Mission ALMOST Accomplished

Since I am so great at "keeping it real" . . . here is a real picture on my last day of class Saturday. I didn't get the memo that my classmates would be taking pictures to commemorate the occasion. Therefore, I rolled out of bed, put on the nearest workout clothes I could find, and didn't even think about styling my hair or putting on makeup.

I'm writing the final paragraphs of my thesis. Well o.k. I took a little break but once I finish blogging I will be writing the final paragraphs of my thesis. (Big giant sigh of relief).

Since I am

Noche de Logros

Several weeks ago, I received a letter from Universidad del Turabo telling me to "save the date" . . . for a special evening.  It was followed about a week later with a fancy shmancy invitation to a "Noche de Logros" or Achievement Night and dinner held at a local hotel.  Up until last night, I had no idea what the event was for.  I knew it was semi-formal (Latin version semi-formal = FORMAL for gringo standards).  The old Heidi would have had a complete CLOTHING CRISIS. But the new and improved Heidi decided to wear a black dress and accessorize and call it a day.

I was able to invite two people.  I decided to invite Cristian and Tino.  Of course, Tino wasn't interested in going.   (NBA playoffs OR hanging out with a bunch of Latinos, conversing in Spanish the whole evening AND listening to music he doesn't particularly care for.  I'd like to think that it was a difficult decision for him to choose between the two events, but ESPN was calling his name.)

(Cristian picked me up at Shannon's house.  It was like a real, honest to goodness date).

All three universities that are part of Ana G. Mendez University System invited the Master's degree candidates for  who had received a 3.9-4.0 GPA and had superior class attendance, participation, conduct, etc.  

 

Bottom line is I got a nice dinner, certificate, and medal for my 4.0 GPA.  I will get to wear the medal around my neck during the graduation ceremony.  I think I will wear that medal every single day for the rest of my life.  It's been a long and hard journey.  There have definitely been some BUMPS in the road . . . but my big day is ALMOST here.  

Thesis Thursday

I have a Professor who is pretty amazing.  I had to choose between three different professors for my Literature Review Proposal class and for my Thesis class.  This particular professor came HIGHLY recommended.  And all of my former professors told me he would be a perfect for me.  He is very demanding and follows through.  Does it surprise you that I need someone that is going to be very demanding AND follow through?  Needless to say, I had to say goodbye to the rest of my classmates that I have taken almost every class with throughout the program.  They chose one of the two professors who have the reputation for being extremely easy and lenient on grammar, English language, and thesis content.

During Spring Break, I was able to finish my Literature Review Proposal class.  Let's just say that the high stress events that happened in February left me UNABLE to write.  Or THINK.  Or try to even pretend that I was a little bit interested in continuing on with my university studies.  But, I KNEW I had to press forward.  I KNEW that it was not an option for me to let everything go.  Long story short, I was given an incomplete and an extra month to finish all of the course requirements.  Once again, tender mercies of the Lord.

On Saturday, my professor handed back all of the work that I had submitted during Spring Break.  He attached a note on the cover of my portfolio.  I might just frame it and have it hung on the wall next to my diploma.  It says:

This portfolio shows clear evidence of dedication, organization, and professionalism.  But most importantly, it reflects growth on the student's part.  This portfolio contains a wealth of information that will be useful to you now and in the future.

Ms. Ramírez, I am so glad you did not withdraw from the course, but chose to complete all requirements.  We all go through difficult times in our lives.  Some give up; others don't.  YOU DID NOT GIVE UP!  I am so glad you are one of my students.  STAY THE COURSE! 

Completely changing topics, how do you tell your professor that you would like to set him up with your mother in law?  I haven't quite figured out the best way to go about it.

For Posterity . . .

Last weekend, I pulled out my Book of Remembrance that contains a lot of family history information from my mom's side of the family.  One of the stories that really impressed me was that of my great-great grandmother Eliza Brown.  This week, I shared a story about her with my middle school students.  First off, they were completely amazed that I would even know a story about someone that lived over 100+ years ago AND that she was my relative.  The question I was asked repeatedly throughout the day was . . . "But Mrs. Ramírez, how do you know that?"  My reply?  Because her biography was written down.  It has been passed down from generation to generation.  That's how I know.  I had a huge A-HA moment.  How will my future posterity know about me if I don't write it down? 

