What's Going On

Hello World. I realize that I have been a complete blog-slacker, but is that anything new? One of the things that I have been repeatedly counseled to do is to write down my thoughts and feelings in some type of journal and/or blog. Back in February, I was all gung-ho about documenting my journey on my blog. And then that fell by the wayside.

So here we are 8 months later . . . and I feel that I have progressed in ways I would have never been forced to progress had it not been for life circumstances that got thrown my way. I am so incredibly grateful for a loving Heavenly Father, Savior Jesus Christ, and for supportive family and friends.

Do I have all the answers yet? No. Do I feel confident that the Lord is preparing the way for me to receive those answers? ABSOLUTELY. Do I understand His timing? Not at all. Am I developing patience in this process? YES!

I have to laugh at what little I knew about the grieving process. I knew that my marriage had taken a HIT and that I had been diagnosed with an illness that has no cure within one week's time of each other. I learned all I could about grief (loss of a pseudo-marriage relationship and loss of good health). I figured that I could power through the grief cycle within a couple weeks time and then LIFE.WOULD.GO.ON. Yeah, right. For whatever reason, I failed to receive the memo that grief is a cyclical process and that some of those stages come back and bite you in the behind. (My trip to Utah this summer happened to be at a time when I had regressed back into the ANGER stage. I was MAD.AT.THE WORLD.)

Anyway, where am I now? I continue to take things one day at a time. Previously, I set mini-deadlines for myself which were in and of itself self-destructive. (I will hold onto my marriage until I finish writing my thesis, graduate with my Master's degree, finish out my contract with the school district, etc.) I can say that the Cristian I am married to now is the man I always wished I had married in the first place. Now I am just waiting to see whether or not I can have a change of heart and whether or not I will be able to accept and receive the love that Cristian has to offer me.

We are in a good place. Family scripture study, family prayer, family home evening, and weekly family activities are part of our routine. In addition, couples prayers and weekly date nights have been added to the mix. Cristian puts us FIRST. We COMMUNICATE.

I still get frustrated with myself on a DAILY basis. I expect my heart to be healed and to NOT wake up every morning HURTING. As my therapist tried to explain it to me the other day, I am exactly where I need to be right now. I could have gone the easy way out and fled or terminated the marriage relationship back in February. Instead, I have remained by Cristian's side and given it my best shot to work things out.

We are building a new relationship. It's almost like we have been given a second chance. Is this marriage viable? Will this relationship work out? I don't know. But what I do know is that I am working on my issues while still being married. Had I fled, I would have still had issues to work on (communication, trust, etc.) and would have taken those issues into future relationships.

Mickey's Not So Scary Halloween Party

 

 

We celebrated Halloween a little early this year. We have NEVER, I repeat NEVER paid full price for a Disney ANYTHING since moving to Orlando 6+ years ago. Well, never say never. Cristian, Mateo, Sarah, and I went to the Halloween Party. Disney really knows how to throw a party. We had such an awesome time. My favorite part of the evening was when the wicked step sisters grabbed Sarah's candy bag and started pilfering through it. Priceless.

 

There were NO long lines and we each went home with a bag FULL of candy. Towards the end of the evening, we actually were turning down candy because we had already consumed our year's supply of sugar during the 5 hour stint at the party. Fun, fun, and I would do it again in a heart beat. AND . . . I think Sarah is ready for the Disney parks. She didn't have ONE meltdown the entire evening.

Tino's Last Talk in Primary

Disclaimer:  Tino wouldn't even let me read his talk, but I snuck into his profile and read the talk he prepared for church today.  Some day he will thank me for saving this for posterity.  Tomorrow Tino turns 12.  I am so proud of him.  Last night, we attended a "Behold the Royal Army" missionary activity at the Stake Center.  After the opening exercises part, the youth remained in the chapel and the primary children went to other rooms.  I told Tino he could just stay with the youth.  He REFUSED.  He said, "Mom, they said Youth . . . and I am not 12 years old yet".  We are talking less than 36 hours away from being 12 years old and my Tino would NOT bend the rules.  I am so proud of him.  Sometimes it drives me crazy that he is SOOOOOO literal . . . but now that I stop to think about it, I need someone like that in my life.  I need a son that can help his MOTHER stay on the straight and narrow when the going gets tough.   Here is Tino's talk:

I obey Jesus Christ because I love him.

