Personal Revelation

I was in charge of Family Home Evening this week.  As I searched for a message, I kept finding scriptures and toughts that have to do with personal revelation.  Of course, I didn't want to teach a lesson on that topic, so I kept on browsing.  And then low and behold, this scripture showed up right in my face:  Be thou humble; and the Lord thy God shall lead thee by the hand, and give thee answer to thy prayers. (Doctrine and Covenants 112:10)


The ability to qualify for, receive, and act on personal revelation is the single most important skill that can be acquired in this life.  (Julie B. Beck, “‘And upon the Handmaids in Those Days Will I Pour Out My Spirit’,” Ensign, May 2010, 10–12.)



The past week, I have really tried to tune out the external noises that surround me and tune in to the promptings of the Spirit.  As I have tried to tune in to the promptings, I have had many thoughts come to my mind.  I have also had flashbacks and been reminded of certain experiences I had in college, on my mission, and even early marriage.  What is that scripture . . . something about all these things shall give thee experience and shall be for thy good?  (But what if I didn't sign up for these experiences?????  What happened to the easy breezy life?)


All I can say right now without getting too personal and divulging way too much information is that I am in data collecting mode.  Now don't get me wrong.  I am NOT a card carrying member of the CIA.  I relinquished that job several months ago for my own sanity and peace of mind.  Part of my data collecting has been to focus my attention on the quiet whisperings of the Spirit.  I am grateful for personal revelation.  I realize that I need to exercise faith and have the courage to act upon the personal revelation that I have received.

Character

‎"Neither Satan nor any other power can destory or undermine your growing character. Only you could do that through disobedience. A sterling character is converted into worthless ashes when eroded by deceit or transgression. Strong moral character results from consistent correct choices in the trials and testing of life." - Richard G. Scott, Oct. 2010 Conference


I was talking to a friend the other day.  I have changed/transformed in many ways over the past year.  I am grateful for the choices that I have made that have led me to where I am now.  Even though I have kicked and screamed and cried and dug in my heels, I have received quiet confirmation of the Spirit.  I will continue to live one day at a time.  Hopefully, I will eventually not be in the stage of SURVIVING each day, but will be able to THRIVE.  And enjoy my life.  And be HAPPY.  As for today, I will do the best I can do with what I have been given and strive to continue to make correct choices "in the trials and testing of life".

Living in the Present

One of my greatest challenges has been to live in the present.  As I have had some life decisions weighing heavily on my mind, I have regretted things that have happened in the past.  And feared the future.  I know, I know.  I am reminded of the quote that President Benson's son repeated often BOTH times I took his religion class at BYU.  "Regret of the past and fear of the future are twin thieves of today".  I am going to give it my best shot to live in the present for the next 30 days.  I know I'm about 28 days late (but would it be Heidi-style if it weren't fashionably late and/or procrastinated?)  I don't even know what Novoploblo or whatever means.  And I know, that's not the right acronym.  It has something to do with blog every day during the month of November.  Except for I will blog every day for the next 30 days . . . the tail end of November and most of December.  Be prepared for an absence of photos . . . since 99.9% of my photos live inside of my camera or inside of my head.  


But I might even be kind enough to give Carla my password so she can upload/download (or whatever you call it) the hundreds of photos that she has on her phone and her camera of my family.  

Thanksgiving Break

 

Today was the first day of Thanksgiving break. I look forward to days off of work, sleeping in past 7:00 a.m., and afternoon naps.

Independence

I have always been very independent. And unfortunately, the older I have gotten the more independent and set in my independent ways I have become. I just figured out what drives me absolutely CRAZY about my job. It is a very ACT-REACT school and administration. This action-reaction gets pushed on to us.

At the other schools where I taught the administration was SUPER cool. Now I think maybe they were TOO cool for my own good. They told us their expectations and we were allowed to follow- through in our way. That system worked for me. However, it drove some teachers absolutely NUTTY. Some teachers needed the play by play and to be told step by step what to do and how to do it. Without that guidance, they were unable to function.

I work in the absolute opposite environment now. Florida is completely behind the game as far as educational practices and educational reform goes. The new "best practices" that are being crammed down our throat are the same things we were doing in California oh . . . about 10 years ago. Highly annoying. I DREAD checking my e-mail because it is always going to contain another mandate or suggestion. At the beginning of the school year, Bloom's Taxonomy was pushed and pushed. I always used Bloom's, but hadn't perfected implementing the higher levels on a daily basis. Now that I feel comfortable with Bloom's, we are now being told that Depth of Knowledge is the way to go. Seriously? Can somebody please make up their mind????? We have tons of directives and "recommendations" being thrown our way, yet the support part obn behalf of those that are not in the trenches day in and day out is lacking.

I feel like I am stuck in a cage. Not only am I stuck in the cage, but I am being cornered with my back against the wall. I don't do well with that. I appreciate independence. I thrive on independence. Now I am not a complete rebel, don't get me wrong. It's not like I am going to refuse to teach to the grade level standards and benchmarks. It's just that I do much better when I can do it MY way. Or, when every once in a blue moon I can receive some positive feedback instead of absolutely NO comments . . .with more and more "how-tos" that are sent to the entire staff piling up in my e-mail inbox.

