coasters at Busch Gardens, eating carrot cake at Cheesecake Factory (um, who does that?  Oh yeah, that's right Tino),  or hanging out with Shamu at Sea World.

I had a very productive week.  No, the office didn't get organized.  No, I didn't put all my Kindermusik Krap on e-bay.  No, I didn't clean out my closet that has several "to be sorted" boxes that have been sitting in the same corner of my closet since I gave birth to Sarah.

Yes, I did submit my final Literature Review proposal.  Yes, I did submit my "permission to complete a study" paperwork with the school district.  Yes, I did FINALLY meet with the Stake President for 2 hours and 5 minutes while mom, dad, Tino, Mateo, and Sarah were waiting in the car.  Yes, I did make an appointment to meet with my new personal trainer.  Yes, I did make it to the post office to send some stuff that has been waiting to be sent for 2 weeks, 2 months, and 2 years.  Yes, I did continue to crank out job applications.  Yes, I did call the state of Utah and get super duper annoyed at their teacher certification process.  Yes, I did apply for a different kind of job . . . still in the educational field but as an instructional designer/curriculum writer.  Yes, I do have a phone interview this afternoon between 3 p.m. and 5 p.m. MDT time. 

Ready for the biggest accomplishment this week?  I have relinquished my wanna-be status as a card carrying member of the CIA.  (WOW, is that EVER HARD).  And my next job for the week is to give up my position as Jesus' helper.  I love my therapist.  I think I like her so much because she is blunt.  There's no messing around with her.  I have repressed so much anger and so much resentment over the years.  And now that some things are happening that I have wanted to happen for YEARS . . . I am having a tough time letting go of some of that anger and resentment.  I am second guessing motives every step of the way.  So this is what my therapist told me:  "Last time she checked, Jesus Christ had not gone on vacation.  He hadn't called me up to be his helper or assistant in the judging process.  So for now, I can give that job back to Jesus Christ and let him be the judge."  OUCH.  Once again, I need to ENJOY every moment and not question motives.

The Best Is Yet to Be

How is that for a title?  If that doesn't give me the strength to get out of bed every morning, I don't know what will.  Now if I can only keep from turning into a pillar of salt . . .   

LDS.org - Liahona Article - The Best Is Yet to Be

And for those that keep commenting that I am sending mixed messages or mixed signals . . . I think this article just about sums everything up.  I need to learn to forgive.  I need to learn to FORGET.  And I need to look FORWARD with faith knowing that Heavenly Father's plan is certainly much, much greater than Heidi's plan.  It's uncomfortable.  And it's scary.  It will be lonely.  However, I.CAN.DO.THIS.

Me Monday

It's ME.  Yeah, that's right . . . all about ME.  First of all, here's the thought for the day:  "It is our attitude at the beginning of a difficult task which, more than anything else, will affect its successful outcome." -William James

Today I had my first session with my new therapist.  I know.  We don't talk about going to therapists right?   Because EVERYBODY on this planet is NORMAL and PERFECT.  And NOBODY would ever need to talk about issues . . . or problems . . . or fixing things . . . or making things better . . . right?  So let me go ahead and just get it out there.  I AM BACK IN THERAPY.  And I absolutely, positively LOVE my new therapist.  I have been holding A.LOT.OF.THINGS.IN for a VERY.LONG.TIME.  Guess what?  That is NOT HEALTHY.  Because someday something might just happen that will ROCK YOUR WORLD TIMES TWO.  And then all of these emotions will come to the surface and you don't quite know how to deal with them and process them. That's where it helps to have someone to bounce ideas off of . . . or listen . . . or help redirect, etc.

So here is the insightful advice my therapist gave to me today.  Don't worry, I won't even charge you for passing on this helpful information:

• I need to live IN THE MOMENT. 
• I need to find PEACE and QUIET in my life.  I need to pray to have my heart filled with KINDNESS and COMPASSION.

As we were finishing up the session, my therapist said to me:  "You are a very detail-oriented and task-oriented person.  You are in a holding pattern right now and THIS.IS.GOOD.FOR.YOU.  You just need to STOP, RELAX, and LIVE IN THE MOMENT.  Do not spend time beating yourself up over what has happened in the past, or worry about your future.  Live in the moment and most importantly TAKE TIME FOR YOU.  As you take time for YOU, and focus on YOU, you will be more prepared to receive the Divine guidance that will help you to know what decisions will be the very best for your future." 