You can obey him in many ways like praying and reading the scriptures. Praying is always important. It shows Jesus Christ that you love him and are following his plan. When you pray, he blesses you with what you have asked in your prayer and keeps you safe. Daily family prayers are important because it will help you be closer to the Lord and also your family. Daniel was a great example of prayer. He always prayed when he was on the earth, even when they banned praying. Some people overheard him praying one day and told the King. The King realized that he had made a silly law by forbidding praying, but he had to follow it. They threw Daniel in the lion’s den. He prayed and prayed. When they released the lions, they did not even touch him. That shows why prayer is always important and that Heavenly Father can keep you safe.        

Reading the scriptures is always good. It helps you learn about the prophets and the great things they did in their lifetime. So when you read the scriptures, you can pass them on to people who don’t come to our church. Then maybe they will be interested and join our church. You can also be a good example to smaller kids or other people so when they are bigger, they will what to set a good example too. Being obedient to your parents is also important as you try to get closer to them and Jesus Christ. You can do countless great things to show Jesus that you love him. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

GRADUATION 2010

It's official. My degree has been conferred! YES! During the graduation ceremony, I won an award. I haven't won anything since I won Menudo concert tickets in the 8th grade. I was given the Gabriela Mistral Award which is given to recognize a student who has excelled in the Master's Degree in Education with the specialization in Teaching of English to Speakers of Other Languages program at Universidad del Turabo in the State of Florida.

I am sending Tino, Mateo, and Sarah to Utah with my Dad for a couple of weeks. Cristian made arrangements for a restful and relaxing graduation vacation for me and somebody else. I decided to invite Cristian. I have NO idea where we are going. (My Dad keeps telling me it's Daytona Beach. My Silver Sneakers class at Bally think I am going to Montana.)  Anyway, I was given the ultimatum to have my bags packed and ready tonight. So I've got to go pack some bags . . . and get a pedicure.

Mission ALMOST Accomplished

Since I am so great at "keeping it real" . . . here is a real picture on my last day of class Saturday. I didn't get the memo that my classmates would be taking pictures to commemorate the occasion. Therefore, I rolled out of bed, put on the nearest workout clothes I could find, and didn't even think about styling my hair or putting on makeup.

I'm writing the final paragraphs of my thesis. Well o.k. I took a little break but once I finish blogging I will be writing the final paragraphs of my thesis. (Big giant sigh of relief).

Since I am

Noche de Logros

Several weeks ago, I received a letter from Universidad del Turabo telling me to "save the date" . . . for a special evening.  It was followed about a week later with a fancy shmancy invitation to a "Noche de Logros" or Achievement Night and dinner held at a local hotel.  Up until last night, I had no idea what the event was for.  I knew it was semi-formal (Latin version semi-formal = FORMAL for gringo standards).  The old Heidi would have had a complete CLOTHING CRISIS. But the new and improved Heidi decided to wear a black dress and accessorize and call it a day.

I was able to invite two people.  I decided to invite Cristian and Tino.  Of course, Tino wasn't interested in going.   (NBA playoffs OR hanging out with a bunch of Latinos, conversing in Spanish the whole evening AND listening to music he doesn't particularly care for.  I'd like to think that it was a difficult decision for him to choose between the two events, but ESPN was calling his name.)

(Cristian picked me up at Shannon's house.  It was like a real, honest to goodness date).

All three universities that are part of Ana G. Mendez University System invited the Master's degree candidates for  who had received a 3.9-4.0 GPA and had superior class attendance, participation, conduct, etc.  

 

Bottom line is I got a nice dinner, certificate, and medal for my 4.0 GPA.  I will get to wear the medal around my neck during the graduation ceremony.  I think I will wear that medal every single day for the rest of my life.  It's been a long and hard journey.  There have definitely been some BUMPS in the road . . . but my big day is ALMOST here.  

Thesis Thursday

I have a Professor who is pretty amazing.  I had to choose between three different professors for my Literature Review Proposal class and for my Thesis class.  This particular professor came HIGHLY recommended.  And all of my former professors told me he would be a perfect for me.  He is very demanding and follows through.  Does it surprise you that I need someone that is going to be very demanding AND follow through?  Needless to say, I had to say goodbye to the rest of my classmates that I have taken almost every class with throughout the program.  They chose one of the two professors who have the reputation for being extremely easy and lenient on grammar, English language, and thesis content.

During Spring Break, I was able to finish my Literature Review Proposal class.  Let's just say that the high stress events that happened in February left me UNABLE to write.  Or THINK.  Or try to even pretend that I was a little bit interested in continuing on with my university studies.  But, I KNEW I had to press forward.  I KNEW that it was not an option for me to let everything go.  Long story short, I was given an incomplete and an extra month to finish all of the course requirements.  Once again, tender mercies of the Lord.