What does this post have to do with ANYTHING? First the obvious question at hand: Can I SURVIVE an entire school year working under these conditions????? And my other questions: Will I ever be able to retrain myself to be less independent? Will I be able to to learn to depend on my spouse? Will I ever be able to learn to pick up the phone and call my visiting teacher or home teacher if I ever need anything? Will my children learn from my example of being "too independent" and then not know how to function in their own future "normal" and "healthy" relationships? Just wonderin'.

Temple Trip

I decided since the temple would be closed for the next couple of weeks, I better go "one more time" before closing. This morning when I woke up, I had this feeling that I should do sealings. Yeah, right. (What am I? A self-masochist?) A temple trip was on my "to-do" list, but temple sealings were definitely not part of my plan. However, I decided to just go with the prompting.

As I drove to the temple, I started reflecting how ten months has gone by since my whole world came crashing down. And guess what? I have survived. That is simply amazing to me. As I was pondering, I looked up and I saw the sun peeking out from the clouds. It was as if Heavenly Father was sending me my own private message saying "Heidi . . .here is the light radiating through the darkness . . . all you have to do is have FAITH and be willing to follow the path towards the light, truth, and righteousness".

I have chosen not to attempt to do temple sealings because I was afraid that it would be like pulling the scab from an oozing wound. Tonight I felt peace. And love. And comfort. I wept as I listened to the promises and the blessings of the temple sealing. After we finished, I was able to ask the sealer some questions that have been weighing heavily on my mind. He did not mince words and was VERY direct. I am confident that Heavenly Father is watching out for me. Families can be together forever SOMEDAY.

Like Father, Like Son

 

 

So I couldn't believe my eyes one day when I walked into the office. HELLO . . . could they be any more alike in appearance? They are twinners down to the Conway League t-shirts, intense concentration as they stare at the computer monitor (most likely looking up box scores or other sports stats), and the glasses.

First Day of School

So I think someone may or may not be completely MOCKING me. You be the judge.

 

 

 

Hispanic Heritage Festival

 

I was playing around with a photo of Cristian and I. Now I can't get it back to its original color. And our red eyes STILL haven't been fixed. This is the only semi-decent photo of us from the Hispanic Heritage Festival at church a couple of weeks ago.

What's Going On

Hello World. I realize that I have been a complete blog-slacker, but is that anything new? One of the things that I have been repeatedly counseled to do is to write down my thoughts and feelings in some type of journal and/or blog. Back in February, I was all gung-ho about documenting my journey on my blog. And then that fell by the wayside.

So here we are 8 months later . . . and I feel that I have progressed in ways I would have never been forced to progress had it not been for life circumstances that got thrown my way. I am so incredibly grateful for a loving Heavenly Father, Savior Jesus Christ, and for supportive family and friends.

Do I have all the answers yet? No. Do I feel confident that the Lord is preparing the way for me to receive those answers? ABSOLUTELY. Do I understand His timing? Not at all. Am I developing patience in this process? YES!

I have to laugh at what little I knew about the grieving process. I knew that my marriage had taken a HIT and that I had been diagnosed with an illness that has no cure within one week's time of each other. I learned all I could about grief (loss of a pseudo-marriage relationship and loss of good health). I figured that I could power through the grief cycle within a couple weeks time and then LIFE.WOULD.GO.ON. Yeah, right. For whatever reason, I failed to receive the memo that grief is a cyclical process and that some of those stages come back and bite you in the behind. (My trip to Utah this summer happened to be at a time when I had regressed back into the ANGER stage. I was MAD.AT.THE WORLD.)

Anyway, where am I now? I continue to take things one day at a time. Previously, I set mini-deadlines for myself which were in and of itself self-destructive. (I will hold onto my marriage until I finish writing my thesis, graduate with my Master's degree, finish out my contract with the school district, etc.) I can say that the Cristian I am married to now is the man I always wished I had married in the first place. Now I am just waiting to see whether or not I can have a change of heart and whether or not I will be able to accept and receive the love that Cristian has to offer me.

We are in a good place. Family scripture study, family prayer, family home evening, and weekly family activities are part of our routine. In addition, couples prayers and weekly date nights have been added to the mix. Cristian puts us FIRST. We COMMUNICATE.

I still get frustrated with myself on a DAILY basis. I expect my heart to be healed and to NOT wake up every morning HURTING. As my therapist tried to explain it to me the other day, I am exactly where I need to be right now. I could have gone the easy way out and fled or terminated the marriage relationship back in February. Instead, I have remained by Cristian's side and given it my best shot to work things out.

We are building a new relationship. It's almost like we have been given a second chance. Is this marriage viable? Will this relationship work out? I don't know. But what I do know is that I am working on my issues while still being married. Had I fled, I would have still had issues to work on (communication, trust, etc.) and would have taken those issues into future relationships.