I have learned that there is a lot of stuff that I have repressed for YEARS.  I will now attempt to write it down somewhere other than in my little notebook that sits at my bedside table and lies hidden among Mateo's artwork, Sarah's Publix shopping lists, and my other pile of "to read after May 15, 2010".

In October 2006, I felt like I was completely LOSING it.  I wanted to commit myself to a mental institution, but I was going to start a new job the following Tuesday.  I was afraid that my suspicion of "losing it" might actually ring true with the psychologists, psychiatrists, etc. I  knew I needed to show up for my new job and couldn't risk the chance of not being let out of the loony bin by the medical professionals.  Cristian sensed my desperation and booked an immediate flight for me to Utah.  It just so happened to be the same weekend that my parents, Anne, and Rob would be visiting.  And Heather was living there.  It couldn't have worked out any better than that.  The stars had aligned in my favor and I was going to have an entire weekend of support from my family.

It was the perfect retreat.  It was way better than being committed to a mental institution.  On the plane flight back home, I felt inspired to jot down a list of things that I wanted more than anything in the world.  It was my ultimate wish list.  I wrote down wishes and desires for myself, for my family, and for my marriage.

My #1 desire/wish for my marriage was "to feel like I am being taken care of financially, emotionally, spiritually, and physically".  My #2 desire/wish was "to feel appreciated and valued for my contributions to the household and family".  This morning, I had another A-HA moment.  It was so profound (to me) that I felt I needed to write it down before I got started on my daily Saturday routine of thesis writing, presentation planning and sitting in class for 4+ hours.

The course of events over the last couple of months has FORCED me to change.  Now I am not a "I really love CHANGE" type of a gal.  I get in my comfort zone and PREFER to stay there.  However, the trials and tribulations have made me reflect, ponder, and analyze EVERYTHING about my life as I once knew it.  It wasn't fair for me to impose my #1 desires of my marriage on my husband.  I needed to look in the mirror and take responsibility for those desires.  Instead of them being desires for my marriage, I needed to have them be desires for myself.

I realized this morningduring my A-HA moment that I am in the process of successfully taking ownership in seeing that I take care of me instead of waiting or hoping for someone else to take care of me.  You know what?  It feels fabulous. I don't feel discouraged.  I don't feel disappointed.  And I don't feel let down.  I feel the exact opposite.  I feel EMPOWERED.  Here's my brief update:

• Spiritual:  I recognize the fact that the path I took for so many years of laying low just to make peace in my home was not the right answer.  I have stepped back up to the plate.  We are holding regular family prayer, family scripture study, and have begun to do regular Family Home Evenings.  I am attending the temple more often.  I have sought the help and support of my local Priesthood leaders . . . Stake President, Branch President, and home teachers.  I received a Priesthood blessing last night from my cousin who was in town visiting for a conference.
• Financial:  I have been blessed with a job.  With the income produced from that job, I am able to pay my tithes and offerings, childcare for Mateo and Sarah, student loans and debt, and have a little left over each month for savings/rainy day purposes.
• Physical:  With my health issues, I have been FORCED to re-evaluate my food choices.  I know that eating steel-cut oats, whole-grain bread, grapes, melon, and carrots are healthy choices for other people.  However, they are not healthy choices for me.  Typical food choices for me now include:  cottage cheese, berries, almonds, chicken, fish (not farm-raised), grass fed beef, and lots and lots of veggies.  I also hired a personal trainer who pushes me to a level I have never been pushed before.  (Disclaimer:  I hired the pt, but I am letting Cristian pay for him.  Thank you Cristian).
• Emotional:  I was in a nearly comatose/vegetative state while on anti-anxiety/depression meds.  I have been off those meds for over one year.  Instead, I am taking care of my emotional well-being with a more holistic approach:  chiropractic care and psychotherapy. I realize I still have a lot of issues I need to deal with . . . but at least those issues have come out of the deep dark closet.  Now that I am no longer in a state of denial, I am moving forward and progressing.

This Time is "THE NEXT TIME"

A couple of weeks ago, we made a quick trip to Kohls to get Tino and Mateo some Converse shoes.  By the way there is no such thing as a "quick trip" because Kohls will entice you AND suck you in every.single.time.   There may have been a slight meltdown because there were no more Converse in the particular color and style that Mateo HAD.TO.HAVE.  So Cristian promised Mateo that next time we went to Kohls, it would be his turn to get Converse shoes.