On Saturday, my professor handed back all of the work that I had submitted during Spring Break.  He attached a note on the cover of my portfolio.  I might just frame it and have it hung on the wall next to my diploma.  It says:

This portfolio shows clear evidence of dedication, organization, and professionalism.  But most importantly, it reflects growth on the student's part.  This portfolio contains a wealth of information that will be useful to you now and in the future.

Ms. Ramírez, I am so glad you did not withdraw from the course, but chose to complete all requirements.  We all go through difficult times in our lives.  Some give up; others don't.  YOU DID NOT GIVE UP!  I am so glad you are one of my students.  STAY THE COURSE! 

Completely changing topics, how do you tell your professor that you would like to set him up with your mother in law?  I haven't quite figured out the best way to go about it.

For Posterity . . .

Last weekend, I pulled out my Book of Remembrance that contains a lot of family history information from my mom's side of the family.  One of the stories that really impressed me was that of my great-great grandmother Eliza Brown.  This week, I shared a story about her with my middle school students.  First off, they were completely amazed that I would even know a story about someone that lived over 100+ years ago AND that she was my relative.  The question I was asked repeatedly throughout the day was . . . "But Mrs. Ramírez, how do you know that?"  My reply?  Because her biography was written down.  It has been passed down from generation to generation.  That's how I know.  I had a huge A-HA moment.  How will my future posterity know about me if I don't write it down? 

I have learned that there is a lot of stuff that I have repressed for YEARS.  I will now attempt to write it down somewhere other than in my little notebook that sits at my bedside table and lies hidden among Mateo's artwork, Sarah's Publix shopping lists, and my other pile of "to read after May 15, 2010".

In October 2006, I felt like I was completely LOSING it.  I wanted to commit myself to a mental institution, but I was going to start a new job the following Tuesday.  I was afraid that my suspicion of "losing it" might actually ring true with the psychologists, psychiatrists, etc. I  knew I needed to show up for my new job and couldn't risk the chance of not being let out of the loony bin by the medical professionals.  Cristian sensed my desperation and booked an immediate flight for me to Utah.  It just so happened to be the same weekend that my parents, Anne, and Rob would be visiting.  And Heather was living there.  It couldn't have worked out any better than that.  The stars had aligned in my favor and I was going to have an entire weekend of support from my family.

It was the perfect retreat.  It was way better than being committed to a mental institution.  On the plane flight back home, I felt inspired to jot down a list of things that I wanted more than anything in the world.  It was my ultimate wish list.  I wrote down wishes and desires for myself, for my family, and for my marriage.

My #1 desire/wish for my marriage was "to feel like I am being taken care of financially, emotionally, spiritually, and physically".  My #2 desire/wish was "to feel appreciated and valued for my contributions to the household and family".  This morning, I had another A-HA moment.  It was so profound (to me) that I felt I needed to write it down before I got started on my daily Saturday routine of thesis writing, presentation planning and sitting in class for 4+ hours.

The course of events over the last couple of months has FORCED me to change.  Now I am not a "I really love CHANGE" type of a gal.  I get in my comfort zone and PREFER to stay there.  However, the trials and tribulations have made me reflect, ponder, and analyze EVERYTHING about my life as I once knew it.  It wasn't fair for me to impose my #1 desires of my marriage on my husband.  I needed to look in the mirror and take responsibility for those desires.  Instead of them being desires for my marriage, I needed to have them be desires for myself.

I realized this morningduring my A-HA moment that I am in the process of successfully taking ownership in seeing that I take care of me instead of waiting or hoping for someone else to take care of me.  You know what?  It feels fabulous. I don't feel discouraged.  I don't feel disappointed.  And I don't feel let down.  I feel the exact opposite.  I feel EMPOWERED.  Here's my brief update:

• Spiritual:  I recognize the fact that the path I took for so many years of laying low just to make peace in my home was not the right answer.  I have stepped back up to the plate.  We are holding regular family prayer, family scripture study, and have begun to do regular Family Home Evenings.  I am attending the temple more often.  I have sought the help and support of my local Priesthood leaders . . . Stake President, Branch President, and home teachers.  I received a Priesthood blessing last night from my cousin who was in town visiting for a conference.
• Financial:  I have been blessed with a job.  With the income produced from that job, I am able to pay my tithes and offerings, childcare for Mateo and Sarah, student loans and debt, and have a little left over each month for savings/rainy day purposes.
• Physical:  With my health issues, I have been FORCED to re-evaluate my food choices.  I know that eating steel-cut oats, whole-grain bread, grapes, melon, and carrots are healthy choices for other people.  However, they are not healthy choices for me.  Typical food choices for me now include:  cottage cheese, berries, almonds, chicken, fish (not farm-raised), grass fed beef, and lots and lots of veggies.  I also hired a personal trainer who pushes me to a level I have never been pushed before.  (Disclaimer:  I hired the pt, but I am letting Cristian pay for him.  Thank you Cristian).
• Emotional:  I was in a nearly comatose/vegetative state while on anti-anxiety/depression meds.  I have been off those meds for over one year.  Instead, I am taking care of my emotional well-being with a more holistic approach:  chiropractic care and psychotherapy. I realize I still have a lot of issues I need to deal with . . . but at least those issues have come out of the deep dark closet.  Now that I am no longer in a state of denial, I am moving forward and progressing.

