Living in the Present

One of my greatest challenges has been to live in the present.  As I have had some life decisions weighing heavily on my mind, I have regretted things that have happened in the past.  And feared the future.  I know, I know.  I am reminded of the quote that President Benson's son repeated often BOTH times I took his religion class at BYU.  "Regret of the past and fear of the future are twin thieves of today".  I am going to give it my best shot to live in the present for the next 30 days.  I know I'm about 28 days late (but would it be Heidi-style if it weren't fashionably late and/or procrastinated?)  I don't even know what Novoploblo or whatever means.  And I know, that's not the right acronym.  It has something to do with blog every day during the month of November.  Except for I will blog every day for the next 30 days . . . the tail end of November and most of December.  Be prepared for an absence of photos . . . since 99.9% of my photos live inside of my camera or inside of my head.  


But I might even be kind enough to give Carla my password so she can upload/download (or whatever you call it) the hundreds of photos that she has on her phone and her camera of my family.  

Thanksgiving Break

 

Today was the first day of Thanksgiving break. I look forward to days off of work, sleeping in past 7:00 a.m., and afternoon naps.

Independence

I have always been very independent. And unfortunately, the older I have gotten the more independent and set in my independent ways I have become. I just figured out what drives me absolutely CRAZY about my job. It is a very ACT-REACT school and administration. This action-reaction gets pushed on to us.

At the other schools where I taught the administration was SUPER cool. Now I think maybe they were TOO cool for my own good. They told us their expectations and we were allowed to follow- through in our way. That system worked for me. However, it drove some teachers absolutely NUTTY. Some teachers needed the play by play and to be told step by step what to do and how to do it. Without that guidance, they were unable to function.

I work in the absolute opposite environment now. Florida is completely behind the game as far as educational practices and educational reform goes. The new "best practices" that are being crammed down our throat are the same things we were doing in California oh . . . about 10 years ago. Highly annoying. I DREAD checking my e-mail because it is always going to contain another mandate or suggestion. At the beginning of the school year, Bloom's Taxonomy was pushed and pushed. I always used Bloom's, but hadn't perfected implementing the higher levels on a daily basis. Now that I feel comfortable with Bloom's, we are now being told that Depth of Knowledge is the way to go. Seriously? Can somebody please make up their mind????? We have tons of directives and "recommendations" being thrown our way, yet the support part obn behalf of those that are not in the trenches day in and day out is lacking.

I feel like I am stuck in a cage. Not only am I stuck in the cage, but I am being cornered with my back against the wall. I don't do well with that. I appreciate independence. I thrive on independence. Now I am not a complete rebel, don't get me wrong. It's not like I am going to refuse to teach to the grade level standards and benchmarks. It's just that I do much better when I can do it MY way. Or, when every once in a blue moon I can receive some positive feedback instead of absolutely NO comments . . .with more and more "how-tos" that are sent to the entire staff piling up in my e-mail inbox.

What does this post have to do with ANYTHING? First the obvious question at hand: Can I SURVIVE an entire school year working under these conditions????? And my other questions: Will I ever be able to retrain myself to be less independent? Will I be able to to learn to depend on my spouse? Will I ever be able to learn to pick up the phone and call my visiting teacher or home teacher if I ever need anything? Will my children learn from my example of being "too independent" and then not know how to function in their own future "normal" and "healthy" relationships? Just wonderin'.

Temple Trip

I decided since the temple would be closed for the next couple of weeks, I better go "one more time" before closing. This morning when I woke up, I had this feeling that I should do sealings. Yeah, right. (What am I? A self-masochist?) A temple trip was on my "to-do" list, but temple sealings were definitely not part of my plan. However, I decided to just go with the prompting.

As I drove to the temple, I started reflecting how ten months has gone by since my whole world came crashing down. And guess what? I have survived. That is simply amazing to me. As I was pondering, I looked up and I saw the sun peeking out from the clouds. It was as if Heavenly Father was sending me my own private message saying "Heidi . . .here is the light radiating through the darkness . . . all you have to do is have FAITH and be willing to follow the path towards the light, truth, and righteousness".

I have chosen not to attempt to do temple sealings because I was afraid that it would be like pulling the scab from an oozing wound. Tonight I felt peace. And love. And comfort. I wept as I listened to the promises and the blessings of the temple sealing. After we finished, I was able to ask the sealer some questions that have been weighing heavily on my mind. He did not mince words and was VERY direct. I am confident that Heavenly Father is watching out for me. Families can be together forever SOMEDAY.

Like Father, Like Son

 

 

So I couldn't believe my eyes one day when I walked into the office. HELLO . . . could they be any more alike in appearance? They are twinners down to the Conway League t-shirts, intense concentration as they stare at the computer monitor (most likely looking up box scores or other sports stats), and the glasses.

First Day of School

So I think someone may or may not be completely MOCKING me. You be the judge.

 

 

 

Hispanic Heritage Festival

 

I was playing around with a photo of Cristian and I. Now I can't get it back to its original color. And our red eyes STILL haven't been fixed. This is the only semi-decent photo of us from the Hispanic Heritage Festival at church a couple of weeks ago.