True story/sad story:  My therapist asked me what hobbies I have or what I enjoy doing that lifts me up and nourishes my spirit.  Wow.  I was . . . SPEECHLESS.  Because my whole life has revolved around my husband and my children and my church calling and my community service . . . I HAVEN'T MADE TIME FOR ME.  I don't even KNOW what uplifts me . . . or nourishes my spirit . . . or makes me happy, fulfilled, etc.  I have been so busy trying to STAY BUSY so I would not have the time or energy to think about ME.  

I guess it took the rug from being pulled out from under me to make myself . . . MAKE TIME FOR ME.




 

Friday Night FUN!!!

So this is what I do on Friday nights for fun.  The scenery changes approximately every 20 minutes.  Laptop . . . desktop . . . laptop . . . desktop . . . I have lots of choices.  My "To-Do" list for tonight is the following:

1. Update References
2. Response Paper (1 page) - Quantitative Investigation vs. Qualitative Investigation
3. Response Paper (1 page)- Ethics in the Investigation Process
4. Learning Journal Article (1 page)
5. Response Paper (2 pages)- What is the purpose and objective of the Literature Review?

Something that is not on my list for tonight is:

1. Being patient with Sarah everytime she pushes all the "x's" on the laptop and desktop (closes all my open tabs) because she declares "MOMMY.YOU.ARE.FINISHED.WITH.YOUR.   HOMEWORK.ALREADY!!!!!"
2. Remember that I need to make an eye doctor appointment and get my 2010 glasses or contact lenses.
3. Chat online with former missionary companion from the D.R.
4. Talk to mom on the phone about stupid Praxis testing (Apparently when one crosses into the Utah border all previous teaching experience and prior knowledge regarding teaching self-destructs and you have to start ALL.OVER.AGAIN  as if you had never taught a day of school in your life.)
5. Take self-portraits and blog to an audience that either doesn't exist or know that I exist because I was on such an extended blogging hiatus.

White Knight in Shining Armor

O.K. so this has absolutely nothing to do with Thesis Thursday.  Quite frankly, I have had thesis ADD and have not been able to concentrate.  This afternoon I started to think about the whole "white knight in shining armor" thing.  So is this white knight . . . actually "white"?  I know.  Completely and 100% random. 

I'm not a doctor but . . .

Funny how just this morning I was talking to my mother-in-law about how she should not try to be her own doctor and self-diagnose.  That was 100% hypocritical of me to say to her because yesterday  I was about 40 minutes late to church because I was trying to read and compare my different  lab results.  The doc called me on Saturday and I missed the call because I was at the noisy baseball field.  (Who calls their patients on a Saturday, anyway???)  Since I couldn't wait until today, I wanted to try and figure out what it was that he must have been calling me about.

I'm not a doctor, nor a mathematician, but the way I am reading things there are certain numbers that have gone down.  The numbers that have gone down are numbers that I would want to go down.  These lower numbers would mean I wouldn't even have high enough numbers to need a liver biopsy OR begin interferon treatments this summer.  I'm totally not a doctor . . . and of course I almost didn't graduate from high school because my math skills were so lousy.  I can't wait to see what my new specialist has to say about these numbers in one hour and twenty minutes. Pushing the publish button NOW.  Or should I wait until after I find out what my new specialist has to say?

AFTERNOON UPDATE:  First off, my appointment with the *nfectious disease doc went very well.  And in order to not completely freak people out (like me, for example . . . their newest patient) the name of their office is "Center for *mmunology" or something like that. I guess that doesn't sound quite as abrasive as *nfectious disease doc.

The remaining lab results were read.  Liver function is FINE.  As for biopsy or treatments, I have to have an active case for at least 6 months for either of those steps to take place.  AND, I would only need a biopsy if it's a particular strain of the illness.  My numbers are on the radar . . . but too low to have me classified in the category as someone that is trying to fight off the active v*rus.  What does this mean?  There is a possibility that it means I was exposed to the v*rus in the past and my body fought it off . . . I will ALWAYS be a carrier and test positive.  Bottom line is . . . more bloodwork and more testing.  AND, I will be able to enjoy my summer and not have to worry about the possibility of being uninsured AND having to undergo treatments.  Tender mercies . . . once again.

The Day I Begged to be Sent to Barahona

Today an experience that I had about 19 1/2 years ago popped into my head.  I may or may not have had a HUGE crush on this guy that served his mission in the Dominican Republic.  When I got my mission call, Crush-Guy was so incredibly excited for me.  It was great because he would tell me tons of mission stories.  And his FAVORITE area of all was this city in the southern part of the island named Barahona.