Last night as we drove into the Kohls parking lot for another "quick trip", Mateo reminded Cristian that last time we went to Kohls he had promised Mateo new Converse the next time.  And this time was "the next time".  Wow.  Mateo was absolutely right.  So instead of a quick trip in and out of Kohls so I could purchase a scale (cough-cough) . . . it ended up being just a little bit longer.

Since Mateo was getting Converse, it elicited a chain reaction of an impending Sarah meltdown. Since Sarah is so highly competitive and she will NOT BE LEFT BEHIND . . . she looked at Cristian with those beautiful brown eyes and said "What about me Papi"?   So needless to say, Mateo and Sarah got new shoes.  First thing this morning, I could here the pitter patter of little feet.  Except for it was a little bit more than a pitter patter.  It was more of a clippity clomp.  I crawled out of bed to see what was making all the racket.  I found these two cute as a button kids . . . sportin' their brand new Converse and flip flops.  And for the record, I wish that I could have Sarah's sense of style.  She hadn't even been out of bed for 20 minutes and had already managed to comb her hair and figure out which accessories she would wear for the day. 

P.S.  Mateo is not doing a ballet pose in the above picture . . . he wants everyone "on my blog" to see the star on his Converse.

What happened to the week?

I want my week back.  NOW.  Can we have a do-over?  Since my mom works full-time now, we only get to see my parents once every 8 or 9 months.  And I don't like that.  AT.ALL.  My parents were here for one week.  But it really feels like they were here for about one second.  I didn't take any pictures this week, but my mom did.  She took about 5 pictures.  And about 4 of the pictures look like Sarah was playing with her camera.  So let's just pretend there is a picture of us riding the roller coasters at Busch Gardens, eating carrot cake at Cheesecake Factory (um, who does that?  Oh yeah, that's right Tino),  or hanging out with Shamu at Sea World.

I had a very productive week.  No, the office didn't get organized.  No, I didn't put all my Kindermusik Krap on e-bay.  No, I didn't clean out my closet that has several "to be sorted" boxes that have been sitting in the same corner of my closet since I gave birth to Sarah.

Yes, I did submit my final Literature Review proposal.  Yes, I did submit my "permission to complete a study" paperwork with the school district.  Yes, I did FINALLY meet with the Stake President for 2 hours and 5 minutes while mom, dad, Tino, Mateo, and Sarah were waiting in the car.  Yes, I did make an appointment to meet with my new personal trainer.  Yes, I did make it to the post office to send some stuff that has been waiting to be sent for 2 weeks, 2 months, and 2 years.  Yes, I did continue to crank out job applications.  Yes, I did call the state of Utah and get super duper annoyed at their teacher certification process.  Yes, I did apply for a different kind of job . . . still in the educational field but as an instructional designer/curriculum writer.  Yes, I do have a phone interview this afternoon between 3 p.m. and 5 p.m. MDT time. 

Ready for the biggest accomplishment this week?  I have relinquished my wanna-be status as a card carrying member of the CIA.  (WOW, is that EVER HARD).  And my next job for the week is to give up my position as Jesus' helper.  I love my therapist.  I think I like her so much because she is blunt.  There's no messing around with her.  I have repressed so much anger and so much resentment over the years.  And now that some things are happening that I have wanted to happen for YEARS . . . I am having a tough time letting go of some of that anger and resentment.  I am second guessing motives every step of the way.  So this is what my therapist told me:  "Last time she checked, Jesus Christ had not gone on vacation.  He hadn't called me up to be his helper or assistant in the judging process.  So for now, I can give that job back to Jesus Christ and let him be the judge."  OUCH.  Once again, I need to ENJOY every moment and not question motives.

The Best Is Yet to Be

How is that for a title?  If that doesn't give me the strength to get out of bed every morning, I don't know what will.  Now if I can only keep from turning into a pillar of salt . . .   