What's Going On

Hello World. I realize that I have been a complete blog-slacker, but is that anything new? One of the things that I have been repeatedly counseled to do is to write down my thoughts and feelings in some type of journal and/or blog. Back in February, I was all gung-ho about documenting my journey on my blog. And then that fell by the wayside.

So here we are 8 months later . . . and I feel that I have progressed in ways I would have never been forced to progress had it not been for life circumstances that got thrown my way. I am so incredibly grateful for a loving Heavenly Father, Savior Jesus Christ, and for supportive family and friends.

Do I have all the answers yet? No. Do I feel confident that the Lord is preparing the way for me to receive those answers? ABSOLUTELY. Do I understand His timing? Not at all. Am I developing patience in this process? YES!

I have to laugh at what little I knew about the grieving process. I knew that my marriage had taken a HIT and that I had been diagnosed with an illness that has no cure within one week's time of each other. I learned all I could about grief (loss of a pseudo-marriage relationship and loss of good health). I figured that I could power through the grief cycle within a couple weeks time and then LIFE.WOULD.GO.ON. Yeah, right. For whatever reason, I failed to receive the memo that grief is a cyclical process and that some of those stages come back and bite you in the behind. (My trip to Utah this summer happened to be at a time when I had regressed back into the ANGER stage. I was MAD.AT.THE WORLD.)

Anyway, where am I now? I continue to take things one day at a time. Previously, I set mini-deadlines for myself which were in and of itself self-destructive. (I will hold onto my marriage until I finish writing my thesis, graduate with my Master's degree, finish out my contract with the school district, etc.) I can say that the Cristian I am married to now is the man I always wished I had married in the first place. Now I am just waiting to see whether or not I can have a change of heart and whether or not I will be able to accept and receive the love that Cristian has to offer me.

We are in a good place. Family scripture study, family prayer, family home evening, and weekly family activities are part of our routine. In addition, couples prayers and weekly date nights have been added to the mix. Cristian puts us FIRST. We COMMUNICATE.

I still get frustrated with myself on a DAILY basis. I expect my heart to be healed and to NOT wake up every morning HURTING. As my therapist tried to explain it to me the other day, I am exactly where I need to be right now. I could have gone the easy way out and fled or terminated the marriage relationship back in February. Instead, I have remained by Cristian's side and given it my best shot to work things out.

We are building a new relationship. It's almost like we have been given a second chance. Is this marriage viable? Will this relationship work out? I don't know. But what I do know is that I am working on my issues while still being married. Had I fled, I would have still had issues to work on (communication, trust, etc.) and would have taken those issues into future relationships.

Mickey's Not So Scary Halloween Party

 

 

We celebrated Halloween a little early this year. We have NEVER, I repeat NEVER paid full price for a Disney ANYTHING since moving to Orlando 6+ years ago. Well, never say never. Cristian, Mateo, Sarah, and I went to the Halloween Party. Disney really knows how to throw a party. We had such an awesome time. My favorite part of the evening was when the wicked step sisters grabbed Sarah's candy bag and started pilfering through it. Priceless.

 

There were NO long lines and we each went home with a bag FULL of candy. Towards the end of the evening, we actually were turning down candy because we had already consumed our year's supply of sugar during the 5 hour stint at the party. Fun, fun, and I would do it again in a heart beat. AND . . . I think Sarah is ready for the Disney parks. She didn't have ONE meltdown the entire evening.

Tino's Last Talk in Primary

Disclaimer:  Tino wouldn't even let me read his talk, but I snuck into his profile and read the talk he prepared for church today.  Some day he will thank me for saving this for posterity.  Tomorrow Tino turns 12.  I am so proud of him.  Last night, we attended a "Behold the Royal Army" missionary activity at the Stake Center.  After the opening exercises part, the youth remained in the chapel and the primary children went to other rooms.  I told Tino he could just stay with the youth.  He REFUSED.  He said, "Mom, they said Youth . . . and I am not 12 years old yet".  We are talking less than 36 hours away from being 12 years old and my Tino would NOT bend the rules.  I am so proud of him.  Sometimes it drives me crazy that he is SOOOOOO literal . . . but now that I stop to think about it, I need someone like that in my life.  I need a son that can help his MOTHER stay on the straight and narrow when the going gets tough.   Here is Tino's talk:

I obey Jesus Christ because I love him.

You can obey him in many ways like praying and reading the scriptures. Praying is always important. It shows Jesus Christ that you love him and are following his plan. When you pray, he blesses you with what you have asked in your prayer and keeps you safe. Daily family prayers are important because it will help you be closer to the Lord and also your family. Daniel was a great example of prayer. He always prayed when he was on the earth, even when they banned praying. Some people overheard him praying one day and told the King. The King realized that he had made a silly law by forbidding praying, but he had to follow it. They threw Daniel in the lion’s den. He prayed and prayed. When they released the lions, they did not even touch him. That shows why prayer is always important and that Heavenly Father can keep you safe.        

Reading the scriptures is always good. It helps you learn about the prophets and the great things they did in their lifetime. So when you read the scriptures, you can pass them on to people who don’t come to our church. Then maybe they will be interested and join our church. You can also be a good example to smaller kids or other people so when they are bigger, they will what to set a good example too. Being obedient to your parents is also important as you try to get closer to them and Jesus Christ. You can do countless great things to show Jesus that you love him. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.