Well, I also wanted to go to Barahona.  In fact, about two seconds after I arrived at the mission home from the MTC and met my new Mission President, I told him that I really, really, really wanted to serve in Barahona.  Every chance I got, I would name-drop "Barahona".  When we finally had a chance to meet and have an interview one on one, I again told him all of the positive things I had heard about Barahona and that I would really like to serve there.  He sat me down and told me that for the time being, sister missionaries did not serve out in the campo.  They stayed in Santo Domingo.

I served in Santo Domingo from September 1991-January 1992.  In early January, we got word from the Mission President that all of the hermanas would be transferred out of the capital and sent to work in the campo.  We would be serving in the Relief Society, Young Women's, and Primary auxiliaries as counselors.  We would do something called "shadow leadership".  Although we would really be doing the functions as President(s) of the various organizations, we would be called as counselors and quietly lead behind the scenes and help the new presidents learn how to do their various callings. I was sent along with my cool companion Hna. Jensen to work in all four branches of Barahona.  BARAHONA! 

I had COMPLETELY forgotten about this experience.  UNTIL TODAY.  Barahona changed my life.  Two years after completing my mission, I ended up marrying someone from BARAHONA.  Here I am, 14 1/2 years of marriage and 3 children later . . .  What path would my life have taken me had it not been for BARAHONA?  As a side note, before I went on my mission, my minor at BYU was Japanese.  Every single solitary person in the Japanese program . . . both male and female . . . EXCEPT FOR ME . . . received mission calls to serve in Japan.  Interesting.

I wanted to go on a mission since I was at least 8 years old.  I even wrote a little story about it when I was in the 2nd grade.  I dated this guy the year before I turned 21.  Everyone thought that "we were perfect for each other" and that "we should marry".  Well, yeah, that didn't happen.  I wasn't even out of the MTC before I had been Dear Janed.  Prior to getting my mission papers filled out I needed to go to my Bishop and Stake President SEVERAL TIMES and BEG for my mission papers.  You see, I attended BYU.  Everyone (except for Heidi Hazen) went to BYU to find their eternal mate.  Everyone (except for Heidi Hazen) met and found their true love within Provo, Utah city limits.  Since I had a boyfriend, the next logical step according to both my Bishop and Stake President was MARRIAGE.

As I was going through this inner turmoil . . . mission . . . marriage . . . mission . . . marriage . . . I went to visit my grandma and also went home to visit my parents.  During Relief Society, there was this video segment shown that had the song "I'll Go Where You Want Me to Go Dear Lord" playing in the background.  Of course, when I returned to BYU, we also had that same exact R.S. lesson with the video and the hymn that I DID NOT WANT TO HEAR. I KNEW deep down that I had to go on a mission.  Marriage was a good choice . . . but mission was an even better choice.

Of course, today when I went to church, I was pondering about my life.  And then, low and behold the closing hymn in Sacrament Meeting was "I'll Go Where you Want Me to Go Dear Lord".  And as I was playing the organ and trying not to choke back the tears, I started to think about what I have thought all these years was a "good choice" and what would be an even "better choice" for my future and possible eternal exaltation.  I know deep down what I need to do.  Now it's just finding the courage to "Go where (He) wants me to go".

Family Friday

One of my favorite times of the day is in the afternoon between 4:30 p.m. and 5:30 p.m.  This is when I leave work and go gather my chickens a.k.a. Tino, Mateo, and Sarah.  I have always had that "mother hen" instinct.  (And I can confirm "always" because over the past month I have been reading my journals from high school, college, and my mission.  One of the common trends I notice is that I want to take care of others or make sure everyone else is a.o.k.)

Anyway, Tino has been going to school with me in the mornings and he waits for me after school so I can take him home.  Then we go and pick up Sarah at her sitter's house and Mateo at the YMCA.  We get home and although it's borderline crisis-ish . . .(kids are STARVING, homework needs to be done RIGHT NOW, baseball or basketball practice started 15 minutes ago, etc.) . . .  I feel so good that my kids are with me.  Safe and sound.  And they have survived yet another day out in the world. 

Although I work at a school in a middle-class neighborhood, the life experiences that many of my students have had leave a LOT to be desired.  I have a group of students that are naughty.  They are not so naughty that they spend more time out of my class by serving in-school suspension and out of school suspension, but they are on the borderline.  They haven't quite decided if they want to be "good" or "bad".  Well this group of students started getting into trouble.  A LOT.  While in my class.  And when they get into trouble, it highly inconveniences me and my life because then I get to give them detention. 

Come to find out, they were getting into trouble ON PURPOSE so they could get detention and hang out with me during lunch time because I am the "cool teacher" and the "fun teacher".  The things they talk about when they come to my room are HORRIFYING to say the least.  I have a new speech for them.  I tell them they need to focus on their school . . . get a Bachelor's degree, Master's degree, well-paying job . . . and THEN when they are around 25 years old they can begin dating and have a boyfriend/girlfriend.  I want to be the strict teacher that teaches them more than they have ever known in their entire lives and the teacher that makes a positive impact on their lives.  Cool?  Fun?  UGH!!!!!!!!    