LDS.org - Liahona Article - The Best Is Yet to Be

And for those that keep commenting that I am sending mixed messages or mixed signals . . . I think this article just about sums everything up.  I need to learn to forgive.  I need to learn to FORGET.  And I need to look FORWARD with faith knowing that Heavenly Father's plan is certainly much, much greater than Heidi's plan.  It's uncomfortable.  And it's scary.  It will be lonely.  However, I.CAN.DO.THIS.

Me Monday

It's ME.  Yeah, that's right . . . all about ME.  First of all, here's the thought for the day:  "It is our attitude at the beginning of a difficult task which, more than anything else, will affect its successful outcome." -William James

Today I had my first session with my new therapist.  I know.  We don't talk about going to therapists right?   Because EVERYBODY on this planet is NORMAL and PERFECT.  And NOBODY would ever need to talk about issues . . . or problems . . . or fixing things . . . or making things better . . . right?  So let me go ahead and just get it out there.  I AM BACK IN THERAPY.  And I absolutely, positively LOVE my new therapist.  I have been holding A.LOT.OF.THINGS.IN for a VERY.LONG.TIME.  Guess what?  That is NOT HEALTHY.  Because someday something might just happen that will ROCK YOUR WORLD TIMES TWO.  And then all of these emotions will come to the surface and you don't quite know how to deal with them and process them. That's where it helps to have someone to bounce ideas off of . . . or listen . . . or help redirect, etc.

So here is the insightful advice my therapist gave to me today.  Don't worry, I won't even charge you for passing on this helpful information:

• I need to live IN THE MOMENT. 
• I need to find PEACE and QUIET in my life.  I need to pray to have my heart filled with KINDNESS and COMPASSION.

As we were finishing up the session, my therapist said to me:  "You are a very detail-oriented and task-oriented person.  You are in a holding pattern right now and THIS.IS.GOOD.FOR.YOU.  You just need to STOP, RELAX, and LIVE IN THE MOMENT.  Do not spend time beating yourself up over what has happened in the past, or worry about your future.  Live in the moment and most importantly TAKE TIME FOR YOU.  As you take time for YOU, and focus on YOU, you will be more prepared to receive the Divine guidance that will help you to know what decisions will be the very best for your future." 


True story/sad story:  My therapist asked me what hobbies I have or what I enjoy doing that lifts me up and nourishes my spirit.  Wow.  I was . . . SPEECHLESS.  Because my whole life has revolved around my husband and my children and my church calling and my community service . . . I HAVEN'T MADE TIME FOR ME.  I don't even KNOW what uplifts me . . . or nourishes my spirit . . . or makes me happy, fulfilled, etc.  I have been so busy trying to STAY BUSY so I would not have the time or energy to think about ME.  

I guess it took the rug from being pulled out from under me to make myself . . . MAKE TIME FOR ME.




 

Friday Night FUN!!!

So this is what I do on Friday nights for fun.  The scenery changes approximately every 20 minutes.  Laptop . . . desktop . . . laptop . . . desktop . . . I have lots of choices.  My "To-Do" list for tonight is the following:

1. Update References
2. Response Paper (1 page) - Quantitative Investigation vs. Qualitative Investigation
3. Response Paper (1 page)- Ethics in the Investigation Process
4. Learning Journal Article (1 page)
5. Response Paper (2 pages)- What is the purpose and objective of the Literature Review?

Something that is not on my list for tonight is:

1. Being patient with Sarah everytime she pushes all the "x's" on the laptop and desktop (closes all my open tabs) because she declares "MOMMY.YOU.ARE.FINISHED.WITH.YOUR.   HOMEWORK.ALREADY!!!!!"
2. Remember that I need to make an eye doctor appointment and get my 2010 glasses or contact lenses.
3. Chat online with former missionary companion from the D.R.
4. Talk to mom on the phone about stupid Praxis testing (Apparently when one crosses into the Utah border all previous teaching experience and prior knowledge regarding teaching self-destructs and you have to start ALL.OVER.AGAIN  as if you had never taught a day of school in your life.)
5. Take self-portraits and blog to an audience that either doesn't exist or know that I exist because I was on such an extended blogging hiatus.

White Knight in Shining Armor

O.K. so this has absolutely nothing to do with Thesis Thursday.  Quite frankly, I have had thesis ADD and have not been able to concentrate.  This afternoon I started to think about the whole "white knight in shining armor" thing.  So is this white knight . . . actually "white"?  I know.  Completely and 100% random.