This Time is "THE NEXT TIME"

A couple of weeks ago, we made a quick trip to Kohls to get Tino and Mateo some Converse shoes.  By the way there is no such thing as a "quick trip" because Kohls will entice you AND suck you in every.single.time.   There may have been a slight meltdown because there were no more Converse in the particular color and style that Mateo HAD.TO.HAVE.  So Cristian promised Mateo that next time we went to Kohls, it would be his turn to get Converse shoes.

Last night as we drove into the Kohls parking lot for another "quick trip", Mateo reminded Cristian that last time we went to Kohls he had promised Mateo new Converse the next time.  And this time was "the next time".  Wow.  Mateo was absolutely right.  So instead of a quick trip in and out of Kohls so I could purchase a scale (cough-cough) . . . it ended up being just a little bit longer.

Since Mateo was getting Converse, it elicited a chain reaction of an impending Sarah meltdown. Since Sarah is so highly competitive and she will NOT BE LEFT BEHIND . . . she looked at Cristian with those beautiful brown eyes and said "What about me Papi"?   So needless to say, Mateo and Sarah got new shoes.  First thing this morning, I could here the pitter patter of little feet.  Except for it was a little bit more than a pitter patter.  It was more of a clippity clomp.  I crawled out of bed to see what was making all the racket.  I found these two cute as a button kids . . . sportin' their brand new Converse and flip flops.  And for the record, I wish that I could have Sarah's sense of style.  She hadn't even been out of bed for 20 minutes and had already managed to comb her hair and figure out which accessories she would wear for the day. 

P.S.  Mateo is not doing a ballet pose in the above picture . . . he wants everyone "on my blog" to see the star on his Converse.

What happened to the week?

I want my week back.  NOW.  Can we have a do-over?  Since my mom works full-time now, we only get to see my parents once every 8 or 9 months.  And I don't like that.  AT.ALL.  My parents were here for one week.  But it really feels like they were here for about one second.  I didn't take any pictures this week, but my mom did.  She took about 5 pictures.  And about 4 of the pictures look like Sarah was playing with her camera.  So let's just pretend there is a picture of us riding the roller coasters at Busch Gardens, eating carrot cake at Cheesecake Factory (um, who does that?  Oh yeah, that's right Tino),  or hanging out with Shamu at Sea World.

I had a very productive week.  No, the office didn't get organized.  No, I didn't put all my Kindermusik Krap on e-bay.  No, I didn't clean out my closet that has several "to be sorted" boxes that have been sitting in the same corner of my closet since I gave birth to Sarah.

Yes, I did submit my final Literature Review proposal.  Yes, I did submit my "permission to complete a study" paperwork with the school district.  Yes, I did FINALLY meet with the Stake President for 2 hours and 5 minutes while mom, dad, Tino, Mateo, and Sarah were waiting in the car.  Yes, I did make an appointment to meet with my new personal trainer.  Yes, I did make it to the post office to send some stuff that has been waiting to be sent for 2 weeks, 2 months, and 2 years.  Yes, I did continue to crank out job applications.  Yes, I did call the state of Utah and get super duper annoyed at their teacher certification process.  Yes, I did apply for a different kind of job . . . still in the educational field but as an instructional designer/curriculum writer.  Yes, I do have a phone interview this afternoon between 3 p.m. and 5 p.m. MDT time. 

Ready for the biggest accomplishment this week?  I have relinquished my wanna-be status as a card carrying member of the CIA.  (WOW, is that EVER HARD).  And my next job for the week is to give up my position as Jesus' helper.  I love my therapist.  I think I like her so much because she is blunt.  There's no messing around with her.  I have repressed so much anger and so much resentment over the years.  And now that some things are happening that I have wanted to happen for YEARS . . . I am having a tough time letting go of some of that anger and resentment.  I am second guessing motives every step of the way.  So this is what my therapist told me:  "Last time she checked, Jesus Christ had not gone on vacation.  He hadn't called me up to be his helper or assistant in the judging process.  So for now, I can give that job back to Jesus Christ and let him be the judge."  OUCH.  Once again, I need to ENJOY every moment and not question motives.