I put the KABOSH on detention.  I told them that from now on, if they got into trouble in my class they would have to go serve detention elsewhere.  "But we want to hang out with you . . ." was their reply.  So then I told them if that's what they want, then they have to be good.  And they have to choose good friends and make good choices during the school day.  They want to eat lunch with me EVERY DAY.  But I told them they can eat lunch with me one day every other week as a privilege and not as a punishment. If they don't get into trouble during the day with the other teachers, they can come to my class at the end of the school day for 10 minutes until the last group of students has been dismissed.  So now everyday after school, I have 12-13 students come to my class. 

Back to my mother hen instincts.  These students have MESSED up home lives.  I can't change that, but I can provide a "safe haven" for them when they come to school.  Likewise, now that I have seen WITH MY OWN EYES exactly what kind of influences and what kind of environment is out there that my children have to deal with EVERY SINGLE DAY of their lives . . . it has encouraged me even more to provide a SAFE HAVEN for my children within the walls of our home.  Family prayer, scripture study, FHE, wholesome recreational activities . . .  It's baby steps, but I hope that I can provide a firm gospel foundation for my children so that during those 8-10 hours every day when they are away from my presence, they can choose the right and be able to CLEARLY distinguish between RIGHT and WRONG. 

I love you Tino, Mateo, and Sarah!!!!!

Can I borrow your Spanish-English dictionary???

Yesterday the craziest thing happened.  O.K. so maybe it's not crazy.  It's just life.  My life.  My next door neighbor and friend from the islands, Natacha, came over to borrow a Spanish-English dictionary.  You see, on her side of the island (Haiti), they speak Creole or French.  She only needed help with ONE or TWO words, but had this "impression" she needed to knock on my door and ask if I had a dictionary she could borrow.

I was having a difficult day.  She of course said the NICEST things such as "Heidi, you look like a MILLION BUCKS.  WOW, what's going on in your life . . . because you look FANTASTIC!!!"  So what do you say to comments like that?  Yes, I have lost weight.  Yes, I just went to go visit my gay boyfriend/colorist on Saturday and he did a REALLY awesome job on my cut and color.  Yes, the dust is settling and the clouds are lifting . . . so I don't feel like I'm in such a FUNK.  But really????

We have been neighbors for almost 5 years.  I knew she was a nurse for some prominent doctors.  I knew she works far, far away (o.k. so it's only 45 minutes away, but still . . . .)  But I never knew what kind of docs she works for.  It just so happens that she works for specialists that treat the SAME medical condition that I was just diagnosed with.  She is a STOREHOUSE of information.  She deals with patients like ME every single day.  And she shared with me SUCCESS STORY after SUCCESS STORY after SUCCESS STORY.  It's not like it used to be.  There are some modern advances in medicine.  People do get cured. People do go on to live happy, productive, "normal" lives.

And if that wasn't enough good news to make my day, she also shared with me some other stories that have to do with the OTHER situation I am dealing with right now.  Incredible!   She ended our visit by telling me "Heidi, you need to have faith and you need to have hope.  The Lord is lifting you up right now and he is with you every step of the journey.  YOU.ARE.NOT.ALONE."  I couldn't have said it better myself.

Lessons Learned

I may or may not have had a little falling out with some of my friends that live in Blogland  about two months ago.  And I may or may not have thrown the baby out with the bath water.  I was spending a lot of my sleepless nights commenting on blogs and reading blogs.  At the time of the cyber-disagreement, I basically stepped away from the computer and stopped doing anything relating to blogging. 

I'm sad that it happened because I truly miss the daily interaction with a phenomenal group of women.  Wow could I ever use their encouraging words and uplifting advice right about NOW.  Did you read the Ensign this month about getting unplugged?  Yes, so I think that message was written SPECIFICALLY for me.  Now looking back on it, I don't think I would have been as in tune with the Spirit this last month if I would have still been so "plugged in" to the blogging world. 

I  learned lessons from every single one of those fabulous women.  Each one of them taught me a lesson or they had a life experience that I have learned from.  So although we don't communicate every day like we used to, I appreciate them for all they taught me over the last couple of years.  I don't even have all of their blog addresses anymore because I used to go to my sister in law's blog (which has since gone private) and then visit everyone via her blog.  Shout out to the BC ladies!  I love you, miss you, and perhaps we can do lunch sometime when I move to Utah.